Tears For Fears

This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.

I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.

It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.

OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.

I’m Fine On The Outside

Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.

I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.

Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.

I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.

Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.

I’m Not Ok

I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.

I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.

I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.

Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.

I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?

4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.

Happy Fourth

These were some of the fireworks tonight

IAmDrunk

Tonight there was fireworks and wine and it was nice. I cried because of the joy of sparkle and the being surrounded by family and probably. Amuse I was drink. Too drunk too post. Happy fourth tomorrow.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.

Ow

My head and mouth is killing me, I haven’t taken any Percocet because it makes me itch and I am pretty sure that is not a reaction I want to be having. I have been hmm and hawing it for the last few hours if I should change my mind and go for it. Needless to say this blog will be short. Hard to write when the head hurts.

met with the psychologist today and she was pretty nice. I’m gonna keep her for now and see how things go.   Gonna start once a week and I will also be seeing a shrink that is in the same office so I I’ll be hooked up. Can’t wait to start working on things.

anyhow gonna go to bed, head hurts to much!

Day Three

Well today we nt out and bought some fireworks I can’t wait to blow them up, might be a little stress relieving!

Started to get some things for the room so it won’t feel like a jail. I mean it still will but at least it will have some little bits and pieces of me in it you know?

I won’t be able to take the Percocet as it is making me itching so I am going to ha to suffer with the pain all on my lonesome.

Tomorrow I see my new psychologist, I am nervous and excited. It will be good to start working on my mental health again. I want to start working on some meds and ECT and get moving on life.

having a hard time writing my blog, my mom in law hasn’t stopped talking since she came home, through tv shows, yap yap yap. So much fucking talking it is driving me nuts, I feel so overstimulated and it is going to be nothing but getting worse.

It’s going to be so crowded and loud and talking and I just want some quiet. just shut up.. Argh

Tooth and Circumstance

Last night I bit into a drumstick ( the ice cream kind ) and the whole front of my tooth broke off.

I suppose a little backstory would help. When I was 8 I decided to be a little stunt person and go down a slide on my head, needless to say they it didn’t go well, I hit my mouth on the side and broke my front tooth almost completely out. The dentist gave me a root canal and created what I thought was a tempory crown which he replaced two years later.

35 years later, the damn thing shattered, I went to the dentist today and they told me that the tooth was completely fucked and I had two choices, bridge or implant. Either way they tore that rotten ol thing out and I has a gap in the front. Talk about feeling white trash.

Anyhow I am on Percocet and feeling mighty fine but this is definitely going to be a pain in the ass. I get a floater tooth on Thursday and then in 3 months I get my implant. The good part is that my front teeth will match in color for the first time in 35 years..

I did handled it like a champ though. I totally rocked without freaking out, so go me!!!