agoraphobia

Day 2 Of Feeling Better

Like I said I hate to say I’m feeling good in case I’ll jinx it. Anyone who suffers from depression can understand that I think.

Tonight we went walking in a park for a while, it was quite lovely and the temps were starting to drop. I mean the heat that’s been going on has been leaving people trapped in air conditioned homes. It’s funny when 78 degrees is considered cool.

I’m hoping I get the nerve to go places where there are more people soon, but the fact that I have gotten out every day for the last three days is awesome. Once again proving my husband might possibly be right about the pot. I really hope he’s wrong and I’m just super lucky right now. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Kind of, actually completely fucking stupid. I’d rather smoke weed then be happy. I just miss how relaxed I felt and how it made the day pass faster. I’ll have to quit completely if he is right though. I know I am not a once in a while kind of girl. It’s called an addictive personality. Pot may not be addictive but I can’t seem to have it in my house without smoking it.

We’ll see what the next 2.5 weeks hold.

I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…

Today I Was Quite Proud of Myself

Most people would think much of it but people recovering from agoraphobia will dig where I’m coming from.

I walked to the mail box all on my own. It’s about half a block away from the house so that’s really the farthest I have gone on my own since California. (over 8 months) I think this is something I need to start adding to my daily things since it gets me exercising and gives me exposure to the outdoors? What do you think?

My mood is ok today. Not super up but not super down. I’m just right in the middle where I can smile and I can frown.

My shrink wants me to set my alarm in the morning and start taking my wellbutrin and pristiq earlier but I am still fighting to sleep as late as I can. I manage to sleep until 11:00. I don’t know what I would do with myself with those two extra hours. I think I am going to have to take her advice though.

I start therapy again in 4 days so maybe that will help, we shall see.

Zoo, Lunch and Relaxation

Today I went to the zoo and took some pictures and movies. We really have one of the best zoos, actually it was voted best zoo in america so there ya go. I took some little movies of big cats.

it was really stressful because it was so jam packed with people. Honestly a few times I wanted to run for the exit, but I fought past it. The exposure therapy is definitely working. I was terrified to go, I almost chickened out. I find if I push myself to do something I am uncomfortable it doesn’t turn out to be the nightmare I’ve made of it in my head.

I also ended up going to dinner and found a giant hello kitty pez dispenser, it made me so happy. I love hello kitty things. I love pink. I also got a little stuffed turtle cause I love turtles too.

Also I can paint in the dining room again!! Yay that means that I will have some pictures done for the walls when we move into the house and it actually feels like I am going to be able to get through the next 5 weeks and 4 days much easier with a game, painting, ps4. It will make time past so much faster. I’m actually excited about the future,

After freaking out and crying yesterday, I was happy. Today I am happy. I apparently needed to vent and clear my aura.. I feel so much better.

Enjoy the videos!

Date Night

I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.

It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!

I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.

I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.

Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.

It Saved My Life

I decided to do another daily post challenge. Going Obsolete. Check it out here http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/going-obsolete/

I miss the monochrome monitor and the 1200 baud modem. I miss when computers were used pretty much only for communicating and nothing else. BBS’s (Bulletin Board Systems) were an amazing social outlet and you would be able to easily make friends with people in your town and surrounding areas.

One monochrome monitor and 1200 baud modem literally saved my life. It allowed me to escape a horribly abusive men whose violence was escalating. I don’t think I was all that far from him killing me.

I was agoraphobic and terrified to tell anyone. Logging in and talking to strangers allowed me some anonymity and I found unlike my family or the police they actually believed me. I was offered a place to stay and help to get away. So of all the things that have gone obsolete I miss these the most.

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

Panic Attack!

Mood : Silly and Stressed

The is a song by a band called Dream Theatre. I thought whoever wrote them had it pretty spot on, for me anyhow.

All wound up
On the edge
Terrified

Sleep disturbed
Restless mind
Petrified

Bouts of fear
Permeate
All I see

Heightening
Nervousness
Threatens me

I am paralyzed
So afraid to die

Caught off guard
Warning signs
Never show

Tension strikes
Choking me
Worries grow

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly so uptight

Rapid heartbeat pounding through my chest
Agitated body in distress
I feel like I’m in danger
Daily life is strangled by my stress

A stifling surge
Shooting through all my veins
Extreme apprehension
Suddenly I’m insane

Lost all hope for redemption
A grave situation desperate at best

Why do I feel so numb
Is it something to do with where I come from
Should this be fight or flight
I don’t know why I’m constantly reeling

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

Helpless hysteria
A false sense of urgency
Trapped in my phobia
Possessed by anxiety

Run
Try to hide
Overwhelmed by this complex delirium

My official diagnosis is.. Bipolar, With Social Anxiety and Agoraphobia. I remember the first time that I had a panic attack I thought I was about to die. I couldn’t breathe the air around me was so thick , I felt like my head was in a box and my heart pounded. My body reacted by making me incredibly nauseated and other disgusting things I won’t mention. Let’s say going anywhere for any period of time more than 15 mins was completely out.

I used to probably get about 15-20 a day and they always seemed like that would last forever, in fact it felt like I was never recovering from them at all. I never learned how to deal with them until the last couple years and for some reason regardless of how crappy my meds are working on my depression and mania my panic attacks have lessened in frequency and length. I still have to pop a clonazepam every day but I take it usually as a preventive measure as opposed to during the attack. This might just be a psychological thing for me, either way it makes me feel better about my exposure therapy.

I think now more than before I have the fear of having a panic attack before trying new things. Which means walks outside are as I have said a great accomplishment for me.

My mother is going to be here next Saturday and I am starting to get really stressed out which means lucid dreams, waking up with panic attacks and feeling like I’m buzzing, like when you have way to much caffeine. Even though this is a good thing, I know I will have to push myself to entertain them. Which usually ends up with weeks of recovery afterward. Which I will barely get before my mother in laws wedding.

My mother in law is having a wedding in Vegas sometime coming up in April and I need to go to that, it is going to be horrific. Yes negative thinking I know. However she really doesn’t understand me all that well and I am not 100% sure she really wants to. She is also the one person my husband has a hard time standing up to, though it has gotten better over the years. She originally hated me and now thinks I am a wonderful daughter-in-law but she likes to pretend mental illness doesn’t exist. She herself had a huge depressive episode when her kids were younger and couldn’t even more out of the bed, you would think it would make her more understanding, but not so much.

I am dreading it, though I do love the interaction with other people at least for short periods of time and under my own limits and control. If I want to leave I can normally. The wedding I think I can handle. It’s the stuff after that is going to be incredibly stressful for me. I am hoping after talking to my shrink that my treatment will be along far enough that the bipolar part of me keeps it’s ugly head under control. So do you have or know someone that just isn’t willing to understand any of your illness’s? I know a lot of people have the whole get over it attitude but it you had cancer you should as hell wouldn’t be telling someone that very same thing. .. Anyhow this post got way longer than I intended. Listen to the song if you don’t mind a little heavier rock I think you’ll enjoy it!