anxiety

Not Like I Used To

I used to be able to drink and party and wake up the next day and start all over again. I definitely don’t have that ability anymore. I had three beers yesterday morning(ish) and felt like hell the rest of the day and I feel like crap today. I can’t keep up with SIL, course she is more then 10 years my junior I believe.

I’m waking up stressed about the fourth of July. I hate the gathering the socializing. I do love the fire works. Wish I could just stay home with hubby and watch him light fireworks off. Last year I had no problem, which goes to show you just how much you can backslide in a year. I have no idea how to fix this.. ugh,

 

Horror

Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good. I actually went out and did some shopping at the pet store and grocery store. I made the mistake after I came home to get drunk and now I again feel like shit with a lovely hangover and sense of anxiety. I don’t think I’ll do that again. I’ll stick to the weed when I am able to get it.

I want to be out in the world but people terrify me. Those poor people in Orlando who were shot to death just for being in the wrong spot at the wrong time. 50 people dead because it’s so easy for people to get their hands on weapons like guns 😦 I don’t want to be a statistic. It makes me even more frightened to leave the house.

Who would have thought a house in tornado alley would give me some sense of comfort.

Ahead This Time

I actually thought about writing my blog without using the alarm! Hopefully this will become a good habit again.

How am I feeling today? I honestly don’t know. I am motivated enough to shower and wash the dog. (two for one deal) I was able to eat a little already which is good. Lately I have just such a hard time eating. I know it is all in my brain though. I just have to be tougher than it for a change. Eating when you don’t want to is just very difficult. I’m not exactly nauseated. It’s really hard to describe.

My mood is good. My anxiety is middle of the road. I try not to think about it too much. Thinking about my anxiety makes me more anxious. Stupid huh?

So far today has been kind to me with the hot flashes. I am hoping my body is getting used to the Latuda.

Still missing my weed though. I didn’t realize just how much it helped with things like anxiety and eating.  Tonight I should be able to get some more though.  I wish I lived in Colorado.

Days

Typically my day consists of sleeping until noon and then watching the same 3 shows every since afternoon.  It kills time until hubby gets home and sort of keeps me busy.

Weekends are much harder. Hubby is here but he wants to do things on his computer and shows that I have no interest in. I’d be fine with that if weekend TV didn’t suck when it’s not football season.

My house is a freaking mess. I need to clean it but am so unmotivated to do anything physical.

My shrink wants me to take my latuda and 2mg of Xanax first thing in the morning, it’s made me kind of sleepy feeling all day but I’m also restless. It’s a very strange feeling.

I watched DeadPool with my hubby and could not sit still for more than a minute, it’s driving me crazy.

Saw My Shrink Today

First off I am super proud of myself for actually going.  I had forgotten how much I like her. I’ve even made a follow up appt.

She increased my Latuda to 80, lowered my Wellbutrin to 150 and left the Pristiq the same. She also wants me to change how I take my Xanax 2mg  in the morning and then gave me an extra .05 for mid day.

I talked to her about the fact that I have been sick and she thinks that it is because of all the anxiety I am constantly putting myself under. So we are going to work on that and the depression.

Honestly ever since my best friend and dog died I haven’t felt like myself at all. I’m always afraid.

Did you know that the stomach has more serotonin receptors than the brain which is why someone like me can make themselves sick I guess.

I’m still going to the doctors monday so they can at least do some blood work and maybe help on their end.

Anxiety Period

Right now as I write this I am having an anxiety attack. I can barely breathe, my whole body is covered with sweat and my heart is pounding. I feel like I should run away. Fight or Flight right? I’m fighting. It’s hard though. When I am having one of these it makes me feel so helpless.

I cried today, it didn’t help much and made my nose clog.. I was hoping I would feel better afterwards but I really didn’t.

Again I have not smoked any weed today. I’m trying to see if I can just wait until the weekend and try to deal with everything else with my brain.

I have posted this picture before but it describes how I feel exactly.

fight1

Still Feeling Slightly Hopeless.

I woke up this morning feeling slightly better physically but my brain is being a real asshole. I had 3 panic attacks in 2 hours. I honestly thought that I would be able to get past all that. When I was non medicated I didn’t have as many panic attacks. In fact most days I was able to go out and do something, somewhere.

I did take my dogs outside and walked to the mailbox. So something was accomplished today.

I’m so afraid all the time, it’s so tiring.

Anxiety Galore

Today has not been a good day for me. I’ve had a lot of anxiety. I mean a lot. I have tried to keep my mind occupied but it only works for a short period of time and then it creeps back. I forced myself to go out for a walk with hubby to burn some of my extra anxiety. It helped for a little bit.

I’m annoyed and sad and actually a little angry for feeling like shit all the time.

Have I mentioned that sometimes I get so in my head that I can’t eat. I find everything disgusting. I don’t even want sweets. The good news is I’m down on my weight, the bad news is I can only really eat when I”m high. I didn’t smoke today so I can’t eat.  This is probably only the fourth or fifth time I’ve gone a day without smoking but it really makes a difference. I can tell because today I haven’t smoked a thing. I want to but I want to prove that I don’t need it. Know what I mean?

Tomorrow’s got to be a better day,

Frustrating Day

Yesterday after going for a walk in the morning, I also went to CVS and went inside and shopped and stuff. I was a really good day.

Today I woke up and felt defeated almost immediately. I don’t know what the heck goes on with my brain honestly. I’m always my worst critic!

I keep having anxiety every time I think about going to the shrinks. I know I need to go but until it happens I will likely make it a much bigger problem than it will actually turn out to be.

Trying to think positive, not going very well so far.. The day’s not over yet.

Blah Blah Blah

I could not think of a title. Today I have not done very much. I’ve been kind of chill and just relaxing.

My shrink called today to tell me she would not fill my scripts again until I made an appt to see her.  So now that is coming up next Friday.

I played some World of Warcraft and am planning on playing some more later.

For now I’m just gonna try and unload some anxiety somehow.