bipolar

Mood Stabilizers

I think I spelled mood stabilizers wrong in the title so I apologize lol. Right now I realize it is the one really important thing I am missing with my treatment. My moods are swinging all over the place and so rapidly I don’t know how to react from moment to moment.

I have been on them in the past but they were not successful because the bipolar depression was so bad. Now that is getting better it is time to deal with the constant spinning of my brain.

I’d love to hear from anyone on mood stabilizers that are working successfully. I’m not really sure where to start again.

I’ve been all over the place today and when I go back to see my shrink after the new year I would love to have some suggestions. I know everyone is different but I have an open mind when it comes to my treatment.

Offensive Comments are Frustrating

Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.

“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”

I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.

My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.

Argh.

Let It Rain

It’s been raining non stop since yesterday and it’s like a cathartic rain cleaning away my holiday humbugs. My mother in law is decorating the house and burning holiday scented canadles and it is making me look forward to Chritmas instead of dreading it like I always do.

Honestly there is some deep buried thing that makes holidays for us and as soon as I move into my home I will go back to the therapist. Always end up complaining about living here and it solves nothing.

I sent out cards to my family this year which I haven’t done in years. Even to my father who really has nothing to do with my life and my grandparents whom I miss very much.

Do you love or dread the holidays? How does it affect your mental illness? I’d love to hear. that I am not the only one that is affects.image

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

Music Really

It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.

Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.

I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.

I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.

Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.

Depressed And Annoyed

The weekend was good and relaxing, but now i am depressed and fucking annoyed and getting more annoyed. I hate the damn moodiness.

Being bipolar is hard. Dont let anyone tell you any different. The constant mood swings, the depression, the addictive behaviours, the self doubt. I even doubt that I can ever be successful because of the way it controls me instead of me controlling it.

I’m so angry right now and I have no reason to be but I feel like I want to punch someone in the neck or nuts. Now I have to sit down and analyze myself and try and figure out if it is from nothing or if I have a reason for feeling like shit.

Stupid manic-depressive girl, why can’t you just be happy.

300th Post

Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more.  In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.

We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.

Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,

Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).

So Much, So Little

We went into the house tonight and the entire outer frame was done, you could see where everything is going to go. I took tons of pictures, it’s really exciting seeing how close the house is. I mean it still won’t be ready until February. Actually having the house actually seeing some action makes it more bearable.

Today my cold also felt a little better. I got some napping done. Other than that I got nothing done. I mean there isn’t much for me to do anyhow. Yet doing nothing makes me feel guilty.

I can’t paint in the dining room again until after thanksgiving and probably Christmas. It sucks. Jim says we can set something up in the bedroom for me. I hope so, not being able to paint for 2 months will suck.

Emotionally I’ve been stable. That’s a positive at least!

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

Writing Drunk

I did something I’ve needed to do for a while. I got stinking drunk. The positive thing is that I am finally relaxed. The bad thing is that I might have a hangover for our fall walk tomorrow.

I don’t really care though because for the first time in a while I don’t really care.

I’m not gonna write much, I am gonna sit down and eat some dill pickle or salt’n vinegar chips and chill. I won’t worry about things right now. Except for the factI got stuck with these kids while Jim and my mother in law went to the store. WTF seriously… I am not great with kids and they make me want to shoot myself a little..

Welp back to reality. I think I need another glass of wine to deal.. ciao