I went and got my EKG and my blood work and I get my first ECT session on Friday, then every Monday, weds, Friday until it does what it is supposed to do, likely 6-12 sessions, then maintenance if it works. I’m thrilled and terrified but looking forward to it.
I do have some kind of stomach bug which is making it hard for me to do any real writing, I apologize for the shortness of my blog.
Woot though
I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.
Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..
I mean fuck!
I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.
I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.
Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.
Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.
I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.
I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.
I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.
I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.
I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.
It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.
I got nothing to write, I am sad. I can’t think of anything but the infinite span of sadness that envelops our world. I’ll do better tomorrow, until then here is a picture of me. At least it turned out nice.
I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.
I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.
I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.
Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.
I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?
4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.
4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.
I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.
I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.
I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh
Hubby has been gone for over 24 hours. I managed to sleep last night and only have a little anxiety.
Today has been okay, been wandering the web and finding things to both laugh and hang my head at. Seriously people are interesting to watch. I don’t generally like to interact with em, but I will voyeur via web or store or whatever. The internet is like a rabbit hole. You start out looking for the most innocent of things and can end up at the most horrific or hilarious.
I always try to be a good person I am no angel and I have done bad things in the past but I don’t think I have ever done anything that would purposely hurt someone. It amazes me that people are constantly doing horrible things to strangers, friends, people at work or even worse the people that they say they love. Murders, abuse of all kinds, lies and deceit. It makes me sad.
People also do the most hilarious silly things. Things that make you shake your head or laugh. Last night I was in tears reading the autocorrects for texts. Now the phone does the autocorrect but the people post them. They post embarrassing pictures that have been taken of themselves as well. (I think this includes all selfies) heh
I want to hate people, I really do. I can’t though because it is like watching animals in the zoo, you never know what you are going to see/read/hear next.
My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
Bipolarity.
Bad Haiku.
However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.
My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.
I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.
Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!
My husband says all my posts on my writing blog have been negative as of late. Maybe they seem negative but they are really just realistic. He is an optimist, one of the few things that annoys me. I am bipolar I see black and white, I don’t see grey. Things will either be good or bad not in between. The days I have to write meh, are annoying.
I’ve decided to put off the ECT until after the move. It was stressing me out and my husband has to go on a business trip which would be likely right in the middle of treatment. I don’t want to resent him. I most certainly would. I am going to have everything set up so I can get it done when I get home. It also gives me some time to do more research. I could talk to them about it but I like having a lot of questions.
I admit it is scary though, reading the side effects. I’m not worry about what they are doing, but I am scared of death. I know the stats are low, but I need to work past it. Am I using my husband as an excuse, I kind of wish I was but it honestly wouldn’t work. I’m frustrated as I wish they had of called a month before. It could have made all the difference in the world. Now I have to wait.
I am bitchy today, I haven’t been out of the house yet and I am extremely antsy. I have no place to go but I sure as fuck don’t want to be here. I don’t know how many times I have stated that I HATE this apartment.
Anyhow, until tomorrow or later or whatever..
A Bipolars Reality 