stress

Better or Worse?

Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.

Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.

I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.

I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.

I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.

Things Kind Of Suck

Things are just tense. My husband and I are constantly bickering. I mean honestly I think he is just doing stupid ass shit and pissing me off. Then when I get angry he gets all defensive and hurts my feelings and ,I get angrier.

Seriously we never fight. Even the stuff we are fighting over is absolutely ridiculous.

It’s stressful to say the least. We are going to be going away for the weekend the weekend after this upcoming one. I think I might not blog for two days and just enjoy some time with my husband.

That will be pretty hard for me to do though. I need to connect with my man though. We still haven’t had sex and we just aren’t spending time together and when we are it is in bed at night, going to the store or maybe to get some food. Even sitting here now we are bickering over where to restart a show.

Usually we just are so chill. It’s starting to scare me. 😦 Six months is going to be a very long time if things continue down this path.

Grumpy Pants

I am so damn bitchy. I got up and felt some energy and decided to clean some things but honestly this place is a huge fucking mess and it is really overwhelming.

I cleaned a few things my bitchy yorkies tried to attack me a few times and by then I was so flipping angry I could punch something cute.

Hubby came home and we went out to dinner to celebrate the good fortune we have been having but I just felt on edge as if waiting for the evil hammer of shiftiness to fall and got grumpier.

Sometimes I think I am just a bitch, I dunno maybe tomorrow will be better but for now I am gonna take some benedryl and try to slip into sleep so I can just stop trying to deal.

Fuck.

I’m Just Not Ok

I still am not feeling great and I am starting to experience some anxiety. It had mostly taken a backseat the last few months but it hit me today whilst in a Arby’s.

I did what anyone does hen stricken with the urge to run and that was suggest that we sit down and eat as opposed to eating in the car.

It was really hard but I stayed the whole meal.

I am stressed about going to the therapist tomorrow, I am not sure if it is because of having my mom in law take me, the actual appointment or because we are signing the contract for the house this weekend.

I am also starting back on a low carb diet. This might also be adding to things. I would like a nice weekend alone with my husband with no intruptions, no stress and lots of sex. Did I mention we haven’t had sex since we got here. Not great for the whole feeling close thing.

It’s gonna get better right?

Stress and Insects

So I already freaked out about going to the shrink and therapist tomorrow. I don’t know if it is the fact that my mother in law is taking me or the fact that I am not feeling good or just the fact that I just feel like I’ve been thrown into a mess of stress.

Either way my tummy is upset and I’m trying to chill but tonight as I am getting into bed to write this very blog I found a fucking tick on me. I have never in my life had a tick on me. I didn’t scream and run in circles but I wanted to. I did cry, I admit it. I think that I handled it like a trooper though.

However now I am freaked and itchy and seriously hate the fucking bugs. They used to leave me alone because I was filled with medications that must have smelt or tasted like poison to them. Yet another good reason to get medicated.

Hopefully by next week we will be giving the people the information to build our new home and this will all seem worth it, until that time I might just go a little batty.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.

Day Three

Well today we nt out and bought some fireworks I can’t wait to blow them up, might be a little stress relieving!

Started to get some things for the room so it won’t feel like a jail. I mean it still will but at least it will have some little bits and pieces of me in it you know?

I won’t be able to take the Percocet as it is making me itching so I am going to ha to suffer with the pain all on my lonesome.

Tomorrow I see my new psychologist, I am nervous and excited. It will be good to start working on my mental health again. I want to start working on some meds and ECT and get moving on life.

having a hard time writing my blog, my mom in law hasn’t stopped talking since she came home, through tv shows, yap yap yap. So much fucking talking it is driving me nuts, I feel so overstimulated and it is going to be nothing but getting worse.

It’s going to be so crowded and loud and talking and I just want some quiet. just shut up.. Argh

Tooth and Circumstance

Last night I bit into a drumstick ( the ice cream kind ) and the whole front of my tooth broke off.

I suppose a little backstory would help. When I was 8 I decided to be a little stunt person and go down a slide on my head, needless to say they it didn’t go well, I hit my mouth on the side and broke my front tooth almost completely out. The dentist gave me a root canal and created what I thought was a tempory crown which he replaced two years later.

35 years later, the damn thing shattered, I went to the dentist today and they told me that the tooth was completely fucked and I had two choices, bridge or implant. Either way they tore that rotten ol thing out and I has a gap in the front. Talk about feeling white trash.

Anyhow I am on Percocet and feeling mighty fine but this is definitely going to be a pain in the ass. I get a floater tooth on Thursday and then in 3 months I get my implant. The good part is that my front teeth will match in color for the first time in 35 years..

I did handled it like a champ though. I totally rocked without freaking out, so go me!!!

Last Day Til October

This will be my last blog written on my computer until we buy a house which will be October. We want to be in by Halloween as it is my favorite holiday and I want to be able to decorate. Almost all of our stuff is going into storage until then.

I won’t stop posting but I will be using my IPad or my laptop to write on moving forward so most of the posts are not likely to be perfectly edited. While on the road the next few days I will likely be making very short posts, we want to get to Omaha as soon as possible so it will be post, sleep, drive, mix, repeat.

I am  super stressed out today. In fact as I write this I am having a lot of dissociative feelings. I feel like my head is under the sea.. Everything just doesn’t feel right. I hate that, but what are you going to do right? I’ve taken my antianxiety meds and am mostly just trying not to curl up. It’s my natural reaction. My body shuts down and wants to go to sleep to avoid everything.

Not really something I can do though. The movers will be here in a little over 12 hours and then we will be on the road for 6-8 hours then 2 more days of 8-10 hours, something like that. I takes a while to drive there and there looks like there is going to be weather.. Scary.. fucking weather. I miss it but not the scary stuff, I just hope we are safe. I want to get Omaha with as little stress as possible.

Wish me luck ..

Good Things

likeable-blog-500-1xFirst off thank you for this. 500 Likes is rather amazing.  It makes me feel that I am not only writing how I feel but others can relate. Plus today is my 160th post. WoW!

 

 

 

 

Second off my Bestie suggested that I think about the positive things that are coming from the move to help with my stress.

So in list form though in no particular order.

 

 

  • I will be able to experience weather again
  • I am not embarrassed to go out and do things
  • I have family
  • I am moving closer to my BFF
  • I am going to be buying a home
  • I get to have another puppy
  • I get to travel through some beautiful places
  • I get to go to a place that feels like home.

 

Okay that is some positive. A lot actually. I am looking forward to the move and I think that it’s just the stress of change that so effects us bipolars that is hitting me. My husband has been wonderful and supportive trying to alleviate as much stress as possible. My BFF has been there for me even though she has been having some stress and depression of her own. I have a wonderful support system here on wordpress as well. much love.