Month: April 2014

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.

I Saw A Possum

We decided to take the dogs for a walk this afternoon and Charlie got on the scent to something, pulling at the leash, while I am trying to get Ren to move at all.. All of a sudden I hear.. it’s a possum.. and it was! I’ve never seen one in a non-zoo environment before so I was interesting as we steered clear of the sharp pointy teeth.. It didn’t look pissed but I remembered hearing how nasty they could be..

Today I am in the mixed episode kind of place, sickenly happy then terribly sad and teary.. I hate this place.. I honestly should be just happy. My husband is being so wonderful. I did such a great job in Las Vegas and I’ve set my diet plans for Monday and I’ve decided I am going to write my book, even if I only do it for 15 minutes a day. I want to accomplish that in my life.

I don’t want to go back down again… I like being up here…  I’m scared

So Glad to Be Home!!

We went and picked our dogs up they had been groomed and our little Charlie didn’t even look like himself. So skinny without all his fluffy puffy fur.. Ren looks adorable as usual like a little ewok!

I was so relaxed the second we walked in the door and I got sleep and well went to sleep.. Sleep so wonderful!!!! How I have missed thee.

I spilt Dr. Pepper all over my keyboard and now am having to use an ergonomic(sp?) keyboard which I frankly detest it makes my hands ache..

I start taking two 300mg tomorrow, I am really nervous. So far it has made everything taste like hell.. Seriously gross, I may just end up losing weight which I can definitely afford to do..

Gonna keep this short tonight, still pretty tired and I just want to chill.. Thanks for the support during my Vegas Vacation, it really means a lot.

Okay I’m Officially Tired Of Vegas

I woke up (this is s a loose term) this morning to the feel of complete exhaustion both mentally and physically. I have pushed myself so hard the last few days that I have come to my end. I am gonna stay in the room the rest of the day. I’m not having fun and I am tired of hearing and smelling people. Yup smelling it’s gotten so crowded you can smell all the smokers, the people who put on way to much cologne or perfume and armpits.. blech.. just nasty.

Last night the hotel exploded with people coming in for Easter Weekend, even at 1am there were tons of people packed all around me.

Hubby is mad at me because I came to visit him at the Pai Gow Table, he didn’t seem to be happy I was there so I left and came back to the room. Then I get back here and he’s like come back, but it was really hard for me to be there the first time. Even coming up to the room the floor kind of moved under my feet I thought I was going to keel over.. So tired

Tomorrow I start on 2 300mgs of Lithium, I’m a little scared but I have to do it. Then I have my blood test on Thursday.  Hopefully everything works out ok.

I’m gonna sign off since my mom in law is here and when I write tomorrow it will be on my computer instead of my laptop. Thanks for reading.

I did have a minor breakdown this morning, today might get better.. hehe

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

outside the chapel

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

I felt that today was a really big accomplishment for me. I slept so horribly and woke up feeling poorly with some tummy issues. I was going to crawl back into bed and just give up. Instead I went out and ate at a restaurant, played some slot machines and walked probably another mile or so.

Got to see my mom in law and gave her the card telling her we were coming back to Omaha and she honestly screamed she was so excited. Makes a person feel loved. I’m tired and feel a little like puking but it was a good day all in all.

My hands were shaking pretty bad this morning I am assuming that it is because of the lamictal being gone.. I imagine tomorrow might be worse.

One last thing the damn Lithium makes everything taste like ass. It’s kind of pissing me off.

 

 

 

Here In Vegas!!

It was a lovely drive me and hubby sat and talked a little and listened to a wide variety of music. When he was busy driving I would just stare at his face, the way it’s changed. How wonderfully handsome I still think he is 13 years later and how lucky I am to have him. When we got here we took a walk towards the strip, neither of us are in that great of shape so we got about a mile and a half and then turned back to get some dinner! So far I am having a great time. There is a gigantic bathtub here, honestly delightful and dinner was marvelous. My mood has been mostly up today. I’ve had several self hate minutes but I talked to hubby about it and it helped a lot. Wish you were here!

Our Hotel

Our Hotel

Tomorrow is Vegas

Tomorrow at noon we head out for the four hourish drive to Las Vegas. I am super excited about going, I am completely packed. Did some self loving, colored my hair a pretty burgundy and whitened my teeth. Girls gotta look her best right? 😀

I was in a pretty good mood today and I’ve noticed the last couple of days my brain hasn’t been racing as much as it normally does. A one point today though I started getting a little grumpy and the thoughts started stabbing me in the brain! I was pissed off, I really don’t want to be happy for the 3 days before I go to Vegas and then  have a down turn there. So I went and had a nap. Woke up feeling much better. Though seriously I could do without the headaches from the withdrawal.

Don’t you hate that the medications we take to make us feel better, usually have something that makes us feel worse at the same time. Especially when going off the damned things. I can’t wait to be completely off the Lamictal. I also can’t wait until I get the see the ECT doc. I’m very excited about that. Having to only take one pill to control the mood swings would be amazing!

Anyhow I am off to watch Game of Thrones and try to get some sleep before tomorrow. Talk to you then!

Things Are Actually Pretty Great Right Now

I have been in a pretty amazing mood today, jovial would be a great one word description. I went out and did some clothes shopping at Target!! I was so happy with myself for doing it and so loved to be able to touch and smell the clothing before I got it. I mean Amazon rocks but you can’t compare it to actually being able to be 100% positive you got the right size.

Yes shopping is my addiction of choice but I didn’t go overboard and got a few cute outfits for Las Vegas. I am hoping that I will be able to wear more than one out, if things stay up that is a good possibility. I tend to not be so anxious when I am like this. Plus I don’t completely hate myself right now which is more than a little unusual but I’ll take any of the positive things that come my way.

I have my bag all packed and ready to go, does it say something that I am bring a duffle bag and hubby is bring a medium suitcase? lol A girl can never be too prepared. Shoes and makeup and clothes and jewelry and hair stuff. When I do myself up for his mom’s wedding I might get him to take a picture so I can post it to the blog. We’ll see how that goes.

Either way I will be writing each night from our Hotel room and plan on sharing how everything is going.  I’m going to go do something creative now. TTFN

A Little Tired

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I’ve been super tired today and almost forgot to write in my blog, that would have been pretty upsetting. I don’t have much to talk about, my mood is still up and that’s great! I hope it stays that way for the next 9 days, after that, I can handle a little down time I am sure.

So I thought I would just post a couple cute bipolar posts.

People make fun of our bipolarity but I think it’s kind of funny to laugh at ourselves 🙂