Month: May 2014

A Blog For Writing – Man I’m Manic

I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.

I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.

Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.

The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦

Ring My Bell

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/saved-by-the-bell/

I was never a popular kid. In fact I had very few friends because of my radical mood swings. One moment I would shy and withdrawn and the next I would be super over confident. No one knew what to make of me.

Our high school was having a walk-out because of some new rule about leaving school grounds during school hours. A few very handsome seniors came up to me before it happened and started flirting with me. Of course I was incredibly flattered and wandered outside to have a smoke with them thinking I might be getting a new boyfriend.

They had other plans for me though. They wanted me to pull the fire alarm at a specific moment to start the walk out. I guess I did have a reputation for being a bit of a bad girl. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do these guys a favor and agreed.

It was close to the time for me to pull the alarm and I stood there nervously pacing back and forth in front of it watching the clock. I moved forward and just as my fingers were about to pull it down and break the glass it went off, literally scaring the shit out of me and emptying the classrooms. A few people saw me frozen there which made me hastily leave for home just like everyone else.

The next day the principal of the school called me into the office saying that it was me that pulled the alarm. I of course denied it as he yelled and threatened me. He even used the strap on the corner of his desk making a huge dent. He also called in the fire chief to tell me about the fines and possible jail time I might get.

The lucky thing for me when that little piece of glass breaks it leaves a invisible dye all over your fingers and as the saying goes my hands were clean.

It Saved My Life

I decided to do another daily post challenge. Going Obsolete. Check it out here http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/going-obsolete/

I miss the monochrome monitor and the 1200 baud modem. I miss when computers were used pretty much only for communicating and nothing else. BBS’s (Bulletin Board Systems) were an amazing social outlet and you would be able to easily make friends with people in your town and surrounding areas.

One monochrome monitor and 1200 baud modem literally saved my life. It allowed me to escape a horribly abusive men whose violence was escalating. I don’t think I was all that far from him killing me.

I was agoraphobic and terrified to tell anyone. Logging in and talking to strangers allowed me some anonymity and I found unlike my family or the police they actually believed me. I was offered a place to stay and help to get away. So of all the things that have gone obsolete I miss these the most.

I Am Pissed For A Reason

This is not meant to be political.

This is Mental Health Month. We need to help people with mental illness of all types.

There are so many people living on the streets of the United States it is frightening. Regan closed all the asylums that were there for the people who were unable to look after themselves. So now they suffer with their illness alone and in the streets struggling to survive. This country is a country where we should not have issues like this. There should be places for these people to go, to get medications, to get assistance. It hurts my heart to think of these people out there. I am not talking about the people who are perfectly able to get off their asses and work. I’m talking about the truly dysfunctional. How do we help them? You can give them food, you can give them money but in the end they are still going to be unable to function as a healthy human being. I want to help. I want to make a change for them. What do I do? Maybe we can figure it out together. If enough people band together they can get something done right?

My Smile Is Hidden From Me

I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.

Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface. I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities. I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.

I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.

This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.

My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.

It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me. I hate that shit..

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Another Award Wow Thank You!

I am stunned and excited to have received two awards so close together. I feel blessed as I never thought anyone would really read my blog and the fact that someone has and has enjoyed it makes me so happy. Thank you I Am My Own Island

There are rules with this award and sadly I am going to be breaking one of them as the blogs a lot of the blogs I would have nominated have already been done.

The rules of this award are as follows:

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Answer the 11 questions they gave you.

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 200 followers.

4. Let those blogs know that you nominated them by leaving a comment on their blog. .

5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.

My Answers To the 11 Questions are Below.

What was your best year and why? Spring is my best time of year, it usually brings out the hypomania and gives me a lot of energy to get things done.
How did you decide the name of your blog? Honestly it just popped into my head.. No thought about it, it just suited me.
What book would you recommend to read or a movie to watch? And why? I’m Torn I would probably say Galaxy Quest as it’s hilarious even when you are down in the dumps.
Do you believe recovery is possible? (I ask this due to the kind blogs I picked) I’m unsure if there is. I haven’t felt like it in the past and even now I wonder how full of a life I will be able to lead but I hope so and hope is what keeps us all going.
When you have trouble falling asleep? what do you do? Every night and I try to do things that calm my mind, play spa music, watch tv, lay there and think (this one is dangerous though)
Do you have a hobby and how did you decide on it? I have several hobbies, most decided while I was hypomanic. Painting is my favorite though and I’ve learned to start liking what I paint which helps a lot.
Do you have social media you’d like people to follow? I have a face book page and twitter that are the same name. Mostly they just announce the blog for now.
If you could meet anyone on the planet who would it be? Pharrel he seems like a kind soul.
Last meal you ate what did you have? Turkey Dinner blech
Do you have any pets? I have two dog, Ren (we call her monkey) and Charlie they are more like our kids then pets though. We will be adding a third in the next few months
DO you have a favorite commercial (like I love the snickers ones): I love the old spice commercial in the bowling alley. Not sure why but it makes me giggle.

Blogs I am nominating are:

1)Crazy Runs Deep

2) Lazy Moan

3) A Ruined Life

4) Next Left Sanity Station

I wish I had 11.

The 11 Questions for the People Above to Answer Are:

What made you want to start writing your blog?
What is your favorite memory smell?
Do you still have a toy or item that was given to you when you were a child? What is it?
Do you think reading others blogs help you?
What is your favorite song? Why?
Has writing always been something you enjoyed?
What is your favorite TV Show or Movie?
If you could meet one person from the present or the past who would it be?
Do you find you are more creative on certain days?
What would your very last meal be?
Do you believe recovery is possible? (had to steal this one)

Pleased take the time to check out these blogs and others they might enjoy. It’s like being part of a family. Even if we are all a little off 😉

I Suck I’m Sorry

Crazy Runs Deep was kind enough to give me the I Am Part Of The Word Press Family Aware and I have not gotten around to my nominations until now. I was in Vegas and super Hypomanic and well you know how it goes. So thank you! Blogging has brought some sanity into my life.

I would like to nominate

A Ruined Life

Lazy Moan

Next Left Sanity Station

I wish I had more but we follow the same blogs and they were already nominated.