Month: April 2016

A Better Day?

I’m feeling slightly better today. I don’t know if it’s real though. I did my normal Saturday wake n bake.

I feel less heavy though. It feels like I have been given a little room to breath. Just a little but the air is wonderful. It gives me some hope that I can slide back to the other side of the see-saw.

I woke up and started painting almost right away. I have things in my brain that need to come out apparently. Oh it would be so lovely if I could have a hypo-manic episode, I could get so much shit done. Right now I’m ignoring that stuff and waiting until I feel better to do anything about it. Unless I get motivated.

Motivation would be nice.

Tired of Feeling Like Crap

I realize I haven’t been sick all that long or I’ve been sick for a very long time. It’s confusing. I have intestinal issues but I have IBS plus sometimes it just acts up when I am stressed. I find it very tiring non the less.

I’m trying to find a way out of the circle I’ve made for myself. Working on a painting. Hopefully that will give me a little boost when it’s done. Just trying to give myself a positive thing to do every day, even if it’s just a little.

I’m feeling less depressed today than I did yesterday though, which makes me semi-smile.

:}

 

Listen To The Music

Trying hard to be easier on myself. I’m still smoking the weed, but I will be out in a couple days and will decide if I will get more then not now.

I’ve been up feeling like shit physically and it’s dragging me down. So I decided to put on some music and see if that would help. Funnily enough it did. I always forget the positive effect that music has in my life.

I put on some up beat dance music and even danced a little as I sang my favorites at the top of my lungs. It definitely helped some of my anxiety, well until I thought about it too much.

Does music affect your moods?

Forgiving Myself

I have been beating myself up for quite some time. The depression grabs hold of me and my house and hygiene go to shit.

I stop caring about anything but caring about everything. That probably doesn’t make any sense. I care what other people think. I judge myself as I think others would judge me and I never give myself a break. I’m constantly hammering shit into my own head about how horrific everything is.

Honestly, yes my house is a little untidy, is it dirty? no. I showered a few days ago which is good.

I just need to forgive myself for the depression controlled events and maybe it will help me get through them just a little bit easier.

Do you ever have anything similar happen? Remember to be easy on yourself. It’s super hard but we have to try right?

Humdrum

I’m feeling so blah. My alarm went off in the middle of me watching TV.  I set an alarm to write my blog everyday.  I figure it will help.

I don’t really want to do anything.  I don’t want to write. I don’t want to watch anymore TV. I just want to crawl into bed, I feel like complete garbage on top of being depressed.

Sometimes there might be a novella and sometimes it may just be a word or two but I will write every day again.

Blech. Least I accomplished something by doing it.

Missing People

I haven’t been around people for a couple of weeks and I’m not feeling very good physically, I’m depressed and anxious. It sucks.

Tonight is my nephews birthday and I just sent my husband off to a family gathering without me.  I just don’t feel well enough to even be around family. I love them but can’t handle it right now. Though I would love some one on one time with my sis-in-law, I miss her.

I’m in one of those moods where I am finding it really difficult to write or express myself.  Yet I did say I would post every day so here I am!

Blog post posted….

Depression Sucks

It takes all your motivation away. It leaves you feeling trapped with this horrific feeling of claustrophobia.

Now despite all this I went out for a Sunday drive. We have some really pretty areas around here and it was nice to get out of the house. It might have even helped a teeny tiny bit. Though it took me out of my comfort zone, it was likely a good thing.

Hubby says I should just do things I don’t want to do. I don’t have a feeling of not wanting to do anything. It’s more of I can’t find anything to do. Maybe he’s right who knows.

I’m avoiding sad things as much as I can because I feel like if I were to start crying it would just turn into an endless cascade of tears.

I’m considering giving up weed. Being high every day is starting to be the only way I can feel normal and it’s not keeping the depression at bay the way it used to.  I’ll think about it before I get anymore I guess.

Day 2 Of What I Hope Is A Year

I suppose I should get caught up. My mom came for a month and it was absolutely fantastic. We had such a good time together. It’s been two weeks since she went back to Canada and I really miss already. What are you gonna do when the man you love lives in the states though.

I also need to be more proactive in finding a way to visit my family in one way or another. I haven’t seen most of them for over 15 years. I don’t know where time went it just passed so quickly.

I need to renew my green card too which is a huge pain in the ass. I need to take the citizenship test. I think I could pass especially with some studying. Meh who knows.

I’m finding myself trying to break out of the circle I’ve built. Hopefully I find something before I go completely out of my fucking mind. Seriously.

 

 

I’m Going To Start Writing Every Day Again

I noticed the year that I wrote my blog every day I felt more I guess free would be the word.

Lately I’ve started to fall into my depressive stumblings, where I do nothing but lay on the couch all day counting the minutes until hubby gets home. Nothing changes when he gets here mind you. He goes on his computer and I usually watch the same shows I do every night.

I feel like every day is a circle. I just keep doing the same thing every single day. Get up, get high, wait for hubby, mix repeat.

I’m hoping if I start writing again that I will be able to find a small break in the circle and find some freedom again.