Depression

Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.

Black and White

I always see things in black or white. I’ve decided that I am going to start trying to see the grays.

My therapist told me it’s all about the way you look at things and being more accepting of people and situations. I really need to do this as I always absolutely love or hate someone. It will be interesting to try.

My depression is here and I’ve felt so down most of the day but I’m not going to allow it to make me not do things. So I painted, I played on the computer and I’ve agreed to try and find a meetup group so I can explore friendships.

Also hubby said there was a company looking for telemarketers right near his work. I’m gonna apply and see if I can get the job. Why not. I think I can work. It doesn’t hurt anything to try.

Can is my new word.

Introversion Begins

It’s that time when my moods make me start withdrawing. I am moving away from the things that I enjoy.

I don’t want to draw or paint. I don’t want to write all that much. I am cooking but that is out of concern for saving money more then any joy.

I must keep my promise to write my blog.

I am gonna try and be positive, even though I feel like curling up and hiding. I hate the mood swings. Up and down. I would like to be happy longer… Just a little maybe a full month.

Man I don’t even want to shop.. Bah

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?

Thanks Marty

I had basically decided that I was not giving to go to my appt tomorrow but when I called and canceled I got a call back from Marty a nurse that works in the office. She was concerned and didn’t want me to quick unit they had a chance to work.

I told her I was terrified and having a lot of anxiety. She told me they wouldn’t let me die. I’m gonna hold her to that.

Waiting for hubby to come home so that I can have my last meal of the day. I’m not sure what I am having yet. Hopefully this weekend will allow my brain to become more focused and less anxious. I have a feeling that will take a while though.

Am I less depressed? Dunno too damned anxious.. Ugh

Session Two Down

I’ve made it through my second session. I had a heck of a headache afterwards but it has started to clean up and just be a dull ache in the back of my head.

I didn’t know if I would go through with it but sometimes I surprise even myself.

This time they gave me a physical, it was supposed to happen last time but somehow it got over looked. I think most of the people that work there have been exposed to the ECT a little long. They are really nice though.

The PA who did my physical and I had a conversation about mania and people purposely cycling to become manic. Apparently this damages the brain though. I’ve only purposely cycled a couple times and honestly have forgotten how I did it.

If I am lucky I won’t have my extreme mania after these sessions. One again I am not 100% sure if I am going to go again. I jut haven’t made up mind. The fact that I am terrified of dying is really not helping though.

Make no promises, let no one down!

Forward Ho!

Today my head is clear and I am already been giving the normal life stresses that just happen. Hubby has to go into work tonight for several hours, while I won’t be alone this will be stressful as I am tying to mentally prepare for my ECT session tomorrow.

I’m not 100% sure that I am going but I haven’t ruled it out yet either. It will all depend on how well I sleep I suppose. My head is a little aches but not too bad. My chin hurts a little and my ankle is bruised. I can live with all these things.

If it works for my depression that would be nice. Yesterday I felt so off afterwards that it was really off putting. At first I thought I definitely would not return but I am hoping to have the courage to at least do this week and we how I am feeling.

I saw a lot of people there who looked really out of it before going in and that worries me too. I want to be self aware at all times. There is no point in getting better if I’m a bumbling idiot.

I suppose I am kind of arguing with myself but that’s what a blog is for right?

After My First Session

When I first woke up I was just groggy and dozed on and off for a while. When it was time for me to go my head was hurting a little but not so bad really. Just a slight headache and I was nauseated but my stomach was definitely off. It just felt weird.

I think the worst part is that I am experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m anxious about being alone tomorrow. I’m anxious about side effects that haven’t occurred yet. I’m worried about taking my anti anxiety meds. I am sure the anxiety will pass but it makes me hesitate to repeat the process.

I think that I will decide after tomorrow. I do feel better than I first did. I wish I could find something that made my stomach feel settled. My brain would feel settled. I am just off.

By the way why does and anestsia (sp?) hurt so fucking much when it enters your vein. We’ll see how it goes. Least my memory is ok so far.

I’m glad they decided to go with unilateral though. I think that bilateral would have been worse.

I Am A Coward

I sent myself into such a tithes with anxiety last night I ended up unable to sleep and throwing up. Around four am I cancelled my procedure and asked for a reschedule. I feel like am I a failure who let people down.

I’ve been backsliding the past couple of weeks. I haven’t been going out as much and my anxiety is back up. Like way back up. I know I need to do this for my own good. The depression will kill me.

I have no idea why I am so anxious. I do know I am filled with a lot of self hart red right now.

I’ve stopped going to my therapy sessions and now this. What am I going to do?

Trying to Chill

In addition to being bipolar and a bunch of other psychiatric things I have GERD which is not fun. I was a very bad girl and stopped taking care of it which I think has been most of the reason for all my stomach issues of late. So I am back to trying to get that shut under control.

I didn’t go out today in fact in the last week I have only gone out twice, I need to fix that shit. I don’t want to be homebound again. I have to be so careful about that.

I did cancel my therapist appt this week but I will make some in the future after my stomach settles and the ECT is underway. I am not gonna punish myself too much for backing out, things are just really stressful.

I still can’t believe that I am starting my ECT the day after tomorrow.. Do exciting and scary..