It’s been a couple of days since my ketamine treatment. I feel a little weird and anxious, yesterday was worse but I am also in a decently good mood.
I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. Today I walked around a grocery store by myself!!! I’m hoping this means I can get out even more. When I was there, I didn’t even have a panic attack. Remarkable.
My panic attacks are typically about breathing or not being able to breathe. So, I am having some small anxiety about the back of my throat. It’s a little irritated from the ketamine. Also, ketamine has to be one of the most foul-tasting things on the earth, lol.
We have been going out once a week on the weekends. Exposure therapy works. We like to go and hang at the casino and play the slots. Normally we would also have dinner but currently I have no teeth, thanks to my poor oral hygiene. That’s a story for another day though.
Last weekend I did a lot of stuff that I didn’t think I could never do again. Went to a family get together, went to the casino and I went to the opening of our YMCA. We also went out to dinner which was nice. Then I got sick and haven’t really done anything this week.
I asked hubby if he wanted to go on a date this weekend. I am planning on going to Dave and Busters because we have such good memories and I think it would be a fun thing to do.
I don’t know how often I’ll be blogging. I suppose it depends on my moods. Feels good to write again though.
Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.
I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.
I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.
I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.
Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.
This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.
Ali I am sitting here at the hospital waiting for my appt and it’s already gone an hour over. They are really behind. I am lucky my husband is here to keep me distracted or else I would be going postal.
I feel bad when I laugh at something he says or does or even smiles, everyone looks so miserable here. I know right this moment is not bad for me but most of the time it is. They don’t know that though.
I dunno how long I’ll be waiting but t least I came. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.
Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.
Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.
Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.
Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.
Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!
Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!
I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.
I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.
Today my blog will be primarily pictures because I had a wonderful day outside in Hollywood. We went to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and good around. I felt like a normal person. Enjoy the pics!
My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
Bipolarity.
Bad Haiku.
However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.
My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.
I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.
Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!
Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.
When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.
When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.
I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.
My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me. So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..
A Bipolars Reality 