Anxiety and Back Pain

I’m anxious about going to the chiropractor tomorrow. I am hoping to find relief but often worry about the bad things that can happen. I never looked anything up because I hope my imagination is worse then reality 😀

Hubby is home today which is really nice. I miss him since we don’t spend as much time together as we used to. I love that man so much. He is my world. 

There is a lot of storming going on which is making it hard for me to sleep unless it is during the day. I thought that I missed the rain but not enough to put up with the storms. Thunder, lightening and wind.. Nothing relaxing about it.

I’m painting, but am super unhappy with the one that I painted for my mom in law, I think I will have to make another one.

Now on an unrelated note, I am posting it here because it is pissing me off. The whole ice bucket for ALS thing? It’s awesome a bunch of people are doing stupid shit to bring awareness to it but hey how about you speak with more than your idiocy and donate yourselves as well?

I would prefer people donated to bipolar research then did videos kicking strangers in the nuts to bring awareness to it.  Maybe that is just me and is of course a silly comparison but no more silly then not putting your money where your mouth is.

Anyhow that’s my rant.

Murder She Wrote

I am so moody. It is really pissing me off. I have gone from sadness to pure rage. I haven’t felt rage in a long time. I realize that it is good that I am feeling again. The numbness was unbearable! I think that having to learn to feel again is always incredibly hard. You don’t know if your medications are making any difference because they typically take 3 weeks at minimum.

I am sure if the antidepressant works I will still need to take a mood stabilizer just to keep things on an even keel. Getting rid of the depression just opens up all the other over the top emotions I feel. I want to get my shit stable enough to be able to at least work at a part time job.

I realized talking with my husband while we walked tonight that I am feel useless. I don’t feel that I really contribute to our lives. I know that I make him laugh and smile but is that enough? I am always making things worse. I spend money when we need to be saving it. I seem to always constantly be having medical shit going on. 

I feel worthless. I hate it 😦

I’m Lonely It Sucks

Today my husband went back to work. Mom in law went back to watching the niece and nephews and the house is quiet and lonely. I don’t know that I will be able to work or volunteer but I would like to have interactions with people instead of always waiting for someone to come and visit or come home from work.

It makes me sad that i need to be with other people so much. I mean I think it is wonderful that I dont want to shut myself off with my crazy. I want to share. It’s one of the reasons that I blog. The loneliness is hard though. It makes my heart ache. I wander around trying to push myself.to keep myself busy.

I went outside and it made my eyes tear up as I heard the slight hum of someone mowing their lawn in the distance and it made me crave small talk. Hows the weather? What did you think of the storm last night? Are you looking forward to fall? That sort of thing.

I did do a painting today, I rather like it!

photo (1)

 

True Blood WTF

I’ve watched it from th beginning. I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read every book and whole the show has gone to complete shit the last few years I was so disappointed how they ended it. I won’t say how because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone but omg it sucks hella balls.

Today has been interesting I am conspiring applying to work at michaels. I’ll see if this is a manic episode. I am feeling creative and I am wanting to do a lot of things but I don’t know if they are me. I love creating don’t get me wrong. It’s the other things that I want to do.

I am gonna see the chiropractor because I don’t know how I am gonna feel emotionally until I am feeling better physically. Fingers crossed I get in Tuesday as opposed to Thursday cause I am in sooo much pain..

Why does TV suck so much dick lately? Just saying.

I’m In A Hallows Mood

I love Halloween,it’s my favorite holiday. Everyone is starting to sell decorations and clothing related to it. I even purchased a beta fish Halloween tank that comes with a black light. I did not buy a fish because it would just be a pain to move the damn thing but I’m gonna super prepared for next year.

On a non Halloween note I bought these super cute hit pink sneakers. They are called air walks. I guess they were really popular in the 80s for me hot pink is popular any time. They also had Peter Pan get away boots which I had to get a pair of. The 80s was my favorite decade I don’t mind if it comes back around!

I’ve always been super girly and I dig the clothes that are super feminine. When I lose some more weight I am gonna get some cute heels!!!

I’ve had a lot of positivity today. I’m in a lot of pain because something is out in my upper back. I am seeing a chiropractor on Thursday. Hubby says it is pretty swollen so I hope that I can get it corrected. I’m telling ya, I’m tired of feeling like shit.

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?

Creativity Ahoy

I am missing my computer. It had my photoshop and music and my photography all on y computer. I miss my stuff. I am going to be painting today I think. I need to use my creativity. It makes me feel good.

I am setting up a chiropractor appt because something hurts in my upper back and I want to start working out again. I need to work on my physical attributes. Losing weight will help me feel better and it will make me look better and all of that will help me mentally I think.

I am curious what my doctors will think to do with me medicinally. Things can’t stay the way they are. I need to move forward. I have had some happy moments which is good. Those weren’t happening that often before.

After I get to working out and get my back fixed I am thinking of going out more.. We went to the movies once already which was something for me and I want to go back and see tmnt. I think it will be cut, but maybe three is a horror movie playing whichever be even better..

We’ll see!

What To Do?

I have been feeling off, I can’t allow this to control my life though. I have a cold and I should just be resting to get over it. Instead I have been worried about death. It’s filled my thoughts constantly nagging me. Pulling at my heart and soul. I want to live it a long life. I want to enjoy life. I want to be with Jim as long as I can be.
I have to stop living in fear, fear does nothing but waste life. I need to life life life.. Enjoy the wonderful things in life. The plants, the clear blue skies. The zoo, the movies. My art. I need to live.
I need to be medicated again and I am looking forward tackling with my shrink and therapist about working on my bipolarity and helping me live life again. I was doing fabulous before I came back here and I’ve backslide. I do that too much. I can’t allow myself to be pushed back to nothing again.
I am strong!

No More ECT

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

Still No Clue

I still don’t know what I am going to do. I do know I am exhausted and have dozed off a few times today. I still don’t feel good about what went down so I am not serif I am going to move forward with treatment. I hope that Coe morning I am feeling. Ore secure in my decision to either go ahead with treatment or not. BFF says to keep doing it and hubby says he’ll support me no matter what I decide so I’ll know in a few hours one way or another.

Either way this has been a learning experience…