depression

I Don’t Like Mondays

I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.

I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.

I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.

I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.

I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.

I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.

I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.

So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget just how horrible this mental illness makes me feel.. I don’t mean mentally either. The pills alone cause cloudiness, stomach upset and I swear increase that feel of depersonalization.  They make my body confused as to when it is coming and when it is going.

That’s not the part I forget though, it’s the aches and pains that feel a lot like someone has kicked you over and over again after knocking you down. How lethargic yet sleepless you are at the same damn time. It’s so frustrating. I feel like complete shit. I thought I had a cold but I’m not so sure. I just want to go to bed and sleep forever. This morning I could have done it easily.

If the little girls room didn’t wake me up every few hours I would have probably slept 11hours straight through. I pulled myself out of bed with a lot of struggle, jumped into the shower to wake myself. It didn’t help much just woke me enough to start feeling the aches and pains..

Why, why why why.. does it have to be so shitty?

I dreamt of an abusive ex last night, he rarely shows up except when I am super duper stressed.. I wish I could relax..

We move back to Omaha in July, maybe things will get better before we go.. They can’t get much worse at this point..

Did I mention I feel like SHIT?!?!

Bubbles

I think that everyone lives in their own little bubble. However some peoples are sparkly and rainbow like, almost like the aurora borealis . Some are filled with fire and smoke and whip out flames to hurt ,while others are almost pearl like and calm with a hint of blue ocean. Then we have the bubble which is fractured and torn barely able to keep a float with it’s wisps of gray. Finally there is the black bubble, so dark and deep and filled with hate you can’t see the light through it.

I think as bipolars our bubbles are shifting, we move between the various bubbles and only the people who truly know us can see which one we are.  As our moods change we flit about in one form or another. Not always aware of how our bubble is showing, but knowing it usually attracts others like moth to fire.

With others our bubbles might not show as we feel. We are strong  at controlling our bubbles when faced with the people we don’t know or we don’t want to see us as we are. We act like one while we feel another. Perhaps the most empathic person can see what we truly are but most just see what we present them. We rarely let others close enough to see how our wondrous collection of bubbles we are.

Why am a talking in bubbles? I always consider people to have a personal space, defined as a bubble. I day dreamed about this and I could see all the vibrancy that each person holds. Just the way my brain works sometimes I suppose.  Do you experience all the bubbles?

No Sex For You!

I used to be a highly sexualized woman. I admit some of that is from the mania. I’ve had more partners than I’d like to admit honestly. When hubby and I first got married we were like bunnies. Several times a day every day of the week. I mean this is fairly normal I think for newlyweds and we were like this for several years until they started medicating me.

My husband is 7 years my junior and is for some reason still attracted to me and is as eager to have sex as from day one. (I don’t think he could keep up now though lol)

The thing that frustrates me is that I enjoy sex while I am having it, but I don’t have the drive I once had. Once again if they would prescribe me some MM, that would change. The medications have almost completely killed my drive. It seems like such an effort to even bother and my husband will inevitably walk around for a couple to a few weeks with blue balls until I am able to satisfy his needs.

I hate that the things that are supposed to help us get rid of our crazy are the very things that mute as persons. It has stopped me from enjoying my life. The depression is the worse it has ever been and there doesn’t seem to be a bright light in site.

I long for the days when I would dress up in lingerie awaiting my man to walk in the door so I could jump his bones.  Does anyone else have these issues?

Now I Remember Why I Never Go Back To Canada

Mood: SAD, ANGRY, SAD

I am sitting here after another crying spree because my mother says horrible things. Her and my other sister are on the outs and she expects me to be a middle man. Like I need that kind of stress. Then she says I never do anything for her.. FFS what the hell did I do to deserve that.

Last night I admit I drank a couple of bottles of wine by myself so I could relax, maybe get a little sleep and play Rock Band with my mom and sister. It wqas actually a fun night though I didn’t sleep until almost 10am. 2 hours of sleep though, I’ll take it.

When I got up mom is like you need to vacuum I did everything else.. First off I didn’t ask you to do anything and stop telling me what to do in my own home.. Is what I should have said.  Instead I just quietly vacuumed.

Last night my sister said you can sing, I can’t really but I can play rock band. My mom asked me why I thought I couldn’t sing, right then I wanted to say it was making fun of me mom.. but instead I blamed my dad.. She forgets that she was a different mom when she had her first three kids.

In the last few days I have cried multiple times, this is stressful enough without me being poked at.. Cant wait for my husband to come home. I am really starting to hit a very large pit of hell.. 32 hours to go.. ugh.. that seems like a lifetime..

Maybe I am just better off with no one but my husband in my life. I thought things were going to be so different. I thought we were going to be going out together, etc.. nothing.. just me by myself all fucked up.

Funny how we build things up in our head and they turn out to be the way we thought we misremembered them.

Functioning Bipolar?

I noticed that I take horrible care of myself probably about 85% of the time.. I eat poorly, don’t exercise as much as I should. Sometimes I don’t shower for a week. Forget to brush my teeth.. honestly I make myself sick. I pick at things until they fester, constantly pick pick.. Especially if it is a hair that doesn’t belong.. just one can send me into a picking spiral. I find hair gross, but holes grosser. I leave the house in total mess. Seriously the one thing I could do would be to be a good housewife but nope. I’m not lazy, don’t get me wrong I just can’t look after myself. I look at it and get so overwhelmed.

Eventually I hit mania and everything sparkles including me, I start wearing makeup and styling my hair.  But in that time,  I am even horrible at taking my medications. I always seem to forget a couple/few times a week to take them. I think this is one of the reasons ECT would work for me as opposed to drugs. I imagine therapy would be good as well. I have managed to avoid it until now, but I realized while starting to talk to and read other bipolars post that maybe I don’t have to be so shut off from everything. If I can learn to cope and find my triggers.

I can’t work outside of the house, well technically I can’t work for more than a few months at anything. I start out highly driven and then end up just falling apart. I don’t know why, I like working, I love that feeling of accomplishment but something just happens and it’s all over.  Every time I get manic I start a new job and then a couple months later I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t know why I am like this. I used to get up, shower every morning, brush my teeth 2-3 times a day, think about what I put into my body and was very active. Over the years it has gotten steadily worse. The depression lasts longer and I seem to be just going more and more downhill physically.

At the first of the year, I started doing this again, for 2 weeks straight I exercised every day, showered every day and was starting to be very conscious about what I was eating and drinking. I did majorly fuck up my lamictal though and started going through withdrawal symptoms and went almost comatose with depression. I just couldn’t do anything. I lost all my will.

Now I am back to where I am thinking about slowing adding these things back in.  It’s hard to do when I feel I am just going to fail again, plus I am the worst self-saboteur. I lose a few pounds and instead of it motivating me it makes me buy junk food and drink soda’s What’s up with that anyhow?

Is there anyone else that has these same issues, or are you a functioning bipolar?

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Sleepy and Sad

SADFACEToday I woke up sad and sleepy. I don’t know that I have a trigger for my depression other than stress and I am always stressed about something. Even the smallest little things. So I spent most of my day in bed, sleeping. I was trying to block out the world.

My dogs awoke me with barking and there were some men in the courtyard outside of my apartment yelling in Spanish so I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. My patio door was wide open, we leave it that way during the day since I am always home and the dogs like to go outside and get fresh air. Sometimes when I am aware of the realness of the world if I am going to sleep I close it, usually pretty frightened. Today was completely different.

I woke up listened and said to myself if they are going to kill me, might as well just let them kill me. I’m not feeling suicidal just very tired of the ups and downs. I am looking forward to seeing my shrink on the 27th. I wish that she wasn’t always so booked that it takes a month to get into see her. But what can I do. I am not ready to find a new doctor and I am hoping that she knows me well enough to listen to what I want from my treatment.

I wonder how long the sadness will last this time, it always feels like forever… I hope this time it’s not.

Mommy Dearest

Mood: so-so

My mother and I always seemed to be on the outs. We got along better once I was a mature adult but my view of her was still skewed. I didn’t realize until very recently just how much I had put her through.

At 10 we started family counseling as my mother had no idea what to do with me, after the drugs that had been given to me everything about me had changed. Gone was the sweet happy girl, now I was moody and flippant. I was sleep walking almost nightly. My mom told me a story recently of her waking to check on me and not being able to find me anywhere and her fearing the worst as the doors to the apartment were locked. Luckily I was hidden deep in a closet sleeping, but I tried to do many different things while sleep walking including trying to crawl into a freezer.

At 12 I was out partying every night, sometimes didn’t come home for days and was extremely promiscuous. She’d ground me, I’d disappear or run to my father, who honestly was pretty damn useless. I remember one night in particular I had gone to a party and smoked some weed, apparently some asshole thought it was great to put some angel dust in it so most of the night is a blur. The only things I remember was being naked, trying to kill myself and my dad ricocheting my head off the walls of the hallway as he took me home. Of course there was another memory that I had forgotten until recently. My mom had stayed up with me all night until the effects had warn off. I thought at the time she was doing it to punish me, but honestly I was like a rabid animal. She feared for me.

At 12, I tried to kill myself intentionally for the first time. I took an entire bottle of some medication for migraines. My father didn’t believe my sister when she ran to tell him, but my mom knew it was true and made him take me to the hospital. Thanks mom! *this isn’t sarcasm*

Today her and I are on very different footing, she comes to visit me in California from Canada. In fact she is going to be coming for 6 months every year, I am very excited as I won’t be so lonely (sorry if I repeat something I have typed before). She calls me weekly to make sure I am okay and is researching my bipolarity so that she can be as understanding about it as possible. She is a remarkable woman and I am very proud to call her my mom.

I wish I had of realized it sooner we could have had even more time together!! However there is always the here and now and she is only 64, so we have lots of time. My great-grandmother lived to 102. My mom has even more spunky.

How is your relationship with your mom?

My Brain She Is Broken

Mood: Tired with a touch of sadness.

Last night I could not sleep. This happens quite frequently so if I make a lot of spelling errors I apologize.

The other night I said to my husband. Do you think I am mentally ill enough, I haven’t tried to kill myself in a while. This was a concern about talking to my shrink about ECT.

It’s not that I haven’t thought about it, I mean when I am depressed all I can think about is how tired I am of all this. However because I don’t have the extreme Mania that I did before it’s something I actually think about as opposed to just *bam* doing it.  It scares me to think my mania is low when I spent 15000 dollars on crap in a 2 month period. I can’t even imagine what that would be like unmedicated!!

Back on topic. Last night I was feeling so off, kind of like watching myself from the outside. It’s so hard to describe. I hate when this happens as I am hyper aware of everything around me, tiny sounds, light, how every single part of my body feels. I was cutting boxes open with a knife and thought I bet stabbing myself in the leg would bring me back to being myself. I thought about it for probably 30 mins, then calmly put the knife down and walked away. Had I been unmedicated I would have likely just done it.

This I didn’t tell hubby about, I try to be completely honest with him about how I am feeling, but tend to hide instances where I think about hurting myself. I know I should share this, but I don’t want to have to go to the hospital. I’ve managed to avoid it so far over the years except for a couple of suicide attempts and would like to keep it that way. I need to be with my Boo, it keeps me grounded for the most part.

Damn I am tired.