home

Ce-ment Pond

I was thrilled when we went out to visit the foundation today. They had our porch, garage and basement were all poured and the men were making it all smooth and cool.

Mom seems insecure about buying her home now. It makes me wonder if she is going to go through with her. I honestly worry that maybe our wanting her there has pushed her into doing something she isnt ready for.

Hubby is going to talk to her to make sure she doesnt lose too much money if she feels she would rather stay here in the house on the lake.

I just want her to be happy and we live close enough that holidays and visits arent a big deal.

I am happy right now. I cheated a little on my diet today but I got a candy bar that is only available in Canada and I am going to enjoy it! Plus I’ve lost 2.6 pounds. Go me!

Sexual Frustration

So hubby asnd I are going to do the thing natures likes us all to do since we have the house to ourselves and bam! in walks the mother in law yelling is anybody home? Hello? Hello?

Well the fucking car is in the driveway lady obviously we are home.

I’m pissed! We rarely have sex and I’m rarely in the mood for it and it is ruined.. fuck fuck fuckity fuck..

No fuck..

Creating and Complaining

I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.

My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.

Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.

Some Good Stuff

Today we went and signed the contract for our new home. I took some pictures of the model home we are getting a copy made of. The decor will be different but the layout will be the same. Enjoy the pics!

A Dream Comes True?

Tomorrow at ton in the morning we have a meeting with the contract woman about getting our home built and buying the lots. I dunno what’s going to happen at it I do know that it is going to be stressful though.

I would think that a good thing wouldn’t cause me anxiety but really everything does. I started to take my beta blocker tonight, didn’t really get to test it out though. I’ll take one with my clonezapem in the morning and see if it helps take the edge off.

I’ve read a lot of really good things about beta blockers and social anxiety I hope that it works well for me. I’d like to get back to working outside of the house eventually.

Today was uneventful really, I just won’t the whole day hunkered down on the couch watching a big brother marathon to get caught up. I thought I was lonely but it wasn’t too bad.

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.

Am I Crazy?

Today we went out and looked at houses. We both instantly fell in love with one. We agreed on everything about it . The would be room for guests and a giant art room for me. The kitchen was so amazing I wanted to start baking right there. It’s even in our price range.

The problem is that it is a model home. We would have to wait 6 months before we could move into our own, which means 6 months staying with the mom in law. 6 months of putting up with family and their bullshit.

There are of course positives. 6 months of saving money paying down our credit and saving for closing costs. We would have the house we wanted, designed the way we want. With all th little nooks and crannies we have thought about. We can even purchase the lot in an area we want.

Still 6 months Is a long damn time of holding my tongue and smiling. Sure I will have therapy every week but then my mom in law lo be driving me to it.

I’m stressed and it’s making my body hurt, a lot! I just want to curl in a ball. However I can’t even do that, got to go to the dentists tomorrow and then the nieces birthday. I even bought the spoiled little princess a present. Fucking entitled 6 year olds… Sigh

ill know tomorrow if we are going to do the house thing, please send good vibes.

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

So Glad to Be Home!!

We went and picked our dogs up they had been groomed and our little Charlie didn’t even look like himself. So skinny without all his fluffy puffy fur.. Ren looks adorable as usual like a little ewok!

I was so relaxed the second we walked in the door and I got sleep and well went to sleep.. Sleep so wonderful!!!! How I have missed thee.

I spilt Dr. Pepper all over my keyboard and now am having to use an ergonomic(sp?) keyboard which I frankly detest it makes my hands ache..

I start taking two 300mg tomorrow, I am really nervous. So far it has made everything taste like hell.. Seriously gross, I may just end up losing weight which I can definitely afford to do..

Gonna keep this short tonight, still pretty tired and I just want to chill.. Thanks for the support during my Vegas Vacation, it really means a lot.

Okay I’m Officially Tired Of Vegas

I woke up (this is s a loose term) this morning to the feel of complete exhaustion both mentally and physically. I have pushed myself so hard the last few days that I have come to my end. I am gonna stay in the room the rest of the day. I’m not having fun and I am tired of hearing and smelling people. Yup smelling it’s gotten so crowded you can smell all the smokers, the people who put on way to much cologne or perfume and armpits.. blech.. just nasty.

Last night the hotel exploded with people coming in for Easter Weekend, even at 1am there were tons of people packed all around me.

Hubby is mad at me because I came to visit him at the Pai Gow Table, he didn’t seem to be happy I was there so I left and came back to the room. Then I get back here and he’s like come back, but it was really hard for me to be there the first time. Even coming up to the room the floor kind of moved under my feet I thought I was going to keel over.. So tired

Tomorrow I start on 2 300mgs of Lithium, I’m a little scared but I have to do it. Then I have my blood test on Thursday.  Hopefully everything works out ok.

I’m gonna sign off since my mom in law is here and when I write tomorrow it will be on my computer instead of my laptop. Thanks for reading.

I did have a minor breakdown this morning, today might get better.. hehe