Month: November 2014

It’s Hard To Be A Friend

As you know I often complain of being lonely. I have no clue how to make new friends and I am pretty anti-social. I have two people I would consider friends. My husband and My BFF Dani. We don’t talk as much as a lot of friends. We are both bipolar and have always just disappeared and reappeared in one another’s lives. That was ok with me.

I was often afraid to reach out even though she is always supportive and tells me the truth as opposed to what I want to hear. She is the only person that I allow to speak to me this way. I love her very much. Yet I am a horrible friend. She is going through some very big stuff and I’ve been wrapped up in my own stupid shit. My stuff really isn’t that important.

When we do talk she often asks about me and doesn’t give much info on herself and how she is doing. I find it frustrating and it makes me feel selfish.

My friend has cancer, I’m depressed. BFD on my end…

Needless to say I feel like a shitty friend.

I Feel Like I’m In A Prison

I’m writing this while I sit at my UV lamp hoping to get some relief from this damn depression. This morning I thought about suicide, ways to get the relief I needed but then I remembered Jim and that I need to keep going for him.,

My mother in law has been grabbing all my stuff from around the house and bagging it up. My room is like a ittle prison. Filled with more and more stuff and less stuff allowed out around the house. This house is gigantic and she is a seriously messy person so having a few of my things sitting around weren’t hurting her at all. Yet she is territorial. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. If not I’m afraid our relationship will fail. I don’t have a lot of strength right now.

We won’t know anything until January about when we can move into the house. It feels so far away and everything is so painful and sad.

I am so incredibly lonely. I sit here day in and day out waiting for my husband to come home. I suppose I could clean for the mother in law, but honestly it is disgusting and I don’t want to touch most of it.

She’s almost a hoarder, not quite but close.

I’m not much of a house cleaner myself but I will hire someone to clean for me so my home never gets like this. Plus I think that living here has given me a newfound respect for cleanliness. It is almosts making me a germaphobe. My hands are dried out from cleaning them constantly. Yet I only can manage to pull myself into the shower once a week. I’m a hypocrite,. Yet it’s my own dirt.

I am hoping that the house is done sooner rather than later, but that is still in the early weeks of February. I hope I can keep from going insane or saying something I regret over the next few months. Sometimes a hospital stay seems like it would be a nice break and that’s downright sad.

Depressed And Annoyed

The weekend was good and relaxing, but now i am depressed and fucking annoyed and getting more annoyed. I hate the damn moodiness.

Being bipolar is hard. Dont let anyone tell you any different. The constant mood swings, the depression, the addictive behaviours, the self doubt. I even doubt that I can ever be successful because of the way it controls me instead of me controlling it.

I’m so angry right now and I have no reason to be but I feel like I want to punch someone in the neck or nuts. Now I have to sit down and analyze myself and try and figure out if it is from nothing or if I have a reason for feeling like shit.

Stupid manic-depressive girl, why can’t you just be happy.

A Good Anniversary

While most people would go out to dinner or dancing and do something fancy, hubby and I decided that our time would be best spent curled up snuggled in bed.

We’ve played on our ipads, watched frivilous tv shows and talked about almost nothing. It’s been a nice break.

We had room service and walked around in our jammies all day. It was incredibly relaxing.

Would I have liked something more to happen? Well maybe. I dont feel good though and am so grateful that this is exactly what he wanted to do, what I wanted to happen doesn’t matter.

One anniversary we will have romance and presents and dancing and love making. Not this one though, we will have relaxing and sleeping and watching of the tv’s and snuggles and pure love.

I always take what I can get and I don’t mind giving it back. 😀

In Our Hotel Room

We’ve been in the hotel room for a few hours after a lunch of indian food, which I normally love but has allowed me to spend more time in the washroom of our hotel room then in the actual room!

You’d think it would be romantic but instead I am feeling troubled and just putting on a happy face so that hubby doesnt think that I am not enjoying our time together. Part of it is my sore throat, makes it hard to talk for any amount of time. The other part is well honestly I have no flipping clue and hope to figure it out fast as we only have 2 nights together and I do so love spending time with hubby.

We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night at the place we first had our wedding dinner, I am hoping I dont chicken out about it. I’ve been known to do that from time to time.

I just hope that we can find something to do together.  We enjoy every single day together why should celebrating be so damn hard. Honestly sometimes I hate my brain.

Bad and Good News

Today we got some new that can be taken either good or bad. My mother in law has decided not to purchase the house. I’m sad that she won’t be living next door but I am slightly relieved because I am not going to be stressing out over whether or not the dominoes will land perfectly for her to get the house and not lose the money she would put down at her contract signing.

I was just talking to my therapist yesterday about it and she said not to worry as it was not my fault if things didn’t work out. Yet it has been worrying at my brain since she started the whole she-bang. Needless to say I feel like an anvil has been lifted from my shoulders.

I feel bad that I feel relieved but honestly at some point I need to stop worrying and stop feeling bad and just be damned happy. I deserve to be happy.

This will make enjoying this celebratory weekend all that much better. Woot!

Hope Is Possible

In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.

I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.

Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.

Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.

So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.

 

Dang Almost Forgot

Usually this time of night my blog pops into my head and I write it. Yet tonight I am tired and almost went to bed without writing in my blog.

My cold is now mostly just a sore throat. Yesterday I went to the minute clinic and had my throat checked for strep. The 5 minute test said nope. So I just have to wait for it to pass. They said 4-5 days I might need some antibiotics but my nose is clearing up all on its own. Gross right? lol

Today was pretty uneventful. I shaved my dog and slept a lot. Tomorrow I see my therapist and shrink. I am wondering if I should increase my Latuda. I’ve had depression but it doesn’t last as long. I am rapid cycling, but that is the norm and I am remaining mostly active.

There were more things done when we went out to visit the house. They will be doing the electric and plumbing soon. It’s all very exciting. I will post pictures on Saturday. Now I’m off to bed.

What I Miss

Today it is freezing and there is some cheesy snow. You know the kind that doesn’t really seem to be from the sky but is on the ground non-the-less. So I thought that I would post some nice sunny pictures from California to show that even though I hated living there, there was still beauty to be had. Then I realized all my gorgeous sunny photos are locked up in storage jail on my primary computer.

It’s made me wish for my things yet again.  One day I will have one computer with my photography and Photoshop and illustrator on and one for all my games and things and they will be in my presence.

When we are in our home I will be able to sit down and write my book. I have a hard time just sitting on my laptop and focusing on my story(ies). I want to be able to sit in a comfortable computer chair and listen to music blaring full blast and just throw out my words until my fingers tire.

I had stopped creating when I was unmedicated and now I want to create something almost every day and I’m unable to really get into things because this is not my home and I can’t create the way that I really want to.

I miss being able to be slightly manic and write little novelettes and poems because there is no place to sit and listen to the voices in my minds eye tell me stories.

I’ll be posting more than my feelings next year, it will be all of me. Sometime in January I will hit a full year of posting and next year I want to do the same thing only bigger, better..  I guess we shall see.

 

300th Post

Some days I wrote more than one post but 300 posts is pretty amazing to me. I have never been able to stick to anything this long and the fact that I might actually make a full year of doing something just strikes me as odd. I’m glad that it was writing though. It’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve done it forever and I hope one day to do it on a more professional level. Let’s see what a full year of writing holds.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite comedians Maria Bamford. She is funny and bipolar 2. She shows me that bipolars can be successful. I know there are actors and stuff but I relate to her more.  In fact when one particular actress came out as Bipolar I felt anger. I’ve since gotten over it and am happy that people in the limelight shed more light on our illness.

We went out to the house and they have all of our windows in! I can’t believe how fast things are moving along now. It’s great to see movement each day. It makes me able to enjoy the little light of hope that is in my heart.

Sunday is my 13th wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that someone has stuck with me this long! Life is truely a mystery,

Good day all in all, not so moody and my cold is getting better (I think).