Anxiety

Dallas Here I Come

Yesterday my husbsand told me he had to go out of town for 4 days for a business trip. I was numb. I didn’t want to be seperated from him, He’s my rock, my reason for living. He helps me survive.

When I found out he was going to Dallas I suggested that we drive and I go with him. He said he would talk to his boss and see if it was possible they would rent a car for us instead of him having to fly, on paper it was even cheaper!

This morning I woke up with an ache in the pit of my stomach. Yet when I talked to Jim he informed me that he could take me on the trip and we would start the drive down Monday. I’m nervous because there might be dinners and I might have to meet people but I’m also excited even though I will be stuck in a hotel room for 3 days while he works.

We’ll see which one wins.

 

Not So Nice Surprise

Today it was snowing and our car is not that great in that kind of weather so hubby decided to work from home. I was thrilled he was here. Then around 1:00pm hubby found out that he had a flight out to Denver and had to leave by 5pm. Needless to say he is fairly close to landing in another city and I have to sleep alone for the next two nights while he is on his business trip.

I can’t believe how unprofessional his business was that they didn’t bother to call him his entire week off to see he was available to travel, they did it all by email and he didn’t find out until a few hours before his flight yet the other people knew because they were at work. I call bullshit.

I’m not happy but really he had no choice if he wants to stay in good standing with work.

I don’t have to like it though! FUCK THEM!

Video Blog, Enjoy!

Anxiety is Through the Roof

I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.

I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.

I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.

It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.

Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.

Find Calm

I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.

My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.

I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.

Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….

Tomorrow the Mole Doctor

I’m nervous and don’t feel like talking about it.

Therapy was good.

Shrink was good.

Today with mom was awesome and fun.

Tomorrow will happen.

Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.

Don’t Jump The Gun

I’ve been feeling crappy all damn day. Feeling ill gives me anxiety. It’s the one thing that can undo me.

I have been considering cancelling my therapy session and my visit to the salon all because I feel ill now.

I was upfront with my husband about it, though honestly if I cancel I likely wont be. He told me not to jump the gun.

I hate that it makes me so anxious that I plan to just hunker down and not leave the house. It’s ridiculous.

Tonight I at least got to watch TV shows that I enjoy(ed).

Short post tonight cause of the naughty tummy. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure.

A Little Breakdown

Tonight I talked with my daughter. She again has been dumped by the asshole who she keeps being screwed over with.

I hate that he keeps hurting her. She also informed me that she had been basically been welling herself for drugs. Though she has been clean for 3 months.

I told her if she goes back to this man I will need to stop talking to her. She is mentally unstable and I don’t want to abandon her but she is such a trigger for me.

After the call I wanted to kill myself and felt so guilty and heartbroken for the ways she had turned out. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I started drinking until hubby took the wine away from me. I wasn’t being very smart with taking cold medicine and Xanax and alcohol.

It was a hard day, eventually hubby was able to calm me back down but it made me realize that I might need cut her out of this continues just for my own sanity.

I hope she takes my advice and moves to a new Provence far away from that man and starts a new life, cause this just doesn’t work.