Bipolar

I Don’t Know What To Do

I am so sad all the time. Even when I am stoned I still get flits of grief that make themselves through. I don’t know how to deal with any of this. The person I would normally talk to is the one dying.

I’ve worked on her painting, I’ve written her a hand written letter. I’ve cried numerous tears. It hurts so much. What do you do when you are losing the second closest person in your life.

Every time my phone rings I’m terrified that her husband is calling to tell me she has passed. I can’t even begin to imagine how he feels or even how my BFF feels if she is even aware of what is going on. I kind of hope she doesn’t. The dementia may be a bit of a blessing in this case. I don’t know if that is though.

This is going to hurt for a long time.

My Best Friend Is Dying

AT the end of last week my best friends husband called me to tell me just how far down hill she had gotten. I was told she has two-three weeks to live peacefully at home. I was also told she was experiencing a lot of dementia because of the tumors on her brain.

I feel so much pain right now. I love this woman only second to my husband. She’s the one who always kicks my ass when I’m having a self pity party. She is the only person who calls me Kit. She has made the last 14 years of my love fun and showed me it was okay to care about people.

I’ve spent the last four days high as a kite trying to suppress my heart ache and grief.

Less than a month ago we were talking about her coming to visit me.

I’ve been working on a painting for her and it’s now impossible to paint, my mind has drawn a blank.

I hurt so much. I can’t even imagine how she or her husband feels.

She came on aim and told me she was going to miss me. I’m going to miss her more than I think she can even imagine.

I’m doing horribly at dealing with this and I know self medicating is not the best choice but it’s keeping me from becoming a fucking mess.

Dani, I love you more than you can ever possibly know.

I Hater Being Alone

Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.

We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!

My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.

I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful as she is a wonderful person.

I Hate Emotions

Before my emotions were all really straight forward and I knew what the cause of them typically was. Now I’m not sure how I’m feeling sometimes or what is causing whatever feelings I am having.

I’ve felt very unmotivated the past several days. Right now I am fighting the urge to just go to bed and dream my life away. I’m so restless. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I know I’m not entirely happy but I also don’t feel super bad. I just feel kind of blah.

It really was easier before the meds started fixing all my bipolar shit..

Folic Acid

I thought folic acid was something that just pregnant women needed. However when my shrink did the saliva test it turned out I was low. Apparently the over the counter stuff isn’t what I need either so when I tried to get my script filled they wanted to charge me a whopping 165 dollars. I said nu-uh and waited until I saw my shrink this week. She gave me a month worth of samples to see if it actually helps. We’ll go from there in a month.

My mood has been pretty good. Like I said before I am feeling pretty normal. Which is kind of a bummer but good at the same time. My shrink is happy with my improvement.

I miss my hypomania so much though. What’s the saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Yep ain’t that the truth. I knew it was wonderful but didn’t know how much I would miss it. Needless to say it is taking a lot of adjusting.

The depression has been good. Only lasted a couple of days this month and it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past. I guess that is something to put in the good column.

Man I Feel Old Today

I’m only 46 but today is my daughter’s 30th birthday and it’s making me feel so much older.

My mood has been pretty steady. I had a couple of days of depression but I accidently missed a dose of my pills so I think that is to blame.

I am still spending a great deal of time cooking, cleaning and hanging out on the computer. I am also trying to get in at least a mile a day, the exercise seems to also be helping with the mood. I don’t know if it’s chemicals or because I am accomplishing something.

I’m down 28 pounds now! I am only creating goals of 5 pounds at a time so that I don’t get overwhelmed, at least the scale is finally going in the correct direction.

I am thinking of applying for a work from home job. I think it would be good for me to do something with my time and bring in a little money as well.

Time for me to make more positive changes.

Interesting Depression

This was the shortest period a depression has ever lasted. 3 days, that was it and then I went back to feeling normal.

However I am missing something. My creativity and want to create is next to nil. I want to do other things and I am cleaning the house so it is not a lack of motivation. I think my meds are messing with that part of my brain. If they are I have issue with that. Is being able to paint and write worth months of depression, well no. Yet I still would like to be able to do those things.

I am starting a painting tomorrow for my BFF. I hope that I can create something as beautiful as she is… We shall see..

Despite Being Depressed

I am getting out of bed and not just sitting there in regret and despair. I want to, don’t get me wrong but I’m not going to let myself do that to me. Know what I mean?

I’m writing my blog which is something that I haven’t felt motivated to do. I’m getting dressed instead of sitting around in my jammies all day. I’m still cooking meals every day and working on my weight loss. I’m getting involved in things to do with hubby. I am just not letting the depression control me. At least not completely.

I am sleeping until almost noon every day because I’d rather be in a dream world than the real world. I’m working on it though. I hope to be getting back up at 10am soon. Hopefully.

A Little Depressed

Today I woke up a little depressed. Saturday night I missed my Latuda by mistake and I think that has a lot to do with it.  It’s amazing how missing one pill can make you feel completely sad and unmotivated.

I don’t even want to do anything fun.

Hubby and I are watching Dare Devil on Netflix. We binged watched the first 12 episodes and will be watching the last one tonight. It’s pretty good from our point of view. We stayed up until almost 4 in the morning Saturday watching it. I think that might have a lot to do with it as well.

I didn’t wake up until noon today. I could just as easily crawl back into bed too. I thought 11:00am was really pushing it but noon is really gonna mess me up. I suppose I should listen to my shrink and start setting an alarm and getting up to try and enjoy the day.

We’ll see…

Shrinks and Spit Tests.

So I went to my shrinks this week and found out some interesting things from the spit test dna thing they did. Apparently I will respond well to most medications. (like not have a really diverse reaction) I am really low on folic acid and I also keep benzo’s in my system a lot longer than most people. Was it worth it? I guess I will find out.

She wants me to start taking fast absorbing folic acid but it wasn’t covered by insurance and it was 145 bucks, that is way to much for a monthly pill. So I am going to see if I can maybe take the over the counter kind that takes a little longer to get into your system.

I’ve been having a lot of fun playing Final Fantasy with my husband. I’ve been in a pretty good place except for one low peak the day after my FIL left.

I’m keeping on top of the house, keeping it clean. Making dinner almost every night and my weight loss is going really well so far. I may need to go a little lower in calories or carbs should it stall but right now it works. I am still trying to walk at least a mile every day. I have a hard time sitting still anyhow. I’m looking forward to riding our bikes!

It’s weird to be looking forward to things… really weird.