I’m really too tired to come up with a great blog post. I go to my ECT consultation tomorrow and I am nervous and excited.
The weekend was nice the first night we slept close to 10 hours, last night I barely got 4 though.. There was thunder storms and I was terrified.
Anyhow off to bed, will be more writey tomorrow.
Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.
Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.
Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.
Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.
Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!
Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!
I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.
I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.
I’m over sensitive I am crying at the drop of the hat and I don’t feel like posting.
Turns out I missed a call from the ECT people yesterday and now I have to wait until Monday.. So fucking frustrated don’t even want to post..
I mean fuck!
I’m depressed, I’m stressed and I’m fucking impatient. Stupid.
I did take some cute pics today though, I had moments of happiness.. just me and hubby being silly in nature.
Things were better today though I am a bundle of hyped up emotions. I managed to make it through most of the day without completely freaking out. Mostly anyhow.
Hubby and I went to for a two mile walk at this man made lake that was really nice. Neither of us were dressed for it and we got super hot! Afterwards we sent shopping at Target.
I don’t know what came over me, I ended up buying a bunch of stuff that I really didn’t need, then felt horribly guilty about. This caused me to be tense and when hubby said something like when I get stressed out I get controlling, I try to control the thing that I am stressed out about. This made me yell then cry but ultimately he is correct.
I am trying to relax and just enjoy the good things but it is so hard for me. Ugh.
I am trying to eat healthier, I am losing weight, we are getting a home, we are going to have a wonderful life, I a, getting ECT. Things are good. Good dammit.
This morning my mother in law suggests that we go to this place called egg and I for breakfast. It was ok, nothing spectacular. I had to send my orange juice back because there was shit stuck on the outside, like old egg or something.
Then we took her out to see the lot we bought and we toured the model again. We drove around the town checking out an outlet mall, a car show and the towns days. Like a mini fair.
After that I went to pier one and I was giddy, I didn’t buy anything but I swear that thinking about decorating made my panties wet. Ha!
After that e went to lunch, mom in law was starting to get crabby and brought my mood down, so I drank a tall beer and we got our food to go, eating them promptly falling into a deep nap.
It was nice to have a very busy day and not think. I think that is what I really need to do because if I ha to much time to myself I get sick and depressed.
Plus I want to keep on my new diet that I started. I don’t want surgery unless it is really necessary, I think I can do it myself. I hope. Trying to think more positively.
My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.
When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.
I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.
Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!
I still am not feeling great and I am starting to experience some anxiety. It had mostly taken a backseat the last few months but it hit me today whilst in a Arby’s.
I did what anyone does hen stricken with the urge to run and that was suggest that we sit down and eat as opposed to eating in the car.
It was really hard but I stayed the whole meal.
I am stressed about going to the therapist tomorrow, I am not sure if it is because of having my mom in law take me, the actual appointment or because we are signing the contract for the house this weekend.
I am also starting back on a low carb diet. This might also be adding to things. I would like a nice weekend alone with my husband with no intruptions, no stress and lots of sex. Did I mention we haven’t had sex since we got here. Not great for the whole feeling close thing.
It’s gonna get better right?
This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.
I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.
It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.
OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.
Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.
I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.
Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.
I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.
Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.
I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.
I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.
I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.
Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.
I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?
4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.
A Bipolars Reality 