The title sounds like something you would have to write for school after the holidays. Yet I got some lovely pictures yesterday and wanted to share them with you all. My mood today is ok. I didn’t take my medications last night after drinking. I didn’t want to risk my health. I don’t think I am going to be drinking anymore, it seems really irresponsible. Even if it does help with the anxiety, it’s not a permanent solution.
Anyhow, here are the pics.
Surprisingly Today has been wonderful. We woke up and had bacon and eggs for breakfast made by MIL and then we relaxed. Hubby and I walked through Schram Park and I took some pictures with my new camera. Did I mention I got a new camera? lol
Dinner was lovely a prime rib and baked potatoes which was absolutely delicious and we played some games. I had a couple glasses of wine but not enough to get drunk. Just enough to be calm.
Today the sun was up and the temperature was 50 degrees. I got some gorgeous sunset pictures, but I’ll post pictures tomorrow when I have some time. Tonight I’m just gonna chill.
So Merry Christmas to everyone. I hope you are celebrating your holidays in the best mood possibly.
I woke up this morning and the feeling of overwhelming stress hit me. It’s that holiday feeling. Not that good one but one of panic!
There will be 4 children and 5 adults here later tonight and I am planning on not drinking and just trying to deal with everything. At least I was but as the hours pass and it is getting closer to everyone being here I am thinking about just a couple relaxing bottles of wine to help me relax.. err glasses wow think there was something going on in my brain there.. Like it will take 2 bottles of wine to relax. hahaha.. I’m funny sometimes.
Christmas won’t be that bad because it will be all adults. There is the opening of presents which I am embarrassed by. I never know if I react properly .. lots of stress.
Needless to say it will be tough couple of days, then we mix and repeat new year’s eve. I can make it through it though. I may have anxiety attacks and I may feel like running, but I can do this. It’s something normal family’s do.
Anyhow I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, see you tomorrow!
When I am by myself I often ponder how I am feeling. I know lonely is something I feel a lot of the time. Though I try to talk to people online during the day to give myself a break from it.
Yet I never truly understand how I am feeling until I interact face to face.
This is the first day I have been alone for a few days and after tomorrow I won’t be alone for 11 days. Hubby will be here, mom’s husband will be here and so will my FIL, so there will be a lot of interaction and I’ll know from the beginning how I will feel. Due to FIL and mom’s hubby I am assuming I am going to be annoyed. They both love to take over the TV and put on nothing but shit. ugh..
I plan on drinking Christmas and New Year’s Eve to help deal with the social annoyance. It’s less painful than trying to bury those feelings for close to two weeks.
Though I am so happy that hubby will be home so long and he will be a good person to measure how I actually feel as opposed to trying to guess and hoping my medication increase is working on the depression. I know if it is then I can start working on trying to find a mood stabilizer to stop the constant mood swings. I’m what you call a rapid cycler which makes me bipolar 1.
Do you know how you are feeling when you are by yourself or do you just go through motions?
Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.
Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.
This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.
Wish me luck!
Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.
“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”
I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.
My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.
Argh.
As I’ve said in previous posts I often have a lot of depression and anxiety during the holidays. So far this year has been a little easier than most others. I’m not sure if it is medication or family or learning to accept the way things are.
My mood has pretty good today. Two in a row, that’s certainly something. I am not sure if the medication is working already or I’m just being lucky. I do consider 2 days in a row lucky regardless. I usually have many days in a row of depression then 1-5 days of mania with one or two hypo-manic days.
I love the hypo-manic days as it gives me a chance to catch up on all the stuff I get behind on when I am depressed.
I am really hoping that these holidays are better than they have been in the past and that going forward my meds work to get rid of the depression that is lurking just outside of my vision.
Today my husband came home early after a day of throwing up at work. Poor baby. It’s impossible for me to care for him since there is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating. I want him to feel better.
My mood is right in the middle. I’m actually not feeling that well myself, I have a feeling the stomach bug is making it’s rounds again. Yay. It’s hard to tell if it is my mood or circumstance. That’s the funny things with moods.
Makes for a not in the mood to do anything even write my blog kind of thing. It’s even more important to write those days I think. This is good reinforced behaviour. I am still thinking about what I am gonna start as a year long habit come nerw years. Like a resolution but something that sticks. haha.
I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.
Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.
BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.
Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.
I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.
Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.
Yesterday I was in a really great mood. I was happy and wanted to continue this mood, it was making me look forward to the holidays in my little prison here. Yet that had to change.
Last night the voice finale was on as was the finale for ink master. We watched the first hour of the voice then switched over to tattoo nightmare. Everyone was ok with this. Near the end of the hour MIL got impatient and went upstairs to find out the voice winner then came down and told us who it was.. let’s put it this way never watching that show again..
Anyhoo.. the news came on after all this shit and i asked if anyone was going to watch the news since I’ve been advised by my therapist to not watch it as it really affects my moods. Normally we just don’t so I was hoping I could put on something happier. Then I am sure just to be a bitch went, ya I’m watching it.
So I said fine I’m going to bed. I was hoping hubby would join me but he waited 30 mins which made my mind start to wander and become angrier and hate filled. I’m sure she heard me call her a fucking bitch through our door last night and I don’t care.
This is the only TV I can watch actual televsion on, she has one in her room that is hooked up to cable. If she didn’t want to watch ink master she could have said something.. she didn’t have to be a fucking snot..
anyhow, today my mood is still pissy. I feel like she ruined my happy and am not sure how to get it back causwe I just want to slap her in the face and say stop being so fucking selfish all the time.. ugh.
I mean she is like this with everything, she gave us every single thing we had around the house to stuff into the room, cause she doesn’t like sharing her space. We’re like prisoners that are allowed out to watch tv occasionally. it’s painful.
AUGH!
A Bipolars Reality 