Still Up But Down

Sick sucks. My mood is good. I am in the mental arena of being able to do anything pretty much. This cold has me laid out like well I can’t think of anything creative. Just sick as hell and unable to do anything. Can’t even think. My nose is so plugged I can barely breathe and my throat is so sore swallowing totally sucks.

A good thing that happened is that we now have part of the garage and a basement framing done. It’s awesome! Finally seeing some work done to the house has risen my spirits. I’m excited again. That is nice.

Anyhow gonna go back to bed and rest some more. I want to feel well enough to go the lot on Friday!

Better Mood, Worse Cold

This morning I woke up and something was different. I was in a better mood. I wanted to go and look at our lot. Last night I was pissy and didn’t want to go and when I got there and there was no change I was furious. Tonight they had done a little work and I didn’t immediately have a panic attack about not getting into our house in Feb.

I know that it is chemical. I know that it is also stress that is forcing me to be so moody. I have a lot to be stressed out about. I am stressed about the mom in law moving in with us after we get our home. I know I am going to be very protective of my home. I am also looking forward time alone with my husband.

I can’t wait until the 16th, it’s our 13th wedding anniversary. We are going out to dinner and then going to a hotel for the night. Alone time in a clean place. It will be awesome.

I’m tired of being where I am. I wrote down 1-20 on a white board so I can erase the weeks as we go along to count the time to get into our home. The day we close, we are going to be sleeping on the floor. I want out that badly.

As you can see it is bothering me a lot lately and there is nothing I can do about it at all. ugh.

Now I”m Sick

On top of the emotional turmoil of the last few days I am now sick. I have another damn cold or the flu. Overnight I developed a sore throat, stuffy nose and I am sure that it is only going to get worse as I am developing a fricken headache as I write this.

A normal non happening day would be very welcomed. I’m not gonna write much because I really feel like crap.

On an emotional level I am pretty level though. Not sad which is good. Not happy but just even..

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

Getting Drunk Didn’t Help

While last night seemed like a great idea. I’m lucky I didnt wake up with a hangover. I am still bitchy and touchy and all it did was grant me a small reprieve from the stresses of everyday life.

Having all the nephews and niece over reinforced the fact that I dont really dig kids and glad hubby and I stuck to dogs. The can be a pain but you can leave them on their own and they dont talk.

I know I am supposed to socialize more but I think it is going to be hard to find people who feel similar to me.

They still haven’t started the framing on the house and it is driving me bananas.

I’m just generally pissed and frustrated with everything.

Writing Drunk

I did something I’ve needed to do for a while. I got stinking drunk. The positive thing is that I am finally relaxed. The bad thing is that I might have a hangover for our fall walk tomorrow.

I don’t really care though because for the first time in a while I don’t really care.

I’m not gonna write much, I am gonna sit down and eat some dill pickle or salt’n vinegar chips and chill. I won’t worry about things right now. Except for the factI got stuck with these kids while Jim and my mother in law went to the store. WTF seriously… I am not great with kids and they make me want to shoot myself a little..

Welp back to reality. I think I need another glass of wine to deal.. ciao

 

Find Calm

I’m obviously pretty stressed out. Having a home built. Living with my mother in law. Those are just a few of the things in my hefty load of stress.

My therapist said that I need to find something to de-stress myself. It’s hard. I have some games to play, i can paint and I like to play this thing called star something or other, it’s a karaoke game.I like singing, but then it makes me feel bad cause while I can get 3 stars on a lot of songs, I know I am not very good and it records you visually and audibly and it brings back those feelings of self-hate that I am trying so hard to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like my insides are going to melt into acidic mush if I don’t find find something to do. I just wish I had the will, or the positive feels I were feeling last week. Some motivation would be nice but I’m tired and I’m stressed and I just don’t want to bother.

I even had a panic attack today at my therapy session. It sucked balls. This was after a xanax and a clonazepam. Ya I’m stressed.

So Fucking Manically Annoyed

Today I am so annoyed and not positive feeling. I dont want to do positive things. I want to yell and scream and possibly punch someone on the neck.

I don’t want to work on my diet. I dont want to be friendly and conversational. I dont want to carve my pumpkins and I dont want to fucking shower.

 

Being a rapid cycler is horrible.

Fuck….

Big Ass Hole

that’s not like someone is a big asshole, not a typo. There is a big ass hole dug in the front of our new yard and fence posts in the back, which means we wont have to pay for about 500 dollars worth of a 7k-8k we’ll have to pay for a fence. Surrounding 3/4 of an acre aint cheap.

I’d love to know what the hole in the front yard is there for. We couldnt get any answers and last night having had the concrete put down, I am just looking forward to the framing to go up.

I woke up sad today, dunno why and I’ve been a little lax on the exercising, I am just not feeling very motivated. Also buying 24 of those bars was a mistake, I ate 3 of them today. I did buy them before deciding to diet but having them here makes it so hard. I also dont want to share them with anyone. I’m a little piggy *oink, oink*

Not happy with myself today at all.

Ce-ment Pond

I was thrilled when we went out to visit the foundation today. They had our porch, garage and basement were all poured and the men were making it all smooth and cool.

Mom seems insecure about buying her home now. It makes me wonder if she is going to go through with her. I honestly worry that maybe our wanting her there has pushed her into doing something she isnt ready for.

Hubby is going to talk to her to make sure she doesnt lose too much money if she feels she would rather stay here in the house on the lake.

I just want her to be happy and we live close enough that holidays and visits arent a big deal.

I am happy right now. I cheated a little on my diet today but I got a candy bar that is only available in Canada and I am going to enjoy it! Plus I’ve lost 2.6 pounds. Go me!