Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….

La La La Fall

Today we went into the woods for a walk so I could take more pictures and we ended up walking over 2 miles and it’s only 3:18pm so I’ve already more than passed my gial of daily step for the day. Yay!

I took some pictures which I thought I would share with you instead of babbling on today.  Enjoy!

Time To Stop Being Afraid

I am always afraid of death. It haunts me. Yet I’ve had physicals, ekg’s and even genetic testing. I ‘should’ live to a decent age. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid and time to start living?

I want to enjoy my life. I want to explore the world, even if it is the small world that I live in. I want to try new things and stop living in fear of my anxiety. I am going to the haunted house on Monday night and I am going to invite my husband to a movie this weekend.

I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to enjoy the life I have and if something happens. I will deal with it.

Girl Next Door

So Mom got the lot next door. What seemed was impossible might actually be possible. I’m trying to keep a positive outlook.

I didnt hasve therapy appts today but I ended up spending our entire day out of the house. Eating out but keeping on diet. So proud of myself, it’s so hard.

Shopping at Bath and Body, I’m such a girly girl. I got a full collection of Japanese Cherry Blossom which is my favorite tree. I would love to grow one!

Mom signed the papers to hold the lot next to our and now she has to put her house up for sale. It will be complicated but it will be wonderful once we move into our own home and mom moves in next door.

I’m mostly tired and cant think of much to write about.  Tomorrow will be better. I plan on painting and might have something to post.

Trying To Love Myself

I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.

I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?

Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.

I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.

Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.

An Award.. I’m So Flattered

onelovelyblogaward

I Am My Own Island nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award. Thank you so much. It makes me feel like my blog is worth writing and very honored.

Here are the rules:

Thank and link back to the person who nominated you
List the rules and display the award
Include seven facts about yourself
Nominate 10-15 other bloggers and let them know about the award by commenting on their blog
Follow the blogger who nominated you (if not already!)

Seven things about myself is hard to do. I never not share anything. Here I go.
1) I love movies that make me cry. Especially cartoons.
2) I am too quick to judge but that is actually changing.
3) Halloween is my favorite holiday.
4) I’m naturally blonde but my hair hasn’t been just blonde in at least 4 years.
5) I want to learn how to play guitar and sing.
6) I’m the oldest silbling of 5.
7) Even though I have social anxiety. I often act silly in public because it makes me feel better.

10 Blogs I am nominating are:
1)Kitt O’Malley
2)Birth of a New Brain
3)Struggles of A Bipolar Woman
4)Don’t Cross My Borderline
5)Uneven Jenn
6)Bipolar in Bloom
7)Having A Life Again
8)Bipolar on Fire
9)BP Nurse
10)Lazymoan

Sexual Frustration

So hubby asnd I are going to do the thing natures likes us all to do since we have the house to ourselves and bam! in walks the mother in law yelling is anybody home? Hello? Hello?

Well the fucking car is in the driveway lady obviously we are home.

I’m pissed! We rarely have sex and I’m rarely in the mood for it and it is ruined.. fuck fuck fuckity fuck..

No fuck..

A FitBit Day

Today I decided to get a fitbit. It’s a little pedometer that does a few other things I havent figured it out.

I’ve decided that I am going to start working on getting in shape. I was going to wait until we moved into our home late Feb early March and I was using that as an excuse to keep eating crap all the time and drinking tons of soda and not bothering to exercise.

That’s about to change. That walk we took through the woods showed me that life could really be different if I was healthier. Not only would I be able to do more things but I would feel better about myself.

So the first thing I am going to do is stop drinking soda and caffeine. I am gonna try and walk each day too, even if it is just circling to house, or doing one of those 15 minute miles. It’s time for this woman to change. I can always keep dreaming or I can make those dreams come true. Only I can make it happen. Time for that to start.

Fall Is Beautiful

Today my husband and I went and explored some woods near the new house. It’s a national forest called Schramm. It’s really quite lovely and I took some really good pictures. I’ll add them to this post later, I have to move them all over the place to get them on here since I didn’t take them with my iPad.

We talked a lot and ended up walking for 3 fricken miles. I am really sore. I’m not sure how much pain I am gonna be tomorrow but I am in some now. It was totally worth it. Even if I have to stay on the couch all day it was worth it.

I need to exercise more. I realize that I moved to a part of the country where being a larger gal is accepted much easier but I don’t want to be this way anymore. Life is short and I want to live it with energy and verve!

Got lots of vitamin D today from MR. Sun. Also hubby is trying to make it so that I can play my games on her computer. Cross your fingers it will give me something to do with my time.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.