Day One – Already Annoyed

Well imagine a hypo-manic person talking who isn’t you when you just have 3 long days of driving. Plus they aren’t really hypo-manic but just wont stop talking.  Then you 10 pound yorkie attacks a fricken over weight border collie. Seriously off to a fun start.

Only 2 months 30+ days to go. I know I should be grateful that I am staying here at the mom-in-laws but it is already overwhelming and for some unknown reason she decided it would be a great week next week to have Jim’s aunt and husband, jims father and his sister with the four kids and ex hubby over. My god, I don’t think that is enough to drink in the world.

Going from being exposed to basically one person on a day to day basis to staying in a house with 4 other adults seems so scary. I don’t feel like I am going to have anywhere to hide.

Speaking of hiding my dear husband is doing a wonderful job of doing just that.

I feel like I have no where to turn and have to either stay in the bedroom with my husband or be polite because the man has no fricken manners. I am kind of pissed at him right now can you tell.

I’m just pissed in general I don’t know what to do with myself. I can just feel the anger building.  I feel like the hulk. Colleen SMASH!

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

I’m Here, I’m Tired

gonna just post some pictures tonight then will get back to regular posting tomorrow. sense a theme?

nebraska
colorado
utah

Golden Colorado

I’m here at a hotel in Golden Colorado just a few miles from Denver. Can’t wait to get to Omaha tomorrow!  This place is not really that great and the wifi is slow as fuck but at least I am posting right 😀 on a positive note I’ve gotten a ton of gorgeous window shots and hopefully some of them will be worthy of posting on my other blog.

its actually pretty nice here just the actual hotel is kind of scary, but the woods and mountains are really nice.

the drive was hard but we made it and I’m still going. I’ll post more tomorrow after we land and I can get on my iPad or laptop to post writing on my phone is hard.

There’s No Place

Right now as they pack the last few things we own, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel not only sad but almost like a failure.

I failed to live in California. We have really enjoyed our time here the last few months. I am going to miss the weather and the ocean. I think I am almost going to miss the ocean more than anything else. I’ve never gone in it but loved to sit by its edge and watch the waves rolling in.

I suppose once we get to Omaha I will find something new to do but for today I am sad. I won’t miss this fucking apartment though that’s for sure 😛

Well gotta go, we’re off to Utah!

 

Last Day Til October

This will be my last blog written on my computer until we buy a house which will be October. We want to be in by Halloween as it is my favorite holiday and I want to be able to decorate. Almost all of our stuff is going into storage until then.

I won’t stop posting but I will be using my IPad or my laptop to write on moving forward so most of the posts are not likely to be perfectly edited. While on the road the next few days I will likely be making very short posts, we want to get to Omaha as soon as possible so it will be post, sleep, drive, mix, repeat.

I am  super stressed out today. In fact as I write this I am having a lot of dissociative feelings. I feel like my head is under the sea.. Everything just doesn’t feel right. I hate that, but what are you going to do right? I’ve taken my antianxiety meds and am mostly just trying not to curl up. It’s my natural reaction. My body shuts down and wants to go to sleep to avoid everything.

Not really something I can do though. The movers will be here in a little over 12 hours and then we will be on the road for 6-8 hours then 2 more days of 8-10 hours, something like that. I takes a while to drive there and there looks like there is going to be weather.. Scary.. fucking weather. I miss it but not the scary stuff, I just hope we are safe. I want to get Omaha with as little stress as possible.

Wish me luck ..

Good Things

likeable-blog-500-1xFirst off thank you for this. 500 Likes is rather amazing.  It makes me feel that I am not only writing how I feel but others can relate. Plus today is my 160th post. WoW!

 

 

 

 

Second off my Bestie suggested that I think about the positive things that are coming from the move to help with my stress.

So in list form though in no particular order.

 

 

  • I will be able to experience weather again
  • I am not embarrassed to go out and do things
  • I have family
  • I am moving closer to my BFF
  • I am going to be buying a home
  • I get to have another puppy
  • I get to travel through some beautiful places
  • I get to go to a place that feels like home.

 

Okay that is some positive. A lot actually. I am looking forward to the move and I think that it’s just the stress of change that so effects us bipolars that is hitting me. My husband has been wonderful and supportive trying to alleviate as much stress as possible. My BFF has been there for me even though she has been having some stress and depression of her own. I have a wonderful support system here on wordpress as well. much love.

 

Fighting Anxiety

Today has been really hard and I have to admit I’ve been dipping into my anti anxiety meds to function.
My wonderful husband gave me a back rub and watched tv with me in the bedroom. He’s being very supportive. Yet he still said something that made me want to slap him hard.
Stop being stressed. Seriously stop being stressed? Omg is it really that easy. Here I go … Fuck you.

I just evil- eyed him and said seriously? I wouldn’t be stressed if I could just stop.

I’m fighting not going to to the closet and curling up in fetal position. I don’t even know why I am so stressed. I’ve driven across country before. I’ve lived in Omaha before.

It’s actually a really great thing that is happening but I am still freaking out.

I hate my brain pretty much every day.

Stress and Hate

4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.

I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.

I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.

I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh

I’m Seriously Tired

It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.

The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.

I just want to curl up and die. Ugh

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.

fight1

Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.