BFF

How The Trip Goes So Far

I told you that we got here but I didn’t tell you what the drive was like. It was scary, then boring, then scary again.

Nebraska got hit by a snow storm and for some reason even though it was really the first snow of the year, they were not sanding or plowing the streets very well. It was pretty terrifying seeing all the cars that had flown off the road, even 16 wheeler’s were jackknifed in the middle separating the highways.

Kansas was not nearly as bad, there was some icky roads but you could tell from looking around they didn’t get hit as hard as Nebraska and they were taking much better care of their roads.

One we hit Oklahoma it was a lot easier.. No snow and the roads were dry. I still have yet to get used to the speed people drive though. We were really flying at around 70mph the whole time.

Once we hit Texas it was scary again as these people are nuts, bobbing and weaving their cars all over the place. I didn’t know if we would make it to our hotel without getting in an accident and luckily we made it here with no issues.

Friday we get to do it all in reverse. That should be interesting.

Not seeing the house this week will be hard but we are getting so close to being able to close, less then 4 weeks now!

My BFF is coming to visit me, I am writing this as I wait for her to come over, I’m nervous that I won’t be interesting enough. Even though we have shared everything over the years I am feeling a little shy. I am sure it will be okay, it’s Vanyla and Kitenn after all 😀

Mood is good!

Traveling Tomorrow

So tomorrow we start our 9-10 hour drive to Dallas.

The good news is that I love road trips.  I love to see new places and my anxiety doesn’t always hinder me. In fact sometimes I am even more relaxed because I don’t feel the pressuresIdo where I live. The only thing I am really nervous about is meeting my best face-to-face.

The bad news is we got 6 inches of standing snow. We have to leave for the airport to pick up our rental car and our back wheels have no tread. We’ll likely have to ask MIL to take us and then we will need her to pick us up as well. She hates driving on the freeway/highway so I’m not sure she can even do it.

We have zero choice in going, so it should be an interesting morning tomorrow. As long as we’re safe I’m good, but I have a feeling that I am going to be holding onto the door handle with white knuckles for the first part of the trip.

I’m still looking forward to it though.

A Full Year

Well today I have officially been writing my blog every day for a year!! WOOT!!

I didn’t think I could ever do anything for this long and I plan to keep doing a daily post. I just won’t feel guilty if I miss a day or two when  I move into our home.

My mood today is kind of meh. I seem to be stuck here. I didn’t really accomplish anything yesterday and today I am aching all over. I have a feeling I am getting a cold again!

I get to visit with my BFF when I go to Dallas, it will be the first time we meet face to face. I’m excited and nervous about it.  We’ve known eachother about 12 years now so I don’t know why I am afraid of.

I’ll be spending most of my time alone in a hotel room but at least I get to sleep with hubby instead of being by myself for 4 nights. Plus I love a road trip, over 9 hours driving to get there and another 9ish hours back. Bonus.

Fidget, Fidget

Today my mood is better which is a good thing because I am so fucking bored. I am beginning to wish that I drove. There is nothing to walk to near way I am. It’s like the middle of no where. The lake is pretty but it’s frozen and I don’t know how to skate.

When we get into our house there are a few things in biking distance and a lot more thing being built that I will be able to walk to. Plus I’ll have my stuff so I won’t be bored to death. I’ve been drawing a little but I really want to paint. I’m tired of not having access or ability to do the things that bring me happiness.

It’s day in and day out of TV. I can’t even seem to get into reading. The floor is disgusting so I can’t do yoga. ARGHHH!
At least being pissed because I’m bored is better than being pissed for no reason.

Again this is also really lonely. I’ve been talking to hubby on AIM, tried to get a hold of my BFF but she has a lot going on in her life so I only get to talk to her a bit here and there. I’m just glad she is in my life. Wish we lived closer.

She reminds me that life is worth living, even if you are bored senseless.

I Want Beef

it’s crazy, I’m constantly starving and all I want is beef. I am not sure what is up with it. I don’t want steaks or stew meat just ground meat, burgers.. I dunno whats going on, I usually get cravings like this for sugary stuff or even carbs not meat though.

Gonna just go with the flow though.

I got to talk with my BFF tonight and it felt good. I’ve missed just chatting with her. It hurts that I can’t help with her pain but I’m so glad she is in my life. I can’t believe I acted like such a shit out of fear. I love her.

My mood has been mostly bored and hungry today, so I’m gonna go cook up some meat and see if it takes care of the craving, I’ll keep trying til it stops.

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.

 

It’s Hard To Be A Friend

As you know I often complain of being lonely. I have no clue how to make new friends and I am pretty anti-social. I have two people I would consider friends. My husband and My BFF Dani. We don’t talk as much as a lot of friends. We are both bipolar and have always just disappeared and reappeared in one another’s lives. That was ok with me.

I was often afraid to reach out even though she is always supportive and tells me the truth as opposed to what I want to hear. She is the only person that I allow to speak to me this way. I love her very much. Yet I am a horrible friend. She is going through some very big stuff and I’ve been wrapped up in my own stupid shit. My stuff really isn’t that important.

When we do talk she often asks about me and doesn’t give much info on herself and how she is doing. I find it frustrating and it makes me feel selfish.

My friend has cancer, I’m depressed. BFD on my end…

Needless to say I feel like a shitty friend.

Kindness? What to do with it?

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind and supportive. I really don’t know what to do Keith kindness but the blogosphere is full of such warm and compassionate people. I expected to hear nothing but how disappointed they were and only heard that from one person.

My BFF did not hold back in telling me that I had disappointed myself and sadly her a little.

For some reason she thinks I am super woman. She’s maded me promise to call her be next time I am stuggling so she can kick my ass and help me through it.

I admit I felt hurt and beaten up at the end of our talk. Yet this is how we are with one another, when everyone else is being kind, we are honest. I think that’s what makes us beat friends.

I’ve rescheduled for Monday afternoon. Let’s hope I make it this time. I hate to get my as reamed out again..

I’m still anxious but hopefully I can start getting my life back into living it…

Crappity Crap Crap

So today my husband was told that if we made it to Omaha in 3 days as opposed to taking our time, his work would pay for the move. This would mean that I would be unable to visit with the BFF until we are settled. It would also mean we might b able to buy a home sooner.

I have to admit I am very torn. It’s close to 5k. Yet I really want to see Vany, but we are moving closer. It would only be a 10 hour drive to visit in the future. Ugh I am so frustrated right now. I am going to talk to her about it and we how she feels. Hubby wants to be happy and will go with whatever I decide.

I am still quite bitchy and this is not helping at all. It’s made me feel all stressed out. I hates stress, what are you gonna do though. Either way I will be home soon. Yay home.

Sometimes I miss being medicated.