depression

The Miracle of Life

Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days.  It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.

Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.

I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.

Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.

I Hater Being Alone

Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.

We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!

My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.

I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful as she is a wonderful person.

I Hate Emotions

Before my emotions were all really straight forward and I knew what the cause of them typically was. Now I’m not sure how I’m feeling sometimes or what is causing whatever feelings I am having.

I’ve felt very unmotivated the past several days. Right now I am fighting the urge to just go to bed and dream my life away. I’m so restless. Am I depressed? I don’t know. I know I’m not entirely happy but I also don’t feel super bad. I just feel kind of blah.

It really was easier before the meds started fixing all my bipolar shit..

Folic Acid

I thought folic acid was something that just pregnant women needed. However when my shrink did the saliva test it turned out I was low. Apparently the over the counter stuff isn’t what I need either so when I tried to get my script filled they wanted to charge me a whopping 165 dollars. I said nu-uh and waited until I saw my shrink this week. She gave me a month worth of samples to see if it actually helps. We’ll go from there in a month.

My mood has been pretty good. Like I said before I am feeling pretty normal. Which is kind of a bummer but good at the same time. My shrink is happy with my improvement.

I miss my hypomania so much though. What’s the saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Yep ain’t that the truth. I knew it was wonderful but didn’t know how much I would miss it. Needless to say it is taking a lot of adjusting.

The depression has been good. Only lasted a couple of days this month and it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past. I guess that is something to put in the good column.

Man I Feel Old Today

I’m only 46 but today is my daughter’s 30th birthday and it’s making me feel so much older.

My mood has been pretty steady. I had a couple of days of depression but I accidently missed a dose of my pills so I think that is to blame.

I am still spending a great deal of time cooking, cleaning and hanging out on the computer. I am also trying to get in at least a mile a day, the exercise seems to also be helping with the mood. I don’t know if it’s chemicals or because I am accomplishing something.

I’m down 28 pounds now! I am only creating goals of 5 pounds at a time so that I don’t get overwhelmed, at least the scale is finally going in the correct direction.

I am thinking of applying for a work from home job. I think it would be good for me to do something with my time and bring in a little money as well.

Time for me to make more positive changes.

Interesting Depression

This was the shortest period a depression has ever lasted. 3 days, that was it and then I went back to feeling normal.

However I am missing something. My creativity and want to create is next to nil. I want to do other things and I am cleaning the house so it is not a lack of motivation. I think my meds are messing with that part of my brain. If they are I have issue with that. Is being able to paint and write worth months of depression, well no. Yet I still would like to be able to do those things.

I am starting a painting tomorrow for my BFF. I hope that I can create something as beautiful as she is… We shall see..

Despite Being Depressed

I am getting out of bed and not just sitting there in regret and despair. I want to, don’t get me wrong but I’m not going to let myself do that to me. Know what I mean?

I’m writing my blog which is something that I haven’t felt motivated to do. I’m getting dressed instead of sitting around in my jammies all day. I’m still cooking meals every day and working on my weight loss. I’m getting involved in things to do with hubby. I am just not letting the depression control me. At least not completely.

I am sleeping until almost noon every day because I’d rather be in a dream world than the real world. I’m working on it though. I hope to be getting back up at 10am soon. Hopefully.

A Little Depressed

Today I woke up a little depressed. Saturday night I missed my Latuda by mistake and I think that has a lot to do with it.  It’s amazing how missing one pill can make you feel completely sad and unmotivated.

I don’t even want to do anything fun.

Hubby and I are watching Dare Devil on Netflix. We binged watched the first 12 episodes and will be watching the last one tonight. It’s pretty good from our point of view. We stayed up until almost 4 in the morning Saturday watching it. I think that might have a lot to do with it as well.

I didn’t wake up until noon today. I could just as easily crawl back into bed too. I thought 11:00am was really pushing it but noon is really gonna mess me up. I suppose I should listen to my shrink and start setting an alarm and getting up to try and enjoy the day.

We’ll see…

Last Week Was Hard

As you know I had my father in law in town. He stayed with us for nine damn days! My husband had to work so I was stuck with him for each and every one of them, except weekends. It was difficult because it made my home feel weird. Plus hubby and me got little to no time alone.

This past weekend we had even more family time with a nephews birthday and Easter. It was all so over stimulating, I just want to curl up in bed today. I haven’t though, I still got up and did some housework and ate.

My mood managed to stay ok during it all, but today it is gloomy both outside and inside. I’m feeling kind of depressed and I wonder if my good cycle is coming to an end. Which would be super unfair to have it only last while I couldn’t be alone with hubby.

Fucking bipolar..

Too Much Going On

I hate being over stimulated and having a guest staying with me, always does exactly that.

My father in law was supposed to stay with us for a weekend is now staying with us for 9 days, maybe more I don’t know. He came into town for my sister in laws divorce and Easter. I now have to budget our meals differently. Watch TV shows I have no interest in and just generally not feel comfortable at all.  Plus my lower back is killing me from sitting on the couch all day. Tomorrow I clean. It is starting to make me feel depressed. Apparently this is a huge trigger.

Plus we had 4 people from my husbands work drop by for a tour of the house. That was really stressful, but now we might have a couple to hang with! So that’s something good that came out of all this.

On the plus side when I woke up this morning I was officially down 20 pounds! That makes me happy as hell. I have a lot more to go but I am going to celebrate all the losses. 20 pounds is a huge deal.

Except for the last couple days my mood has been better. I am trying not to get down but I can feel my joy slipping away as I slide further into this hell. I’m not getting to hang with hubby either.

I’m frustrated to say the least though. I don’t know what to do about it.