depression

I Saw A Possum

We decided to take the dogs for a walk this afternoon and Charlie got on the scent to something, pulling at the leash, while I am trying to get Ren to move at all.. All of a sudden I hear.. it’s a possum.. and it was! I’ve never seen one in a non-zoo environment before so I was interesting as we steered clear of the sharp pointy teeth.. It didn’t look pissed but I remembered hearing how nasty they could be..

Today I am in the mixed episode kind of place, sickenly happy then terribly sad and teary.. I hate this place.. I honestly should be just happy. My husband is being so wonderful. I did such a great job in Las Vegas and I’ve set my diet plans for Monday and I’ve decided I am going to write my book, even if I only do it for 15 minutes a day. I want to accomplish that in my life.

I don’t want to go back down again… I like being up here…  I’m scared

Sometimes I Amaze Myself

I felt that today was a really big accomplishment for me. I slept so horribly and woke up feeling poorly with some tummy issues. I was going to crawl back into bed and just give up. Instead I went out and ate at a restaurant, played some slot machines and walked probably another mile or so.

Got to see my mom in law and gave her the card telling her we were coming back to Omaha and she honestly screamed she was so excited. Makes a person feel loved. I’m tired and feel a little like puking but it was a good day all in all.

My hands were shaking pretty bad this morning I am assuming that it is because of the lamictal being gone.. I imagine tomorrow might be worse.

One last thing the damn Lithium makes everything taste like ass. It’s kind of pissing me off.

 

 

 

Here In Vegas!!

It was a lovely drive me and hubby sat and talked a little and listened to a wide variety of music. When he was busy driving I would just stare at his face, the way it’s changed. How wonderfully handsome I still think he is 13 years later and how lucky I am to have him. When we got here we took a walk towards the strip, neither of us are in that great of shape so we got about a mile and a half and then turned back to get some dinner! So far I am having a great time. There is a gigantic bathtub here, honestly delightful and dinner was marvelous. My mood has been mostly up today. I’ve had several self hate minutes but I talked to hubby about it and it helped a lot. Wish you were here!

Our Hotel

Our Hotel

Can I get a Wup Wup!

 

So despite all my fears about the way things would go, I ended up going to the new shrink.

Actually when I woke up this morning I had actually planned to not go. I was scared and I was tired and frankly I just didn’t want to deal with anything ya know?

Funnily enough though my best friend happened to be on AIM this morning and told me all these things I needed to get the courage to at least drive there. She is truly amazing. I wish we lived in the same state, I think we would be so good for one another.  Unless she comes to Omaha I know that will never happen so I realize that I am fortunate to have had a friend who actually gives and shit and doesn’t let me pull any of the stuff I do on hubby to get out of doing what I don’t want to. She always thinks I am stronger than I am. She see’s me in a whole different light then most people and when she said I could do it this morning. Well I couldn’t let her be wrong could I?

I decided to do something I have avoided until now. Even when they brought it up I tried to argue the point but after hearing some things about it I am going to be trying Lithium. I know there are a lot of bad things people say and I also know there are a lot of good things. Apparently even though it is the oldest Bipolar Drug, it is still the most successful.  On top of that I am going to be seeing an ECT doc and seeing how much they think it will help and hopefully in four weeks or so I’ll be going along that path.

It scares me but I have been saying no to this drug for years and I think it is time I finally gave it a shot. I think I might actually be pissed if the Lithium works cause that would mean I let one person’s reaction to it completely darken my opinion of it. I start tonight! I’ll be weaning myself off my Lamictal this week and staying on the Viibryd for now until the ETC guys and the lithium are in a place they are happy with. They want me to start seeing a therapist for my Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am glad that the doctors actually see what is there when I am not hiding behind a façade.

I’m proud of myself for a change.

*Now a quick rant which is not related to the above at all*

I always talk about how great my husband is. I tell this to well to everyone. He has problems just like everyone else. He’s a slob. He doesn’t like doing outdoorsy stuff. He can’t really fix things. He does stupid ass things that piss me off so much that I don’t even want to talk. Usually by pissed off I mean hurt. Today we got home from the doctors and I went to do something for a few minutes and I come back into the computer room and there’s this chick in a bikini on his screen. I am still not talking to him and it’s a couple hours later.  He knows how shitty I feel about myself. We have rules in the house because of it. Like no porn (that one he brought on himself). No looking at naked and scantily clad females or men, I don’t look either.

The fact we are not having sex at the moment really doesn’t help, it just makes me feel like if he does a little slip, won’t it be a big slip next? I’m probably overreacting but I’ll decide that when I am done being hurt and decide to talk to him about it.

*rant off*

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.  I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.  I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Funny Comic

http://www.threewordphrase.com/parkour.htm

Just this one in particular, seemed accurately funny.. You might not want to look at others if you are easily offended.

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

Something Wonderful Happened In My Bed!

No it’s not what you think you dirty minded people! LOL

The chemicals in my brain shifted, my world slightly tilted and when I woke up something strange had happened.

I was HAPPY! I know due to my recent almost 2 months of depressions (with slight 1 day breaks) it shocked me. I searched my mind in all the dark corners and came up with nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about. I almost forgot how good happy feels, I mean I always wish for it and romanticize it in my mind but when it finally happens it’s like the clouds open to reveal sunlight. The birds are constantly singing. I feel like a Disney character.

I do have the issue of what normally happens with my happiness. (Let’s be honest it’s hypomania). I even know that it won’t last long but as long as I am feeling it I am going to enjoy it. Now if my brain would just slow down long enough for me to pick something to do that would be amazing. If my mouth could slow down just a little when I talk, that would be awesome. I mean hubby can almost follow me when I am like this, thank goodness!

This is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to do too many things and I don’t really care. It’s the not caring that should worry me but at the moment I again don’t really care.

I’ve been laughing and humming and playing games and cooking and taking care of things. It just feels amazing to feel so damned good. I even like the way I look today, my hair seems perfectly tussled and my clothes looking great.. (This is how I know I am hypomanic) I want to go out in sexy clothes and have people look at me (in a good way).. That won’t happen though, hubby has an issue with my showing off my goods but you know what I am ok with it!

I think I might work on my writing at least while I can, and reading and oh my god I am soo excited.. Crazy excited and I love it!!! Sure makes the last couple of days where I was a complete bitch seem like a year ago.

*twirls with birds landing on my shoulder as I sing and dance about how wonderful things are*

YAY

It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?

 

Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh