Month: July 2014

Grumpy Pants

I am so damn bitchy. I got up and felt some energy and decided to clean some things but honestly this place is a huge fucking mess and it is really overwhelming.

I cleaned a few things my bitchy yorkies tried to attack me a few times and by then I was so flipping angry I could punch something cute.

Hubby came home and we went out to dinner to celebrate the good fortune we have been having but I just felt on edge as if waiting for the evil hammer of shiftiness to fall and got grumpier.

Sometimes I think I am just a bitch, I dunno maybe tomorrow will be better but for now I am gonna take some benedryl and try to slip into sleep so I can just stop trying to deal.

Fuck.

A Long Day

This morning my mother in law suggests that we go to this place called egg and I for breakfast. It was ok, nothing spectacular. I had to send my orange juice back because there was shit stuck on the outside, like old egg or something.

Then we took her out to see the lot we bought and we toured the model again. We drove around the town checking out an outlet mall, a car show and the towns days. Like a mini fair.

After that I went to pier one and I was giddy, I didn’t buy anything but I swear that thinking about decorating made my panties wet. Ha!

After that e went to lunch, mom in law was starting to get crabby and brought my mood down, so I drank a tall beer and we got our food to go, eating them promptly falling into a deep nap.

It was nice to have a very busy day and not think. I think that is what I really need to do because if I ha to much time to myself I get sick and depressed.

Plus I want to keep on my new diet that I started. I don’t want surgery unless it is really necessary, I think I can do it myself. I hope. Trying to think more positively.

Some Good Stuff

Today we went and signed the contract for our new home. I took some pictures of the model home we are getting a copy made of. The decor will be different but the layout will be the same. Enjoy the pics!

Stomach Bug

Last night I ended up puking my guts out. Maybe too much info but needless to say my physical feelings overtook my emotional ones quickly.

I’ve spent the entire day mostly just trying to chill out and keep what little food i put into me down. I didn’t have time to stress about signing the contract tomorrow and I’m not gonna do it now either.

My mom in law has fricken shingles. I hope she doesn’t pass that shit over to me because that would suck big hairy nutsacks.

I’m going to head to bed. Sorry I’m not writing a deeply in-depth post but i just need some sleep.

Not Sure What I’m Feeling

My therapy session was rally great. Honewtly I am so thrilled that my BFF found her for me. Plus the shrink in the office says it won’t be long before I will be able to start my ECT.

When I found that bit of news out I was more excited about it then th fact we are signing the contract for our house this weekend.

I also got some not so great news about someone I care for dearly. It’s really been an emotionally tumultuous day.

Currently I have no idea what I am feeling except itchy, fucking mosquitoes!

I’m Just Not Ok

I still am not feeling great and I am starting to experience some anxiety. It had mostly taken a backseat the last few months but it hit me today whilst in a Arby’s.

I did what anyone does hen stricken with the urge to run and that was suggest that we sit down and eat as opposed to eating in the car.

It was really hard but I stayed the whole meal.

I am stressed about going to the therapist tomorrow, I am not sure if it is because of having my mom in law take me, the actual appointment or because we are signing the contract for the house this weekend.

I am also starting back on a low carb diet. This might also be adding to things. I would like a nice weekend alone with my husband with no intruptions, no stress and lots of sex. Did I mention we haven’t had sex since we got here. Not great for the whole feeling close thing.

It’s gonna get better right?

Sick and Sad

I’m woke up crying and then spent the day in physical pain and stomach rolling illness. Is this because if the medication?

There are some theories that even being on the pills for a few days and quitting can make you ill, that sure does seem to be the case. Either way I am not much up to writing.

I did step out and got some hobby shit to do, hook rugs, paints, puzzles just things to keep my brain active on something besides itself.

I have no idea if they will help or if I will even attempt to do them. I guess we shall see. For now I am going to try and get some sleep so I can stop feeling like someone ran me over with an 18 wheeler.

Things Are Just Weird

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels kind of like a rally stupid movie that I am not rally a part of.

Things are not turning out like I had planned. We are in our third week here and all we’ve done is sort of pick things out for a house we are going to be moving into in 6-7 months time.

I thought come Halloween we would be settled into some cut little house with a fenced yard and be starting to decorate.

I’m glad we are having a house built for us, but at the same time I feel a lot of disconcerntment. I am used to a lot of time alone with my husband and now I get pretty much zero unless we leave the house or are in the bedroom.

I am even missing my computer at least then I would be distracted, maybe we can get them out of storage. I’ll ask Jim. Something’s got to give and I prefer it not be me.

I had to give up the beta blockers because apparently it was helping this depressive state get down right unbearable. Like depression is ever bearable but I could barely move last night or today. Right now I still want to curl up and hide.

I’m not going to though. At least not today. Tomorrow may be different, who knows.

It’s so hard to believe that I am looking forward to someone shocking my brain even at the risk of losing some potential memories just to not feel like this anymore. I can’t wait though. Time needs to move at a better pace.

Sad and Brain Blocked

I got nothing to write, I am sad. I can’t think of anything but the infinite span of sadness that envelops our world. I’ll do better tomorrow, until then here is a picture of me. At least it turned out nice.Moi

Why Can’t I Be Happy

I have no idea what is going on with me. We started picking out things for the house today. You know like layout and such. The more I did it the more miserable I got. I think it is a combination of being afraid to be happy and the reality of the fact I will be here for quite some time.

Anyhow I don’t feel like writing and I am just gonna go to bed. 😦