I don’t feel like writing, finding out my best friends cancer isn’t improving by reading her blog has put me in a foul mood and I can’t think of anything to say. My bipolarity and mood swings seem to be kind of trivial at the moment.
I see my shrink and therapist tomorrow, I’ll let ya know how it goes ……
It’s been storming here all day. Some places are getting up to 5 inches of rain. There are severe storm warnings, flood warnings and just a general sense of unease amongst the animals and myself.
I find it very difficult to sleep during a thunderstorm at night since I became aware that tornados can happen in the dark. For some reason I never thought they could. Yet they do, joy!
I do love the sound of rain though. It is relaxing and makes me think of romance. I’m not sure why. Though living with your MIL is not romantic at all.
I have been craving some romance, I wish that I knew how to teach hubby how to be romantic.
Falling rains, some wine, a fire with soft conversation. Just something simple..
Anyhow rain you can stay but don’t be brewing up any scary ass wstorms.
I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.
My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.
I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.
I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.
I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh
Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?
I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.
I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉
Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.
Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!
After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.
Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.
It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!
Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.
The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.
I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.
On Friday, September 5, 2014, Colleen Frazer wrote:
I realize that while I promised myself that I would write in my blog(on my blog?) every day for a year definitely isn’t easy.
Sometimes I have little to nothing to say and other times I run on and on.
I wish I wasn’t so snippy. One thing I noticed is that I have no tolerance for the little things Jim does that annoy me. It sucks because he is one of the most amazing men in the world. He shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!
I am so lucky to have him. He is the one thing that keeps me going everyday. Why am I being such a cranky bitch?
I was fine before I started back in fucking meds I was just sad all the time and honestly maybe that was better!
I got my hair done and I love the way it looks this picture doesn’t show just how vibrant the red is sadly, I’ll need to take another outsideÂ
 I’m happy I went through with it. I talked to my therapist which eased some of my stress but my shrink had to cancel due to a family emergency so it will be a week before I can deal with the pills. What’s one more week right. Just gotta keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward. Can’t be negative all the time.
I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.
I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.
I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.
One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.
This feels like prison!
Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.
I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.
I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.
I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.
There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.
I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?
Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.
A Bipolars Reality 