I’m feeling regret at harnessing myself to writing my blog every day. I know it is good for me though, so I will keep trying to do it.
I’m feeling regret at the fact that I can’t think of anything to say.
Today I am anxious.
I came, I conquered.
anxiety
Missing People
I haven’t been around people for a couple of weeks and I’m not feeling very good physically, I’m depressed and anxious. It sucks.
Tonight is my nephews birthday and I just sent my husband off to a family gathering without me. I just don’t feel well enough to even be around family. I love them but can’t handle it right now. Though I would love some one on one time with my sis-in-law, I miss her.
I’m in one of those moods where I am finding it really difficult to write or express myself. Yet I did say I would post every day so here I am!
Blog post posted….
Depression Sucks
It takes all your motivation away. It leaves you feeling trapped with this horrific feeling of claustrophobia.
Now despite all this I went out for a Sunday drive. We have some really pretty areas around here and it was nice to get out of the house. It might have even helped a teeny tiny bit. Though it took me out of my comfort zone, it was likely a good thing.
Hubby says I should just do things I don’t want to do. I don’t have a feeling of not wanting to do anything. It’s more of I can’t find anything to do. Maybe he’s right who knows.
I’m avoiding sad things as much as I can because I feel like if I were to start crying it would just turn into an endless cascade of tears.
I’m considering giving up weed. Being high every day is starting to be the only way I can feel normal and it’s not keeping the depression at bay the way it used to. I’ll think about it before I get anymore I guess.
My Grief Hit Me Hard
I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
A Question
Do you think I should start posting daily again? I’m feeling torn on it. I miss it though a lot
I Hater Being Alone
Hubby hasn’t had to travel at all since we moved into the house. I was really hoping that he wouldn’t have to do it again. I get lonely and scared.
We found out that he has to travel this week and I have to be by myself for a couple of days. I’m having anxiety just thinking about it. I know I can do it though. I’m strong!
My moods have been semi stable. There has been some depression, but it’s not that bad. Yes I’m sad and want to crawl into bed and do absolutely nothing at all. I’m trying to work past it though.
I’ve started on the painting for my BFF I think it is turning out okay so far. It’s hard to judge when I’m depressed because I am my own worst critic but I hope it turns out wonderful as she is a wonderful person.
More Whatif’s
I’m supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be thrilled that we are closing in 3 days. I’m supposed to finally be able to relax.
I’m so stressed out. The whatif’s are killing me. What if we can’t get to the closing? What if we don’t find out what the check we are supposed to bring is? What if there is bad weather and it messes everything up?
That and a whole bunch more sillier smaller things that are just constantly keeping my mind in constant rotation. It won’t fucking shut up, it’s just thrumming with whatif’s.
It’s made today a not so great day.
I forced myself to go out for dinner though even though I want to curl up in fetal postition and hide. I have to keep pushing myself.
Maybe tomorrow will be calmer but tonight I am going to seek out my husbands arms and let him hold me until I sleep or cry/
It’s Been A Productive Weekend
This weekend I’ve gotten almost everything packed. I just really have clothes and maybe one or two boxes to pack and I will be done for Thursday.
This is what the mess looks like…
I think we are really going to pack the uhaul we are renting. I can’t believe we are so close to moving day.
I have to admit I lay in bed for two hours this afternoon having some anxiety about the move and all the unpacking I will have to do. I tend to worry about every single thing so it passed like all the other things do.
My mood has been awesome though. I’m managing to stay up, seriously hoping it is the pristiq helping.
I’m excited to see how each day goes moving forward. Tomorrow will be another test as I will be home alone. Though I have found the guilty pleasure of watching TV shows I wouldn’t normally.
Here’s hoping it’s a good day.
My MIL Is Driving Me Crazy
My mood today has been both up and down. My anxiety seems to be worse than it has been. I am not sure if it is the pristiq or just the fact that there are a lot of stressful things going on right now.
My MIL brings up packing every single day and it is starting to stress me out about doing it. I have a plan in place and it’s really not any of her buisness how I plan on doing it, but there is something said that makes me want to pull my hair out. Today her suggestion was to pack up and put our stuff in the garage. No flipping way that garage is gross I don’t want my stuff sitting out there getting moist and stinky.
I went to lunch today even though my anxiety wanted me to run the other way. I was uncomfortable the whole time and really couldn’t eat. The pristiq seems to be changing the way I feel hunger and the way I want to eat. Actually for the better cause I don’t get as hungry and can’t seem to eat all my food. So maybe I’ll start losing weight again.
Either way tomorrow will be interesting. It will prove if the being alone is really influencing my depression. I hope not cause there is no changing it.
Day 3 In Dallas
I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.
I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.
I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…
A Bipolars Reality 