anxiety

Day Two In Dallas

Yesterday turned out pretty good.  I got to visit with my BFF and hug her. It felt so good to finally be so close to her. We talked for a couple hours and it felt so natural. I am not sure what I was so nervous about.

The rest of the time was pretty boring. Like today has been so fucking. I am not experiencing much difference than when I am in Omaha. Except I keep getting little jolts of anxiety and I’m kind of dreading the drive home. I still have a whole other day of this. I wish I was brave enough to go out by myself.

Being stuck in a hotel room for three days is not something I think I will do again. The next time hubby has a trip I think I’ll just stay home and be bored there. Sure I won’t get to sleep with him but I will feel more comfortable.

I have this feeling that something bad will happen constantly popping into my head. It’s so annoying. Hubby still won’t be back for another 3 hours. Plus I’ve been waking up earlier then I do at home which is making the day even longer.

If anyone has any suggestions of what a person stuck in a hotel room can do with herself, I’ll gladly take it into consideration, cause this just blows… Maybe I’ll get hubby to take me out tonight to at least get some fresh air.

How The Trip Goes So Far

I told you that we got here but I didn’t tell you what the drive was like. It was scary, then boring, then scary again.

Nebraska got hit by a snow storm and for some reason even though it was really the first snow of the year, they were not sanding or plowing the streets very well. It was pretty terrifying seeing all the cars that had flown off the road, even 16 wheeler’s were jackknifed in the middle separating the highways.

Kansas was not nearly as bad, there was some icky roads but you could tell from looking around they didn’t get hit as hard as Nebraska and they were taking much better care of their roads.

One we hit Oklahoma it was a lot easier.. No snow and the roads were dry. I still have yet to get used to the speed people drive though. We were really flying at around 70mph the whole time.

Once we hit Texas it was scary again as these people are nuts, bobbing and weaving their cars all over the place. I didn’t know if we would make it to our hotel without getting in an accident and luckily we made it here with no issues.

Friday we get to do it all in reverse. That should be interesting.

Not seeing the house this week will be hard but we are getting so close to being able to close, less then 4 weeks now!

My BFF is coming to visit me, I am writing this as I wait for her to come over, I’m nervous that I won’t be interesting enough. Even though we have shared everything over the years I am feeling a little shy. I am sure it will be okay, it’s Vanyla and Kitenn after all 😀

Mood is good!

In Dallas

Took us all damn day to get here but we arrived in Dallas. I’m really nervous about being alone in the room all day but I think I can handle it ok.

Not going to write much tonight but I will say since my doctor told me to stop taking the clonidine (sp?) that I am feel emotionally better. I’m not happy happy yet, but I’ve had no negative moodlets pop into my head.

Will write more tomorrow.

A Year and Two Days

Well since I’ve been writing for a full year and two days. I plan to keep writing every day this year as well. I hope that I can get up two years. I might miss a day or two when I move but I hope to find wifi I can hook into to at least post something.

My mood today is anxious. I haven’t been able to completely relax and I can feel that I could easily lose my temper. I’m what I like to call itchy, not quite bitchy but the itch is there. I don’t want to do things I don’t want do. I don’t want to be told my opinions don’t matter. I don’t want to listen to what other people have to say. I know these things will bring out the capital B.

I’m trying to keep my temper. I am trying to remain calm.

I’m not feeling great physically. I’m not feeling great emotionally. I am anxious about our trip. I’m anxious about feeling bad and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. I hate this feeling.

Maybe it will be better tomorrow.. maybe..

Still Gloomy

I’m still experiencing the blues and now I am also scared to be alone.

There is a van driving around the neighborhood with a freezer on the back for several days. The housing association has been sending out emails warning people. It makes me nervous just being here by myself. I’m kind of stuck here doing nothing and letting my thoughts wander around in circles.

Can’t wait for 5:00pm to come along so hubby will be home and I’ll be able to relax and just worry about the roadtrip. I love roadtrips so the stress for that will be a lot less.

I would really like a happy day, it’s been over a week now.. dammit.

Dallas Here I Come

Yesterday my husbsand told me he had to go out of town for 4 days for a business trip. I was numb. I didn’t want to be seperated from him, He’s my rock, my reason for living. He helps me survive.

When I found out he was going to Dallas I suggested that we drive and I go with him. He said he would talk to his boss and see if it was possible they would rent a car for us instead of him having to fly, on paper it was even cheaper!

This morning I woke up with an ache in the pit of my stomach. Yet when I talked to Jim he informed me that he could take me on the trip and we would start the drive down Monday. I’m nervous because there might be dinners and I might have to meet people but I’m also excited even though I will be stuck in a hotel room for 3 days while he works.

We’ll see which one wins.

 

Date Night

I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.

It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!

I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.

I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.

Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.

In The Middle of the Middle

I have no idea how I feel. I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not happy, I’m not joy filled. I’m just in the middle of the middle.

Nothing happened today which is good, because if nothing happens, nothing bad happened.

I think I am a little frustrated and a little stressed because of the house.

I start the Lithium tonight, I am a little nervous but honestly I need to stop the spinning.  Ok I am more than nervous I think I am terrified to try adding another medication in when honestly the last week has been pretty damned good.

New stuff always makes me fearful. I’ve been having a few more anxiety attacks lately then I was having before. I know it will pass and I have to just fight through it.

Fight, breathe, fight, breathe, fight…I can do it.

Nothing Is Happening

Today was uneventful. I woke up slightly pissy but decided to get out of bed and face the day. It’s turned out to be ok. Yesterday I thought that I was starting to slide down hill again but today like I said, I’m OK. Being ok is a lot better than a lot of other alternatives.

I’ve checked my email a 100 times or more waiting for our closing email. I am supposed to hear something this week. I hope that they do it early like Monday or Tuesday. Waiting the whole week is gonna give me acid stomach. I know I shouldn’t be stressed cause it is out of my control but I can’t help but be anxious. It’s going to be exciting to know we have 45 days til closing and every day makes that time longer.

My mom and I talked today, she is coming to visit in July and I think that she is staying a month. That should be interesting. Interesting as in the fortune, may you live in interesting times. If I can get some weed for it, then it will be easy cause I’l.l just keep her stoned and happy lol. Cross your fingers that I can get a deal before then.

For some reason I just started having a little anxiety. Too much stress I guess.. Must breathe.

Family Celebration

Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.

Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.

This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.

Wish me luck!