anxiety

Saying No To Myself

Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.

Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.

Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.

Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…

Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.

Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.

No more no….

Time To Stop Being Afraid

I am always afraid of death. It haunts me. Yet I’ve had physicals, ekg’s and even genetic testing. I ‘should’ live to a decent age. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid and time to start living?

I want to enjoy my life. I want to explore the world, even if it is the small world that I live in. I want to try new things and stop living in fear of my anxiety. I am going to the haunted house on Monday night and I am going to invite my husband to a movie this weekend.

I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to enjoy the life I have and if something happens. I will deal with it.

Tomorrow the Mole Doctor

I’m nervous and don’t feel like talking about it.

Therapy was good.

Shrink was good.

Today with mom was awesome and fun.

Tomorrow will happen.

Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.

Don’t Jump The Gun

I’ve been feeling crappy all damn day. Feeling ill gives me anxiety. It’s the one thing that can undo me.

I have been considering cancelling my therapy session and my visit to the salon all because I feel ill now.

I was upfront with my husband about it, though honestly if I cancel I likely wont be. He told me not to jump the gun.

I hate that it makes me so anxious that I plan to just hunker down and not leave the house. It’s ridiculous.

Tonight I at least got to watch TV shows that I enjoy(ed).

Short post tonight cause of the naughty tummy. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure.

UTI and More Hole Action

Today I started peeing blood and it felt like razor blades we being dragged through. Y urethra. I fricken hate these things, makes me want to give up sex altogether. I won’t but as I take these antibiotics,

So cold + uti… No fun.

My work day went well. I’d forgotten just how much I enjoy being bossy. Especially about mke release.

Now on to some good news. Our hole now has footings. I’ll take picture this weekend. I was thrilled was just going to look at the hole but there was stuff going on there, so woot.

The last and bee test news. I had a genetic test done for breast and colon cancer and it cme back negative. In fact there is only a 13% chance of me getting cancer. SO th ittl bad thing going on can suck it!!! ha!

Tomorro is the therapists, I’ll he good stuff to talk about that isn’t past crap.

Right On The Edge

I’m on the edge of a mood. It’s been an up and down day. My prick of an ex-brother-in-law is trying to make everyone’s life a living hell. Mostly my mom in law cause he is so fucking selfish. If I had my way he’d never get a job again and would have to live on the streets.

He and my sister in law expect my MIL to watch my nephews and niece for like 12 fucking hours a day. She in her mid 60’s and should be allowed to relax but she is too good of a woman to tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s making me seethe. At least I have a reason to be pissed for a change.

On the good news front we now have a gigantic basement sized hole on. On our lot. I’ll post pictures tomorrow. For now I’m done before I curse anymore. I’m a regular patty mcpottymouth.

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh

Hair Done, Anxiety Didn’t Win!

I got my hair done and I love the way it looks this picture doesn’t show just how vibrant the red is sadly, I’ll need to take another outside 

 I’m happy I went through with it. I talked to my therapist which eased some of my stress but my shrink had to cancel due to a family emergency so it will be a week before I can deal with the pills. What’s one more week right. Just gotta keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward. Can’t be negative all the time.

New hairdo, color