bipolar

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..

Col

Is Being Happy Is Tiresome?

I’ve been perkily happy the last little while I think that it has to do with being off the lamictal and less stress in our lives. Honestly finding out that we were moving sooner just lifted layers off me. I am sure no one is eager to live with their mother in law for a time but it will get us the house we want. I really need to pay off all the cc cards I filled from the previous blog post.

We are hoping to buy by October. Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none. I always did the house up, got the large candy bars for the kids and occasionally dressed up myself. It’s a wonderful holiday in the Midwest cause everything smells so earthy, the leaves are falling and it makes everything sort of creepy. I get so excited thinking about it. We’ll need furniture but I think I would rather worry about decorating the house the right way. Then there is Christmas another wonderful house decorating time.. eeeee I am so excited!

I do have moments where I wonder if I am happy like this all the time will I just get annoying? I feel like I might. I am positively bubbly and perky. Have a ton of energy and want to do things. I wonder what the hubby thinks, am afraid to ask. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to jinx it by being stupid. Lord knows that happens to me a lot. I can’t just go with the flow.

I’ve decided once we move I am giving up the mmorpg’s hopefully for good. All our stuff will be in storage so I’ll only have my laptop to write my blog on and maybe more of the book I am trying to write.. Could be very good for me… we’ll see right now I am just freaking myself out cause I am smiling.. weirdness.

I Hate World of Warcraft!!!

Today I’m pissed, but I am actually pissed for a reason. I have played this World of Warcraft since 1 year after it came out, so maybe 9 years with a break or two. I’m a completest so I collect all the pets and mounts and do all the achievements.

I hate the way the game has changed and I hate the way it forces me to PVP (player vs player) to make an achievement that in of itself takes a full year or longer to get all the things done for. It made me realize that no matter how hard I work at things it will just take my time and money and give me no sense of satisfaction. I waited a full year to try again but things are so unbalanced that I will never get this achievement.

People who don’t play online roleplaying games really don’t understand this feeling. I play 4 different games just to get my thrill. I think it’s a form of gambling and I think it’s an addiction that I should just quit doing. I feel like I am nerd raging right now.

Rift – Which is an awesome game for creativity, if you have an unending flow of cash and the need to build this game it fun. I literally have spent 10000 though. 😦  Yes that’s dollars I didn’t have.

WoW – If you like neverending questing or crappy pvp this game is for you! The graphics are lovely but the game itself is like the song that never ends. I’ve already spent a couple of hundred dollars since I came back.. regret much? omg yes

Guild Wars – Now if you like PVP this is a great game! However there are lots of little things to spend your money on. I’ve probably spent about 1500ish.

Marvel Heroes – This game is great if you like picking up shining and like a more diablo play style. Again though with heroes and outfits I have spent at least 2000+ dollars

If you have some self control three of these games are free-to-play and you can still have a really good time. WoW isn’t though it requires a subscription and your fucking soul. I really need something new to do with my life, it makes me sad just writing all this crap out.. Years and cash down the drain..  I feel like I’ve been robbed.

 

Do You See What I See?

*might accidently spoil something for the show Black Box*

I watched the new show on television called Black Box. I expected to feel a multitude of feelings about the main character as she is bipolar. We tend to get defensive and critical about people playing the roles we ourselves experience in life.

I was mostly interested in her behavior as she went through multiple med withdrawals. Was it written so that people who weren’t bipolar could experience the extremes we go through. Possibly exaggerated in some cases? There were several places I wholeheartedly agreed with having felt before and had responded in similar manners. I am usually fairly quick to high if I miss my meds for a day. At one point I was taking them every other day and it would keep me in a constant state of Euphoria. It wore off though and then I just had days and days of depression.

Hyper sexuality I have experienced this one a great deal. I would think myself the most amazing sexy desirable woman and no one could look at me without wanting me, man or woman. I remember how powerful I felt. I guess one would say super human.

Dancing to the music in my head. I do this often. I also often make up songs about everything. Picture Jess from New Girl. I’m am very similar to her when I am hypo-manic. Without the goody two shoes thing. I’ve never been a good girl. I’m kind but I’m not good.

Hateful anger.. I used to have this a lot. Its one of the reasons I tried to kill myself once.. Over laundry.. seriously..

I don’t hallucinate like a lot of people do. I have smaller ones but perhaps that is because I am almost always partially medicated.

The show made me miss parts of myself that are gone, but it made me realize that there are reason I take medications and I need to continue to do it for myself and my family. (hubby, dogs and best friend).

Either way it was an interesting watch and I will likely watch more..

A poll though….

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Super Sick, Super Happy

My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.

in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy

Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.

I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.

Okay I’m Officially Tired Of Vegas

I woke up (this is s a loose term) this morning to the feel of complete exhaustion both mentally and physically. I have pushed myself so hard the last few days that I have come to my end. I am gonna stay in the room the rest of the day. I’m not having fun and I am tired of hearing and smelling people. Yup smelling it’s gotten so crowded you can smell all the smokers, the people who put on way to much cologne or perfume and armpits.. blech.. just nasty.

Last night the hotel exploded with people coming in for Easter Weekend, even at 1am there were tons of people packed all around me.

Hubby is mad at me because I came to visit him at the Pai Gow Table, he didn’t seem to be happy I was there so I left and came back to the room. Then I get back here and he’s like come back, but it was really hard for me to be there the first time. Even coming up to the room the floor kind of moved under my feet I thought I was going to keel over.. So tired

Tomorrow I start on 2 300mgs of Lithium, I’m a little scared but I have to do it. Then I have my blood test on Thursday.  Hopefully everything works out ok.

I’m gonna sign off since my mom in law is here and when I write tomorrow it will be on my computer instead of my laptop. Thanks for reading.

I did have a minor breakdown this morning, today might get better.. hehe

Here In Vegas!!

It was a lovely drive me and hubby sat and talked a little and listened to a wide variety of music. When he was busy driving I would just stare at his face, the way it’s changed. How wonderfully handsome I still think he is 13 years later and how lucky I am to have him. When we got here we took a walk towards the strip, neither of us are in that great of shape so we got about a mile and a half and then turned back to get some dinner! So far I am having a great time. There is a gigantic bathtub here, honestly delightful and dinner was marvelous. My mood has been mostly up today. I’ve had several self hate minutes but I talked to hubby about it and it helped a lot. Wish you were here!

Our Hotel

Our Hotel

Tomorrow is Vegas

Tomorrow at noon we head out for the four hourish drive to Las Vegas. I am super excited about going, I am completely packed. Did some self loving, colored my hair a pretty burgundy and whitened my teeth. Girls gotta look her best right? 😀

I was in a pretty good mood today and I’ve noticed the last couple of days my brain hasn’t been racing as much as it normally does. A one point today though I started getting a little grumpy and the thoughts started stabbing me in the brain! I was pissed off, I really don’t want to be happy for the 3 days before I go to Vegas and then  have a down turn there. So I went and had a nap. Woke up feeling much better. Though seriously I could do without the headaches from the withdrawal.

Don’t you hate that the medications we take to make us feel better, usually have something that makes us feel worse at the same time. Especially when going off the damned things. I can’t wait to be completely off the Lamictal. I also can’t wait until I get the see the ECT doc. I’m very excited about that. Having to only take one pill to control the mood swings would be amazing!

Anyhow I am off to watch Game of Thrones and try to get some sleep before tomorrow. Talk to you then!