so this week I got my hair cut me today I went and saw the eye doctor and got some new glasses ordered. It’s time I started taking care of myself. You know how it can be, you get in such a funk that you just stop caring. You stop washing, you stop eating right. No more of that.
i will start taking care of myself. I’m even gonna get a manicure.. Go me!
I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.
I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.
Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.
I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.
In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.
I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.
My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!
Today has been better mood wise. The anxiety was also a little lower.
I’d like to thank sudafed for making my cold more managable.
I spent all day watching survivor from the beginning, up to episode 8. Not a great way to spend the day but at least I wasn’t moping, right?
I am doing well losing weight and have lost 17 pounds so far. It feels a little weird and I’m afraid to eat now. Yet I am craving junk food really badly. I am wonderfuil at self sabatoge. I know this yet I feel like this is a losing battle with christmas and all the sweets and carbs that come with it.
There I said some positive stuff today.. nuff said.
I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.
I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.
I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.
It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.
Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.
Okay on a non-bipolar note. Did you all watch walking dead tonight? I’m in complete and utter shock. I’m not gonna say what happens because I don’t want to spoil it for those who are waiting to watch it. All I can say is OMG WTF.
Now onto the bipolarity and general health. I’m feeling like crap, I spent most of my day in bed nauseated and in pain. I’m still in pain, aching all over and I haven’t had much to eat but some oyster crackers. I’m actually a little hungry so that is something.
Emotionally, I’m having a lot of anxiety but I think it is because I am not feeling very good. I hate to feel sick around other people and once again not being in my own home has made this harder then it has to be on me. I guess I just am ok right now. Haven’t been awake enough to figure out what my mood actually is. If anything I am a little sensitive. I think sensitive can be an ok emotion though, it makes you more apt for be empathizing. That’s always a good thing.
Today has felt so much like Sunday. Long afternoon nap, watching the series Grimm with hubby and just basically relaxing.
There hasn’t been to much tension today and my tummy is feeling slightly better. I still have heartburn from hell but it will pass, it always does.
Even went out to the house and just sort of hanged around a bit. It makes the time pass a little faster. Also makes daydreaming about what it will look like when it is done.
Also drove around looking at Christmas decorations. They are always so beautiful. Maybe I won’t get sad this Christmas. I got hubby some cool gifts and making him happy makes me happy.
I think I am finally getting over my depression.. fingers crossed.
Most of the time honestly it’s the parenting. The parents allow the children to run all over the place and just do whatever they like. It’s not true for all kids of course but it seems to be a growing trend. If I behaved the way the kids do nowadays I would have gotten my ass whooped. Kids aren’t afraid of consequences for their bad behaviour now.
Another reason I donlt like children is they are walking talking bundles of ick. Carrying around multiple illnesses just waiting to pass it on to the next person. My immune system is shitty since I am not exposed to most things most people are. That’s what happens when you don’t socialize with the public very often. Yet every single bug my nieces and nephews picks up ends up here at home since my MIL watches them every day.
Right now it is a 24 hour bug that has everyone spewing fluids from both ends and just generally having the worse heartburn you’ve ever had. My MIL was up all night with it and today I just feel like I am on the edge of it. I have the heartburn from hell and what feels like a giant air bubble filling my insides but luckily everything has remained inside.so far. If it is going to get worse I hope that it does it sooner rather than later. Spending the day in bed just waiting for something to happen sucks.
I know it’s not a hangover because I sobered up before bed and drank a ton of water, so now I just have to wait and see what happens. I swear I spend my whole life waiting for everything, how mundane.
Anyhow that is just some reasons I dislike children. I’m super glad I have dogs, even if they do chew my pillows and piss on the floor.
Happy Thankgiving. I’mn drunk but havent told anyone off, so that’s a bonus. Gonna keep it short because no one needs to listen to the ramblings of a drunk. Yet I hope you all had a wonderful day with your family.
A Bipolars Reality 