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So Wiggly

I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.

I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*

MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.

Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.

I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.

Annoyed, Pissed, So Fucking Angry

I haven’t been in the best of moods lately as you know. Today I thought for a moment it might have actually lifted. I managed to keep busy and not dwell on sitting alone by myself for yet another day. I wasn’t ready to kill someone either.

Needless to say my mood fooled me again. About 20 minutes before my husband came home I get recklessly angry. You know where you could easily hurt someone if you didn’t concentrate completely on keeping control of your anger. This is my mania coming through. It’s a step down from depression to be perfectly honest. At least with depression I am only dangerous to me.

My stomach hurts from keeping poison words in and not letting myself hurt the people I love with the words that can escape my lips.

I would kill for a punching bag right now. Definitely an investment to make once we get into the house for now I will just develop an ulcer while I just hope no one says anything to incredibly foolish to me.

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

Positivity Isn’t Always Good

I’ve been trying to be positive for days. I think it might have been a mistake. I was pushing down the negative feelings that I was having. The depression, the anger everything.

Last night I told my mom in law she could come stay with us but the cats would have to stay somewhere else. I’m really allergic to them. I thought that was that. Hours later she said what I thought was, you really wouldnt let the cats move in. To which I said no, the cats make me sick. Apparently I heard her wrong and she had asked, You really wouldn’t let ‘me’ move in with the cats. I inadvertently hurt her feelings. It broke my heart.

I went on a massive manic rant after she went upstairs upset and said horrific things to my husband, accusing him of not standing up for me and saying maybe I should just kill myself and he and his mom could have the house. This rant went on for an hour and it was ugly.

Eventually things calmed down and I couldn’t stop crying. I had hurt someone I loved. I don’t like most people let alone give my love to someone. I panicked not knowing what to do to fix it. I wanted to move out to our own apartment I wanted to run.

Jim told me that I could just send a text to his mom explaining the confusion so I did so this morning. I havent heard from her and she is staying at my sister in-laws for the next 4 nights. A long time to keep things festering. Jim says everything will be fine now. I mean he knows his mom. Yet I still feel heart-broken and have no courage to call her. I am a coward.

Nifty Doodad

Last night hubby snd i got into a fight becausee we were both grumpy sbout not hsving our own. I reminded him thst we just need to keep our eye on the prize.

Now that his bronchitis is better we went out to Gretna for a walk and it made us more relaxed. I really am looking forward to our new home.

I lost my ipad cover and hubby got me a new one that has a keyboard attached which will eventuaslly make blogging easier. Right now I am making a lot of errors as i get used to it. It feel better than actively writing on the ipad though.

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Neat right?

WE also got costumes for our dogs, Ren will be Wonder Woman and Charlie is Super Girl. They will be adorbs!!

That’s pretty much been my day. We got some time alone which is good. Its been better day thats for sure.

Right On The Edge

I’m on the edge of a mood. It’s been an up and down day. My prick of an ex-brother-in-law is trying to make everyone’s life a living hell. Mostly my mom in law cause he is so fucking selfish. If I had my way he’d never get a job again and would have to live on the streets.

He and my sister in law expect my MIL to watch my nephews and niece for like 12 fucking hours a day. She in her mid 60’s and should be allowed to relax but she is too good of a woman to tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s making me seethe. At least I have a reason to be pissed for a change.

On the good news front we now have a gigantic basement sized hole on. On our lot. I’ll post pictures tomorrow. For now I’m done before I curse anymore. I’m a regular patty mcpottymouth.

Blog Splog

I don’t feel like writing, finding out my best friends cancer isn’t improving by reading her blog has put me in a foul mood and I can’t think of anything to say. My bipolarity and mood swings seem to be kind of trivial at the moment.

I see my shrink and therapist tomorrow, I’ll let ya know how it goes ……

More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh

Grumpy Pants

I am so damn bitchy. I got up and felt some energy and decided to clean some things but honestly this place is a huge fucking mess and it is really overwhelming.

I cleaned a few things my bitchy yorkies tried to attack me a few times and by then I was so flipping angry I could punch something cute.

Hubby came home and we went out to dinner to celebrate the good fortune we have been having but I just felt on edge as if waiting for the evil hammer of shiftiness to fall and got grumpier.

Sometimes I think I am just a bitch, I dunno maybe tomorrow will be better but for now I am gonna take some benedryl and try to slip into sleep so I can just stop trying to deal.

Fuck.

I Hate EVERYTHING today..

Talking about rapid mood cycling…

Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.

I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.

I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.

I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.

Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.

Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.

Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.

Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.