bipolar

Not A Bad Day

Had a pretty good day today. Went to see the therapist and shrink. I got my Latuda increased to 40 mg and then had a really good therapy session. Apparently I had a lot to get off my chest.

I talked about my house, my husband, my MIL, my dad, my daughter, my BFF. A lot of things are causing me stress. I always feel so much better after a session. It’s quite cathartic.

Finding out that my moodiness isn’t just adjusting to the new pills but it being stressed about very real life things. I know that it will be better. Gotta keep my eye on the prize. I can do it.

Sad, Mad, Glad

Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?

I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.

I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉

Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.

Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!

Blogging Goes Here

On Friday, September 5, 2014, Colleen Frazer wrote:
I realize that while I promised myself that I would write in my blog(on my blog?) every day for a year definitely isn’t easy.
Sometimes I have little to nothing to say and other times I run on and on.

I wish I wasn’t so snippy. One thing I noticed is that I have no tolerance for the little things Jim does that annoy me. It sucks because he is one of the most amazing men in the world. He shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!

I am so lucky to have him. He is the one thing that keeps me going everyday. Why am I being such a cranky bitch?

I was fine before I started back in fucking meds I was just sad all the time and honestly maybe that was better!

I Hate Being Broken

I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.

I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.

I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.

One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.

This feels like prison!

I Am Always Afraid

Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.

The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.

I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.

I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.

I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.

Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..

Breathe, breathe, breathe..

oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.

New Pills and Art

Michaels is having a sale on canvases so I bought a ton of new ones to paint on. Currently I have the black done on a large pain tingling I am working on. I aml hoping to do a creepy halloweenie like painting.
I also went and saw my shrink and therapist today and all Both spots went well. My therapist is helping me trying to figure out how not to be afraid of being mortal and my psychiatrist suggested I try Xanax xr twice a day to help with the anxiety since the clonezapam doesn’t seem to do anything. I am also going to be starting to take Latuda which is a medication made specifically for bipolar depression. It can have some shitty side effects but it can work pretty damn well so I am going to try it and see what happens.
Anyone tried it? Would love to here how it works for you?

Creativity Ahoy

I am missing my computer. It had my photoshop and music and my photography all on y computer. I miss my stuff. I am going to be painting today I think. I need to use my creativity. It makes me feel good.

I am setting up a chiropractor appt because something hurts in my upper back and I want to start working out again. I need to work on my physical attributes. Losing weight will help me feel better and it will make me look better and all of that will help me mentally I think.

I am curious what my doctors will think to do with me medicinally. Things can’t stay the way they are. I need to move forward. I have had some happy moments which is good. Those weren’t happening that often before.

After I get to working out and get my back fixed I am thinking of going out more.. We went to the movies once already which was something for me and I want to go back and see tmnt. I think it will be cut, but maybe three is a horror movie playing whichever be even better..

We’ll see!

No More ECT

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

Session Two Down

I’ve made it through my second session. I had a heck of a headache afterwards but it has started to clean up and just be a dull ache in the back of my head.

I didn’t know if I would go through with it but sometimes I surprise even myself.

This time they gave me a physical, it was supposed to happen last time but somehow it got over looked. I think most of the people that work there have been exposed to the ECT a little long. They are really nice though.

The PA who did my physical and I had a conversation about mania and people purposely cycling to become manic. Apparently this damages the brain though. I’ve only purposely cycled a couple times and honestly have forgotten how I did it.

If I am lucky I won’t have my extreme mania after these sessions. One again I am not 100% sure if I am going to go again. I jut haven’t made up mind. The fact that I am terrified of dying is really not helping though.

Make no promises, let no one down!

Unfuckingbelievable

Ali I am sitting here at the hospital waiting for my appt and it’s already gone an hour over. They are really behind. I am lucky my husband is here to keep me distracted or else I would be going postal.

I feel bad when I laugh at something he says or does or even smiles, everyone looks so miserable here. I know right this moment is not bad for me but most of the time it is. They don’t know that though.

I dunno how long I’ll be waiting but t least I came. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.