tired

Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

After My First Session

When I first woke up I was just groggy and dozed on and off for a while. When it was time for me to go my head was hurting a little but not so bad really. Just a slight headache and I was nauseated but my stomach was definitely off. It just felt weird.

I think the worst part is that I am experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’m anxious about being alone tomorrow. I’m anxious about side effects that haven’t occurred yet. I’m worried about taking my anti anxiety meds. I am sure the anxiety will pass but it makes me hesitate to repeat the process.

I think that I will decide after tomorrow. I do feel better than I first did. I wish I could find something that made my stomach feel settled. My brain would feel settled. I am just off.

By the way why does and anestsia (sp?) hurt so fucking much when it enters your vein. We’ll see how it goes. Least my memory is ok so far.

I’m glad they decided to go with unilateral though. I think that bilateral would have been worse.

Nervous? Maybe.

The doctor doesn’t want me taking clonazepam before my treatments so I didn’t take any today. It was hard but I managed to go to the grocery store unmedicated.

Mostly I felt disassociated. You know that wonderful sense of unreality. It get worse as my depression gets worse and I fucking hate it. Feels like I am tripping balls when I am on nothing at all. I have to constantly ask someone if they are seeing or hearing what I am.

The depression is pretty bad right now. I suppose that should be a good thing since they are going to be treating me for it. I’ll get a true gauge of improvement.

I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m paranoid, I’m withdrawn and I’m hopefully going to get fix. That’s going to keep me going for now.

I missed my last therapy session even though I love my therapist, this week I am thinking of skipping again, it just seems to require so much energy and I don’t feel like putting on a face for my mom in law.

Maybe next week.

Exhausted and Nervous

I’m really too tired to come up with a great blog post. I go to my ECT consultation tomorrow and I am nervous and excited.

The weekend was nice the first night we slept close to 10 hours, last night I barely got 4 though.. There was thunder storms and I was terrified.

Anyhow off to bed, will be more writey tomorrow.

Sick and Sad

I’m woke up crying and then spent the day in physical pain and stomach rolling illness. Is this because if the medication?

There are some theories that even being on the pills for a few days and quitting can make you ill, that sure does seem to be the case. Either way I am not much up to writing.

I did step out and got some hobby shit to do, hook rugs, paints, puzzles just things to keep my brain active on something besides itself.

I have no idea if they will help or if I will even attempt to do them. I guess we shall see. For now I am going to try and get some sleep so I can stop feeling like someone ran me over with an 18 wheeler.

Stress and Hate

4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.

I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.

I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.

I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh

I’m Seriously Tired

It is hard to remain positive when your body and brain are working so hard to take you down. I just want to sleep but I can’t for some reason or other. I can’t focus. I am super stressed and paranoid.

The only reason I am bothering to post at all is because I can’t let myself down again. I have to do this every day regardless of how I am feeling.

I just want to curl up and die. Ugh

Hello, Goodbye

That is how my brain is working right now. Hello, Goodbye. It’s a swift switch.

I’ll give some examples. I love scratch and wins but I could not bring myself to gleefully rub away at the puzzle. I actually put it aside. I’ve never done that before.

Next I was decided I really need to know what I need to be prepared for Lap band surgery and everything that goes with it. I put in the search for the info then just went meh.. I don’t care.

Luckily my bestie caught me the day before yesterday and talked me into making an appt. with a psychologist before things started going down here. So I have that set up for July 1st (Canada day woot) but that means we are going to have to push the drive to make it. Honestly I’m okay with that if I can start working on my mental health again. A little over a month. I hope I can survive.

I’m mostly tired and numb. The numb is what really gets to me though. Even going for my daily picture thing and writing my blogs is a chore. I love doing those things though. Even if I have horrible writers block I can usually come up with a poem, but now I am having to struggle.

When do I get to be happy? You know a constant state of normality where I can do things and enjoy things and just not go through this cycle.

If the shrinks were most concerned about the depression then the mania, I likely would have gotten in with the ECT doctors and gotten that started. I don’t know that I am ever going to trust any doctors, but we fucking need them don’t we. They can be as shitty as they want because they know we need them.

Fuck em.. fuck it.. fuck everything.. fuck!

I’m A Frikken Zombie

Today I got up for an hourish then went back to sleep again. Then I woke up and decided that I had to go take my pictures for the day so I asked hubby to take me out to Malibu. I’ve been taking a lot of pictures of beaches lately. We stayed at the lagoon and beach for about an hour or so maybe a little longer and then I got like weak tired. I figured I might need some food since all I had had today was 4 donut holes to get a pill down my throat.

So I ate and didn’t feel so weak and kittenish but I did feel exhausted so I went home and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later much to my chagrin. I am still tired, I feel like a zombie and the only reason I am up is because I want to post my pictures and do my blogs. I need to keep my word to myself.

I am so frustrated I haven’t gotten any packing done the last two days. We leave in 26 days or so my timer may be off but I am feeling too lazy to correct it, I likely have it set to the 23rd when we are leaving the 25th.

Anyhow I can tell the depression is back because of the tiredness and my urge to curl my lip in a snarl at everything. Need to keep on my toes.

If you have any interest in my daily photo’s you can check them out HERE

I’m going back to bed!!