Bipolar

Forgiving Myself

I have been beating myself up for quite some time. The depression grabs hold of me and my house and hygiene go to shit.

I stop caring about anything but caring about everything. That probably doesn’t make any sense. I care what other people think. I judge myself as I think others would judge me and I never give myself a break. I’m constantly hammering shit into my own head about how horrific everything is.

Honestly, yes my house is a little untidy, is it dirty? no. I showered a few days ago which is good.

I just need to forgive myself for the depression controlled events and maybe it will help me get through them just a little bit easier.

Do you ever have anything similar happen? Remember to be easy on yourself. It’s super hard but we have to try right?

Humdrum

I’m feeling so blah. My alarm went off in the middle of me watching TV.  I set an alarm to write my blog everyday.  I figure it will help.

I don’t really want to do anything.  I don’t want to write. I don’t want to watch anymore TV. I just want to crawl into bed, I feel like complete garbage on top of being depressed.

Sometimes there might be a novella and sometimes it may just be a word or two but I will write every day again.

Blech. Least I accomplished something by doing it.

Missing People

I haven’t been around people for a couple of weeks and I’m not feeling very good physically, I’m depressed and anxious. It sucks.

Tonight is my nephews birthday and I just sent my husband off to a family gathering without me.  I just don’t feel well enough to even be around family. I love them but can’t handle it right now. Though I would love some one on one time with my sis-in-law, I miss her.

I’m in one of those moods where I am finding it really difficult to write or express myself.  Yet I did say I would post every day so here I am!

Blog post posted….

Depression Sucks

It takes all your motivation away. It leaves you feeling trapped with this horrific feeling of claustrophobia.

Now despite all this I went out for a Sunday drive. We have some really pretty areas around here and it was nice to get out of the house. It might have even helped a teeny tiny bit. Though it took me out of my comfort zone, it was likely a good thing.

Hubby says I should just do things I don’t want to do. I don’t have a feeling of not wanting to do anything. It’s more of I can’t find anything to do. Maybe he’s right who knows.

I’m avoiding sad things as much as I can because I feel like if I were to start crying it would just turn into an endless cascade of tears.

I’m considering giving up weed. Being high every day is starting to be the only way I can feel normal and it’s not keeping the depression at bay the way it used to.  I’ll think about it before I get anymore I guess.

Day 2 Of What I Hope Is A Year

I suppose I should get caught up. My mom came for a month and it was absolutely fantastic. We had such a good time together. It’s been two weeks since she went back to Canada and I really miss already. What are you gonna do when the man you love lives in the states though.

I also need to be more proactive in finding a way to visit my family in one way or another. I haven’t seen most of them for over 15 years. I don’t know where time went it just passed so quickly.

I need to renew my green card too which is a huge pain in the ass. I need to take the citizenship test. I think I could pass especially with some studying. Meh who knows.

I’m finding myself trying to break out of the circle I’ve built. Hopefully I find something before I go completely out of my fucking mind. Seriously.

 

 

I’m Going To Start Writing Every Day Again

I noticed the year that I wrote my blog every day I felt more I guess free would be the word.

Lately I’ve started to fall into my depressive stumblings, where I do nothing but lay on the couch all day counting the minutes until hubby gets home. Nothing changes when he gets here mind you. He goes on his computer and I usually watch the same shows I do every night.

I feel like every day is a circle. I just keep doing the same thing every single day. Get up, get high, wait for hubby, mix repeat.

I’m hoping if I start writing again that I will be able to find a small break in the circle and find some freedom again.

I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…

My Grief Hit Me Hard

I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.

Some things have been going good. I am spending a  lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.

I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.

What To Do

I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I am just stuck in a hamster wheel and can’t get off.

I’m lonely.

We got a new puppy which is killing some time, you know with training and having to keep an eye on her.  You might think getting a new dog so soon after my baby girl Ren died might seem to soon but I had such a gaping huge whole in my chest that needed something at least wiggle around in there.

I’m 46, I need to do something with my life. I’ve realized that you never know when something is going to happen to you or someone you love.  Why is this not kicking me in the ass to get motivated more? Is it the depression dragging me down. I don’t want to go down there. It’s dark and scary.

Right now is one of those times I wish I had a belief system. I have nothing to fall back on.

 

Why I Haven’t Been Posting

As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother. 009

Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs.  I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.

My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.

I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.

I have always been superstitious about the power of three.  This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?

When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.