I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…

My Grief Hit Me Hard

I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.

Some things have been going good. I am spending a  lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.

I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.

What To Do

I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I am just stuck in a hamster wheel and can’t get off.

I’m lonely.

We got a new puppy which is killing some time, you know with training and having to keep an eye on her.  You might think getting a new dog so soon after my baby girl Ren died might seem to soon but I had such a gaping huge whole in my chest that needed something at least wiggle around in there.

I’m 46, I need to do something with my life. I’ve realized that you never know when something is going to happen to you or someone you love.  Why is this not kicking me in the ass to get motivated more? Is it the depression dragging me down. I don’t want to go down there. It’s dark and scary.

Right now is one of those times I wish I had a belief system. I have nothing to fall back on.

 

Why I Haven’t Been Posting

As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother. 009

Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs.  I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.

My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.

I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.

I have always been superstitious about the power of three.  This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?

When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.

Mondays are Taco Night

Every Monday I have my sister in law, mother in law and a friend of the family all over for taco night. We play some games, eat some tacos and have a generally good time.

I’m glad I am doing it today because I am feeling really lonely.

I remember my best friend saying I could contact her whenever I was feeling lonely. Yet she’s gone and I’m here and I’m lonely.

It seems to be even harder after a good weekend with my husband. I’m glad I chose Mondays for this.

I didn’t write all weekend cause I was having a good time with hubby enjoying life. We walked and talked and hung out.

Encouraging Thunder Award

Thank you to Gentle Kindness for nominating me for the Encouraging Thunder Award. I appreciate it so much! Thank you.

I sadly have no blogs to nominate but will add some soon.

My voice is blogging is to be able to fully express how I am feeling day to day. I want others to understand that it’s ok to feel the way you do and others are feeling that way as well.

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Nothing To Do

Being pretty much housebound during the day is wearing thin on me. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I think that I’ve said that like a million times.

All I do is smoke and try to take the edge off of my stress about doing nothing.

I’m so jealous of people with jobs or school or real hobbies. I mean ya I paint but my creativity has been shit lately too.

Sounds like depression to you? I know I am still having feelings about my friend dying but it seems to be leaking into everything. I am just sad and bored.

I feel like I should be just feeling grateful for what I do have and sucking it up. So you can add guilty to the feelings I have too.

This sucks.

Stumbling Around

I find myself wandering around my house every day trying to find something to do that will make me happy. I didn’t realize it right away but I am depressed. I mean considering what has happened I am not surprised. I’ve also been messing my meds up. Missing days here and there.

Day 3 without smoking. I’m not quitting I’m just trying to take the time to heal I need without feeling altered.

I am feeling slightly better today and I hope that means that things are on the upswing. I can’t do much about the depression or the illness but I can try and ride them out gracefully.

Anyone else gotten this crappy stomach bug?

I Hate Being Sick :(

I’ve had some kind of stomach virus for close to a week and it feels horrible. I’m sore and achey and really just want to go back to the day where I felt ok. Just ok would be amazing.

It helps with my weight loss though.  I think I can find better ways to deal with that honestly. Like eating good food. All I’ve had over the past week is crackers and ginger ale.

I’m on my second day without smoking anything. It helps a lot with the nausea but you know if you can’t eat when high that you are really and truly sick.

My mood is what I like to call sucky. You know where you just want to crawl into the lap of someone who loves you and be held? Ya that.

I’m working on writing more. Every other day so far. I hope to get back to posting every day again. It helps with well everything to be able to vent and know you have support.

Sorry I haven’t Been Posting

After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened.  Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.

I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.

My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.

Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..