Nothing To Say

Yesterday I went to my therapists and I found myself struggling to find something to actually talk about. I know as bipolars talk therapy is beneficial and will have us with our recovery. Bah recovery seems like the wrong word. We don’t ever truly get better it’s more like parts of us go into remission if we are lucky.

I find when I am in a good place none of the bad stuff really stands out. The same goes for when I am in a bad place, none of the good really stands out. Should I try for therapy when I am only in a bad place. I think that would be very difficult, considering I can’t even get in to see her again until late May.

I’ve been enjoying life more lately. Keeping my house sparkling clean, cooking meals every night, doing laundry and dishes as they need to be done instead of letting them build up. I’m playing games on the computer with my husband again and it feels really good. I’m also trying to get in at least a mile every single day and am losing weight.

I know the depression is going to come again but I’m trying to avoid thinking about that and just stay in the moment.

Internet Down

My internet was down yesterday but the days I missed before that are all on me. I thought that once I got my computer back it would be even easier to remember to write everyday but I am trying to live life and I got busy actually having fun.

I was playing outside with my dogs, walking and playing on the computer with hubby until the wee hours of the night. I’d like to say I am going to be writing every day going forward but it’s not a promise I can keep. I am going to be writing at least a couple times a week, maybe more.

My mood has been pretty good for the last few days. Normally it is depression that makes me forget things but happiness did it this time so I really just can’t complain.

I go back to my therapists tomorrow then see my shrink 2 days later. I wonder if she heard about my saliva test. I guess I’ll see.

Today I Was Quite Proud of Myself

Most people would think much of it but people recovering from agoraphobia will dig where I’m coming from.

I walked to the mail box all on my own.  It’s about half a block away from the house so that’s really the farthest I have gone on my own since California. (over 8 months) I think this is something I need to start adding to my daily things since it gets me exercising and gives me exposure to the outdoors? What do you think?

My mood is ok today. Not super up but not super down. I’m just right in the middle where I can smile and I can frown.

My shrink wants me to set my alarm in the morning and start taking my wellbutrin and pristiq earlier but I am still fighting to sleep as late as I can. I manage to sleep until 11:00. I don’t know what I would do with myself with those two extra hours. I think I am going to have to take her advice though.

I start therapy again in 4 days so maybe that will help, we shall see.

I’ve Been Posting Every Other Day

It doesn’t feel natural though to be not posting every day. I don’t want to get out of the habit of it either. I need to fix my shit and get back to writing every day. I wasn’t going to post every day because I don’t always have something to say and I don’t want people to be bored but I am going to make sure I do it for myself.

My mood has been kind of middle of the road. I managed to make it being by myself until almost 10 o’clock last night though because hubby had a work dinner. So I think that I handled that pretty good. I didn’t crawl into bed and I didn’t break down into tears and was even encouraging about it. So good for me.

It’s grey out today and it’s hard to be in a good mood when the world is cold and yucky. I’m trying though. Think I am going to do some housework or workout or something physical.

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

Losing Hope In People

Yesterday I decided to play an online roleplaying game. I didn’t know anyone but was happy to wander around by myself exploring and killing things. You know relaxing.

There was a person who offered to friend me so I decided what the hell sure. Got to start somewhere.

At first they were really nice. Made me some armor, power leveled me. Kept encouraging me. Invited me to join their guild so I would have comrades.

Turns out it was just a skeevy male looking to get his cyber on with some poor unsuspecting woman. Sadly I just logged out after that. It made it hard for me to play and I didn’t feel like having a conversation about it.

Reminds me of the old days where men were mostly out to get some cyber, luckily one of those men introduced me to my husband who showed me they weren’t all bad. It makes me lose hope in making online friends though.

My mood has been middle of the road, today it is kind of meh. I am hoping it will get better. It’s cloudy and cool outside. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I am trying to do things regardless of how I am feeling about doing stuff at the moment.

Trying to stay motivated and not crawl back into bed.

Haven’t Written For a Couple of Days

I haven’t really had anything to write about honestly. I was doing tons of laundry, which I finally finished. Yay!

My mood has been ok and I believe the wellbutrin is keeping me motivated, however I am going to run out of housework kinds of things to do then I am not sure where I’ll stand.

I hope to get back into my computer games and I also plan to exercise every day.

I’m almost back down to 250, I want to get below that so badly. I started lowcarb/high fiber again and I hope it does the trick now that it is just hubby and I.

MIL would sabotage unintentionally all the time so now is the time to prove it was her and not me!

Yesterday Was My Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday so I didn’t post.

Honestly I had a lot to do. Nothing celebratory but I had to wash a lot of laundry and go shopping to fill my freezer and fridge.

Hubby and I really didn’t celebrate this year because of buying the house the day before his birthday and the appliances coming on mine. I did have my last piece of cake though!

I only bought low carb/high protein foods and we didn’t buy any junk. We are going to try and eat better and now that we don’t need to eat take out anymore it should be a lot easier.

My shrink appt went well. I did the spit dna test that determines which meds should be best for you. She upped my wellbutrin to 300mg a day since it was actually getting me out of bed and left the rest of my meds as is.

She said the goal is to get me out of bed and me enjoy being out of bed.

I still have tons of laundry to do today so I am going to stop writing. I own way too many clothes from depression/mania shopping but I can’t pair down just yet.

A Better Day

Today was a better day. Not because my depression improved but because I decided to listen to my BFF and try to make myself happy instead of waiting passively by for my pills and situation to fix anything. I love how she talks to me because she doesn’t hold her punches and as a fellow bipolar understand how things are. Not just anyone can do it but I appreciate that she does.

The minute I woke up I literally started mopping the floors, they are still covered with some dust from the build. They are finally starting to look like nice wood instead of some dusty old wood from a barn. It felt good to accomplish something. When hubby came home we walked around our block with the dogs since it was such a beautiful day. I think I am going to work on exercising every day it seems to pump me up some.

Tomorrow our fridge and washer and dryer get here so I can finally get all the laundry done from California. It’s been filling corners of the washroom and bedroom. There is a lot! It’s going to take me several days to get it all done but at least tomorrow I can finally start.

Tomorrow I also see my psychiatrist to get my pristiq increased. Should be an interesting day all in all.

I also finally get to shop for real food and cook a real meal if I so choose! Woot.

I Don’t Understand What’s Going On

I just can’t seem to get any motivation to do anything at all. I don’t want to exercise or play. I don’t want to sort laundry or watch TV.

I do want to crawl into bed. That’s about it.

I am managing to fight going back to bed though it is really hard to do.

Tomorrow hubby goes to work, then Tuesday it is my birthday. We’re not celebrating it. Though our washer and dryer and fridge will finally be here so that I can at least shop for some food. I’m tired of take out big time.

I tried painting last night but I just have no mojo. *sigh*

I hope this gets better soon. It always feels like you’ve been depressed forever when you are depressed.