Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

Blogging Goes Here

On Friday, September 5, 2014, Colleen Frazer wrote:
I realize that while I promised myself that I would write in my blog(on my blog?) every day for a year definitely isn’t easy.
Sometimes I have little to nothing to say and other times I run on and on.

I wish I wasn’t so snippy. One thing I noticed is that I have no tolerance for the little things Jim does that annoy me. It sucks because he is one of the most amazing men in the world. He shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!

I am so lucky to have him. He is the one thing that keeps me going everyday. Why am I being such a cranky bitch?

I was fine before I started back in fucking meds I was just sad all the time and honestly maybe that was better!

Hair Done, Anxiety Didn’t Win!

I got my hair done and I love the way it looks this picture doesn’t show just how vibrant the red is sadly, I’ll need to take another outside 

 I’m happy I went through with it. I talked to my therapist which eased some of my stress but my shrink had to cancel due to a family emergency so it will be a week before I can deal with the pills. What’s one more week right. Just gotta keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward. Can’t be negative all the time.

New hairdo, color

I Hate Being Broken

I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.

I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.

I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.

One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.

This feels like prison!

Uneventful and I Like It

Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.

I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

I Am Always Afraid

Tonight we had some horrible weather. Some warnings, some lightning and thunder. Luckily we never had a tornado hit, we even though we are still under a severe thunderstorm weather until 2am, so it not even being 9:30 its gonna be a long ass night.

The anger is still lurking, I’m just deeply unhappy and unsatisfied. I am happy when I am out of the house but then within a couple of hours of being back the darkness starts coming back again.

I got angry tonight at this painting that just hasn’t been going the way I like it. I asked hubby for a steak knife and stabbed the shit out of it. I didn’t feel any real malice but it felt somewhat relieving.

I want to cut my hair short and dye it pink and blue, but hubby wants me to keep it long. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way for him for change it for me. I mean he’s all I got and if he somehow found me less attractive I don’t know what I would do, I mean I’m already fat and old.. maybe I shouldn’t. I’m so torn.

I put one of my pictures up on a site to sell, for some reason I can’t get it to print above picture size but I think that it will be awesome if I can figure it out. I am going to make a print for my MIL because she really liked it. I hope she was being honest and not just kind.

Thursday seems like a long time off and tomorrow family is coming over for the holiday Monday. I must just keep breathing and stay calm..

Breathe, breathe, breathe..

oh and my fucking neck seems to hurt worse now then before I got it cracked. WTF.

I’m Such A Bitch

I am so grumpy. I’ve noticed all I have been doing the last few weeks is bitching about this or bitching about that. I’m surprised my husband can even tolerate me.

I’ve also been painting as you know I’ve finished about four so far and I’m working on three more, maybe more I’m just really enjoying it. I’ll post more pictures soon.
I do have a photo to post tonight that makes me giggle every time I see it as I think it is worded poorly, tell me what you think!
image
I personally don’t want that big of a shot :p

Tonight I was also working on a piece of art which is a mix of two pieces I have done. I rather like how it turned out.
image

Anyhow I’m keeping it short, gonna chill with hubby and try to think positive thoughts. Only 5 more days until therapists. I’d go twice a week if I could!

I’m Sorry, Should I Sell?

image Do you think this art is good enough to sell on Etsy? I have some other pieces done as well and I would love to be able to contribute to the house but I don’t know that anyone would really want to buy my art. Anyhow I welcome any opinions! Be genteel though.

On another note I’ve noticed that I apologize constantly for everything. Icing on my face, I’m sorry. Tripped up the stairs, I’m sorry. I’m hungry, I’m sorry. Having to pass someone excuse, oh I’m sorry. Always saying I’m sorry. I don’t understand it at all.
I’m so all over the place, I am definitely being 100% bipolar! maybe even tri or quadruple.. Ugh..

Nausea, Anxiety and Relief

I went to the chiropractors and 15 mins later I walked out and was feeling some relief. He explained my chest muscles are stronger then my back muscles and it was making my neck and body all off. He cracked the shit out of me. I thought he was gonna spin my neck around as he made it make sounds that I didn’t know it could. He showed me some exercises to work on my back muscles and stretch my chest muscles. I don’t need to go back until I have been doing the exercises for a few weeks!

I went out to breakfast with my mom in law afterwards it was nice and we had a good time conversing and joking with one another. Then we went shopping at Walmart and I bought her these cute solar mushroom shaped lamps for her birthday plus the exercise things I needed. There was no anxiety, it was very relaxed.

When we came home I was more relaxed then I had been in a while and I did some painting then just played around on my iPad chilling, going for a short walk then playing on my iPad some more. We decided the three of us would go to chilis and mom and I drove there to meet hubby and all was still good. We went in, ordered drinks and food and then I started feeling a little nauseated. I am having some drainage and I made the mistake of ordering strawberry lemonade without having any acid reducer. I just stated worrying about throwing up. As a lot of you may know being sick in public is one of the things I am most terrified of.

Needless to say that it started an anxiety spiral and the rest of the meal was ruined for me, I am still feeling kind of gross but hopefully it will calm down. Plus I start my Xanax tonight so that’s about it!