alone

Bored But Happy

Today is the first day that my husband and I have had alone since the last time we went to a hotel. I’m bored but happy. I’m glad to have the house to ourselves and be able to watch whatever I want, yet there really is nothing to do since all our stuff is in storage.

Today hubby said he thought I might have ADHD because I am unable to sit and do anything for more than 10-15 mins at a time. Maybe he is on to something. I’ll talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see her Thursday for a med update. I am sure she is going to find the mood stabilizer to be the more important of things right now anyhow.

I actually am looking forward to going back on a mood stabilizer now that the Latuda seems to be working better. I hope it stays that way. Meds and me have a weird way of interacting.

Anyhow that was my day, not really that much to write about.

More Visits With A Slight Reprieve

So Mom’s husband is gone but now my FIL is here until Friday. So that means out of 11 days hubby and I will have 3 alone.. 3 you say? Yes tomorrow we actually will have some time alone. MIL and FIL are going over to SIL for a visit. The rest of the week will be celebrating SIL’s birthday, New Years Eve and also a lot of football.. ugh

My mood is okay, we got an email from the people building our house that we might hear about closing in a week or two. We basically close 45 days after we hear. So I am hoping it is a week opposed to two. Yet it is wonderful that we are getting closer to getting into our home. We walked through it again today as we showed MIL and FIL how it looks with actual walls and such. It gave me a nice warm feeling.

For some reason when the new year and Christmas are around I get paranoid. I worry that there is going to be some holiday catastrophe. I don’t know why. I just have always been that way. This year things have been a little different. I still have that lingering worry in the back of my head but I’ve also been able to enjoy moments.

My mood today is middle of the road, not bad but not good. I’ve been able to joke and smile though so that is a plus. I’m worried the depression is going to come again. I hope it stays away a little longer than it normally does. After all it always stays around longer than most of my other moods, it only seems fair.

Honestly the only thing I really want it time alone with my husband. That isn’t asking for much. Can’t wait for tomorrow.

When I Am By Myself

When I am by myself I often ponder how I am feeling. I know lonely is something I feel a lot of the time. Though I try to talk to people online during the day to give myself a break from it.
Yet I never truly understand how I am feeling until I interact face to face.

This is the first day I have been alone for a few days and after tomorrow I won’t be alone for 11 days. Hubby will be here, mom’s husband will be here and so will my FIL, so there will be a lot of interaction and I’ll know from the beginning how I will feel. Due to FIL and mom’s hubby I am assuming I am going to be annoyed. They both love to take over the TV and put on nothing but shit. ugh..

I plan on drinking Christmas and New Year’s Eve to help deal with the social annoyance. It’s less painful than trying to bury those feelings for close to two weeks.

Though I am so happy that hubby will be home so long and he will be a good person to measure how I actually feel as opposed to trying to guess and hoping my medication increase is working on the depression. I know if it is then I can start working on trying to find a mood stabilizer to stop the constant mood swings. I’m what you call a rapid cycler which makes me bipolar 1.

Do you know how you are feeling when you are by yourself or do you just go through motions?

Anxiety is Through the Roof

I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.

I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.

I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.

It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.

Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.

Thought About Ending It

Ya that title sounds serious because it is serious. I woke up up so fucking depressed. I thought about several ways to off myself, wondered if I should go to the hospital and then this thought popped into my head. Two days ago you and Jim were making out like teenagers in the model home. You do not want to end this, if not for yourself, think about the man you love.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up I asked Jim to take me for a drive to the art store for some florescent paints and we ended up grabbing some drive through and heading out to the lot and I vented a lot and we saw some beautiful things and some silly things and I came home and cleaned my room and we are going to go out and have a nice little snacky kind of dinner, then I go back on my diet. I failed but it’s okay as long as I don’t give up.

I took some pictures to share with you.

When we got in the care the mileage was right where it is in the picture, we thought it was funny.

Tonight I Hurt

Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.

Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.

I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.

What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?

I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..

Am I a horrible person?

No More ECT

I thought that it was going to be a big miracle thing. All it had accomplished was making me feel like everything is wrong with the world. Nothing feels right. I did not go Monday and I don’t think I will return to it.

I have a hard enough time feeling at peace in the world. I never feel like I belong anywhere and I was finally starting to feel that way before I decided to go and zap my brain. I didn’t nt to return after the first time but I allowed people to make me feel bad about the choice of stopping instead of being true to myself.

I’m ok with this choice. I am going to go see my therapist and shrink on Friday and see what I can do medicinally. I’m open to a lot more things now. I’ve haven’t been doing my blogs like I should and that makes me sad. I don’t want to miss out on my writing or my support. I need that more than anything else.

Always Thinking

I think way to much and my thoughts are always spinning like the tires of a car going 100 miles an hour.

Tonight I got to thinking about the new shrink I see on Tuesday and what they were going to do with me. I’m scared to be honest. They don’t know me from dick. I know what’s wrong with me, in fact I know I haven’t been completely diagnosed as I am 98% sure I also have borderline personality disorder.  I’ll need to start therapy for that, but it will wait until I get home.

I’ve become very self aware in the last 6 months. Understanding the things going on with me. Not just the bipolarity and depression. All the things that are really wrong with the way I think and the way I react. I am seldom positive. I am always filled with worries.

I thought when we found out we were going to back to Omaha I could stop stressing about that. Now we need to know the exact date and need to start getting things organized and until they are, I don’t know that I will feel calm. Even knowing those things I highly doubt will help at all. I’ll start worrying about the drive through the mountains and staying with my mom in law until we get a house.

I don’t know how to stop and enjoy the moment.  I might have an hour or two where my mind is focused on something like a movie and I’m fortunate enough that it draws me in. Other than that it’s always yapping at me about one thing or another.

The paranoia about my husband leaving me still comes frequently even though we have been together 13 years and he still is as affectionate if not more then he’s ever been. He is always looking after me. I don’t deserve him. He deserves so much better. I know if I don’t figure out a way to deal with these insecurities something bad will happen. I always expect that anyhow so I don’t think I would be all that surprised.

My mom said she would still come visit regardless of where I live just not as long. I understand this, but I have bet it won’t even be for a few years. Who wants to be in Omaha but me really?

I know hubby would be happy in California if we did things but I can’t grow here and he is willing to relocate for me.. When is he going to get selfish? Argghh. I hate my brain

I’m So Pissed Off!!!!

Everything is making me so damn angry. I want to punch walls and scream at the top of my lungs. were it permissible for me to do either of those things I think that would feel great. Since I can’t though I am just sitting her letting it build and boil while I think about all the things going on in my life.

My house is a huge fucking mess, it is so overwhelming that I don’t even know where to start. I still at this moment do not know for sure if we are going back to Omaha. I still feel like shit.. I can not find anything to distract me from the anger I am feeling. I hate this, I know I am also feeling very impulsive which is why I have just been sitting in one place not moving.

I feel almost hateful about my life. I want to hiss and spit and kick and punch. I so wish I had one of those punching dummies.  Something I put on the list I suppose. For now I just have to sit here and smolder, trying to think of something positive, all the while also not feeling like I’m inside myself. It scares me when I am like this. I haven’t done anything for a long time while I am like this.

Actually feeling all these things together hasn’t happened in a long time. Tears are starting to form in my eyes and I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop, ever..

I know I’m stressed out about the moving back to Omaha, I am so tired of other people being in charge of my future, I have no control over anything. I can’t even control the way I feel. It is so damn frustrating. I feel bitter bile filled hatred for the company my husband works for. I have only hated people this much one or twice before and that was because they abused me in one way or another.

I just want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hate it. The sunny weather and the allergens all times of the year, the skinny assed snotty people. No yard, no place to garden. No place to go. No sitting in my backyard without being viewed on by 20 other fricken apartments. I hate it.

I just want to be home, it’s bad enough I have to wait to go, I would honestly just leave everything here and not look back if it wasn’t for my husband and dogs. More things holding me back.. Love, always holding me back..

How long until I finally just break? How much can a person take before they go completely off the wall bat shit crazy? Am I already there? I feel destructive..

 

Now I Remember Why I Never Go Back To Canada

Mood: SAD, ANGRY, SAD

I am sitting here after another crying spree because my mother says horrible things. Her and my other sister are on the outs and she expects me to be a middle man. Like I need that kind of stress. Then she says I never do anything for her.. FFS what the hell did I do to deserve that.

Last night I admit I drank a couple of bottles of wine by myself so I could relax, maybe get a little sleep and play Rock Band with my mom and sister. It wqas actually a fun night though I didn’t sleep until almost 10am. 2 hours of sleep though, I’ll take it.

When I got up mom is like you need to vacuum I did everything else.. First off I didn’t ask you to do anything and stop telling me what to do in my own home.. Is what I should have said.  Instead I just quietly vacuumed.

Last night my sister said you can sing, I can’t really but I can play rock band. My mom asked me why I thought I couldn’t sing, right then I wanted to say it was making fun of me mom.. but instead I blamed my dad.. She forgets that she was a different mom when she had her first three kids.

In the last few days I have cried multiple times, this is stressful enough without me being poked at.. Cant wait for my husband to come home. I am really starting to hit a very large pit of hell.. 32 hours to go.. ugh.. that seems like a lifetime..

Maybe I am just better off with no one but my husband in my life. I thought things were going to be so different. I thought we were going to be going out together, etc.. nothing.. just me by myself all fucked up.

Funny how we build things up in our head and they turn out to be the way we thought we misremembered them.