My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…
It’s The Heart
It’s the heart that makes us blunder,
It’s the heart that makes us wonder.
It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,
It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.
It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,
It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.
The heart is in everything we do,
How does your heart control you?
Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh
I’m crabby, I don’t feel like writing. My mom is leaving at 4am and I likely will not see her again if we do end up moving to Omaha, my husband doesn’t think it is true but why would anyone come visit Nebraska? Seriously for the corn?
The only really great thing I can say about it is that the Zoo is marvelous and I look forward to spending many a Sunday there. If we go that is. We both want to though, hubby is talking to his boss about it tomorrow. So we’ll know something then. It seems like it is something everyone else wants as well.
Having to stay with the mom in law for several months would be hard but we would have a good down payment for a house if he doesn’t lose to much of his salary. It will be nice to own a real home with a real yard. As opposed to what we could buy here.
I dunno.. I don’t have anything to say, but I promised myself I would write..
blech
I keep messing my pills up cause my moods to be even more unstable. Mostly I am just sad all the time, but today I almost threw several things in a fit of rage.. Haven’t felt like that in a long time. I had to leave the house and practically speed walk around the block to calm myself down. The withdrawal pain and shakiness is horrible and I have a cold to boot!
I am mostly miserable with a touch of silly. Yep silly, I find some things funny but mostly feel grouchy.
I am not sleeping very well and I feel so out of control. I hate that feeling so much.
More notes on my mom and me. I think there is something wrong with me, I feel the need to give gifts almost for approval and was greatly hurt when I saw that she had given my younger sister the gifts I had given her.
I had a dress that I was saving for when I got to goal weight it was something I really loved. I realized that it would take me years to be able to get into it so last year I gave it to my mom, yesterday my sister was wearing it. I admit she looked lovely in it but I was so hurt. Then when she went out she just left it on the floor. So I did something horrible. I grab it and hid it where I can’t even reached it.
Do I feel bad, sadly no.. I wish I did, but it really hurt me.
I have no idea if I am just so uber sensitive that things mean more than normal. I mean I feel what I feel, I know I feel things way more intensely then a ‘norm’ so it is just frustrating.
I’m gonna go to bed and nurse this cold and wait for Friday to come.. God I want to punch someone in the neck!
Mood: Out of Body? Is that a Mood?
I have been doing so much crying the past week that my stomach is upset constantly. I really thought that I had made a breakthrough. It lasted all of 4 hours before my mom and I were arguing again. She basically told me sometimes I just need to “get over it”.. Seriously woman have you not heard a word I’ve said to you?
My husband absolutely doesn’t want my mom coming for 6 months now, he is worried about my state of mind and his peace of mind. I imagine it is stressful being with 2 women who are constantly fighting over the simplest things.
My mom often calls us girls by each others names, Last night I decided to tease her about it and she blew it all out of proportion. Stopped talking and then pulled the age card. I have to admit I was upset by it, I have seen my mom 3 times in 13 years and I’m the oldest.. Remembering my name would be nice.
Hubby came home and told me that he might be able to make the same money if we moved back to Omaha, which would enable us to get a nice home and be close to his family. There’d be things to celebrate there would also we tornados. There would be Halloween but there would also be snow. I love the weather here but in Omaha I am just another *big girl* and am more comfortable going out and doing things.
I am 100% certain my mom would not come to visit me for 6 months there though, as she is coming here to escape the weather. Which both offends me and might be a little relieving.
My birthday is Monday and as opposed to doing things with my family. I am going to stay home. I don’t really need the stress of trying to keep people busy when it is my day. Hubby and I are going to celebrate after they go home. It gives him time to get some work done and I get a wonderful day alone with my hubby. I did tease him about having to buy me two presents though *heh*
I love my mom, I love to hear her laugh but I wonder if we are too much alike and to different to live together.
Mood: SAD, ANGRY, SAD
I am sitting here after another crying spree because my mother says horrible things. Her and my other sister are on the outs and she expects me to be a middle man. Like I need that kind of stress. Then she says I never do anything for her.. FFS what the hell did I do to deserve that.
Last night I admit I drank a couple of bottles of wine by myself so I could relax, maybe get a little sleep and play Rock Band with my mom and sister. It wqas actually a fun night though I didn’t sleep until almost 10am. 2 hours of sleep though, I’ll take it.
When I got up mom is like you need to vacuum I did everything else.. First off I didn’t ask you to do anything and stop telling me what to do in my own home.. Is what I should have said. Instead I just quietly vacuumed.
Last night my sister said you can sing, I can’t really but I can play rock band. My mom asked me why I thought I couldn’t sing, right then I wanted to say it was making fun of me mom.. but instead I blamed my dad.. She forgets that she was a different mom when she had her first three kids.
In the last few days I have cried multiple times, this is stressful enough without me being poked at.. Cant wait for my husband to come home. I am really starting to hit a very large pit of hell.. 32 hours to go.. ugh.. that seems like a lifetime..
Maybe I am just better off with no one but my husband in my life. I thought things were going to be so different. I thought we were going to be going out together, etc.. nothing.. just me by myself all fucked up.
Funny how we build things up in our head and they turn out to be the way we thought we misremembered them.
I don’t know if it is stress, my depression or just because I feel left out of things.
First off my apartment is super tiny and with 4 adults, 1 little person and 2 dogs it is way to crowded with junk.. My computer room/guest room is so full I can’t even get to my computer so I have to use this lap top which I hate.
My mother bought dollar store food and I am terrified she is going to give me food poisoning..
My sister and mom are having a great time together and I am having a hard time with it. My mom is so reasonable and supportive on the phone but then she says stuff like, just don’t worry.. Well thanks that’s the answer.. You need to take estrogen, you need to take blah blah.. She is driving me crazy..
They went to Venice Beach today and my sister bought things for everyone, not even a postcard for me though. I feel like the owner of a bed and breakfast. It made me cry today when hubby called. I mean cry a lot.. Then of course he made me laugh. It helped to get those things off my chest, it’s not like I can say them to mom..
She is supposed to be living with me 6 months a year, how will this even work.. I dunno.. I just know I am about ready to lock myself in my room until hubby gets home Friday..
Fuck fuck fuck fuck…
Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.
I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.
I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.
One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.
Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..
Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..
I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..
I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..
Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe
Letters…
Mom and my sister are here. I was stressed out but woke up slightly hypo-manic but happy which is a really nice change. It was so wonderful to see my sister whom I haven’t seen in about 13 years. My niece is beautiful and my mom is awesome as always.
Though I really think that my insanity is inherited. Not three hours we are talking about the most ridiculous stuff. I know when I am nervous or stressed I end up talking about things I normally wouldn’t. It seems my family is quite similar. The weird thing about my family is they are like me, no censorship. This can be a good thing or a bad thing.
Tonight it was hilarious though. I swear my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Have you sat there and talked to your family about sex/fetishes? Dated someone that your mom ended up dating later?
Ya this is my life…
I woke up today kind of sad.. dunno why. As the day went on and I had more alcohol I realized that I am not nor ever was my moms favorite.
She treats me great but this morning she went out with my sister for two and a half hours. They have their cute little inside jokes and I kind of feel like an outsider. Looks and giggles. Just made me sad and uncomfortable. I know I have been gone for 13 years but it just seems so weird, I don’t remember ever feeling that comfortable with mom. last two visits she was here we just spent most of the time stoned.
Don’t Judge it helps with the depression.
A little while ago mom was asking where the closest beach was and then said to my sister.. Jo we can walk to the beach tomorrow.. Not ‘we’ but we as in her and Jo. I know I shouldn’t feel sad or jealous. However my mom was more easy going when she had my youngest sisters. They are about 20 years my junior, different dad, etc.
I need to learn to be more patient with my mom. I suppose I could be forthright with her but I don’t think that would go over well..
Blech
Mood – contemplative with a touch of happy.
I was reading some wonderful blogs today about various different things and I noticed one common thread. That when we are down we tend to ignore people. Pulling away into ourselves. I myself am certainly guilty of it. I don’t have any friends IRL at all. I know people from gaming. They treat me wonderfully and I am completely upfront with who I am. I think that it works because it’s online. There is one person I would call my best friend because we have known each other a good 10 years. She is also a bipolar. So when we both disappear for months at a time when we reconnect and talk like we were never gone.
Most of the people in my life are not as understanding. I tried making friends when I was un-medicated and because of my overtly over sexualized behavior it was like they were drawn to me more than wanting me to be a normal friend. Flirty and outgoing I seemed to have the choice of who I would choose to befriend and I always chose poorly. I’m fortunate enough that I got medicated before I ended up doing something stupid and ruining my marriage.
So now I just choose to keep it between my husband and myself. He is a very tolerant man and a homebody so this works for us for the most part. Though I do miss the contact with human beings, I don’t think that I am a very good friend. I’m never un-kind, in fact I am generous to fault, but I have no idea how to act around people. Being outspoken and honest just doesn’t fly in a casual atmosphere and I am horrible at hiding who I really am.
When I work, I work from home at a job that really just makes me hate people in general. So most of the time I don’t work either The most exposure I get to people is at the dog walk or when my mom comes to visit from Canada. She plans on coming down for 6 months out of the year and I’m thrilled. I get so damned lonely. It’s almost painful. I have no idea how to makes friends even if I wanted to anyhow.
Do you think bipolars can have lasting friendships? How long have your friendships lasted?
A Bipolars Reality 