mood

Hubby Home Sick

Today my husband came home early after a day of throwing up at work. Poor baby. It’s impossible for me to care for him since there is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating. I want him to feel better.

My mood is right in the middle. I’m actually not feeling that well myself, I have a feeling the stomach bug is making it’s rounds again. Yay. It’s hard to tell if it is my mood or circumstance. That’s the funny things with moods.

Makes for a not in the mood to do anything even write my blog kind of thing. It’s even more important to write those days I think. This is good reinforced behaviour. I am still thinking about what I am gonna start as a year long habit come nerw years. Like a resolution but something that sticks. haha.

Almost Thanksgiving

Still after 14 years I haven’t gotten used to Thanksgiving being in November, but you Americans like having your Turkey Days super close to each other.

I’m all prepped for tomorrow. 2 Bottles of wine and a supportive spouse!

Tonight my husband and I went through a kind of tour of our house where they pointed out where all the water and electrical things are. Which way doors will swing. The markings on the floor that show with carpet, wood and tile marked. Our new furnace with the humidifier has been installed. It’s making it feel super real.

It was so freezing tonight when we stopped by the grocery store for my wine, the mall area had lit their super large Christmas tree it was really quite lovely. Plus we saw a horse drawn carriage that looked very similar to Cinderella’s. Then a guy in a dog costume waved at me. It’s super weird but made me smile.

It feels like my mood is getting better. I’ll see how it goes tomorrow.

Not Feeling Hate

I guess that is something. I’m kind of in the middle having moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

It’s preferable to the murderous hate I was feeling yesterday.

I am really hoping that things will pick up before Thursday, yet I do have the option of drowning my woes in wine so I don’t let my intense dislike of my sister in law show. It’s gonna have to be one or the other.

Hubby stayed home today and that was nice, he can often make me smile even when depressed, he is kind of like a magical being.  It made the day easier and I did some cleaning so the day was also productive.

I’m not gonna write much since I really just feel kind of blah.

Still Fucking Sad

Honestly this depression is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I woke up feeling so bleak. The sky was grey and blechy when I woke up and I felt the same way.

I thought that it might have just been a morning thing. Yet the longer the day went on the more depressed I felt. I tired listening to music and playing games again but this is such a chemical depression that I am finding a really hard time fighting it.

I did go out to visit the house with hubby today which always makes me feel hopeful but I went shopping with my MIL cash in pocket and bought fuck all. I couldn’t even get up the urge to buy. I mean buying is my thing, it’s almost an addiction for me and I couldn’t spend a dollar.

I am really hoping that I hear from the shrink tomorrow about increasing my Latuda it really seems to be one of the few choices I have in front of me. It does work on some level. Having up days seems to make the depression even worse because it’s like seeing the light for the first time and there being a Solar Eclipse a second later. It’s very tiring. I would like to be able to enjoy the holidays, here’s hoping!

 

So Much, So Little

We went into the house tonight and the entire outer frame was done, you could see where everything is going to go. I took tons of pictures, it’s really exciting seeing how close the house is. I mean it still won’t be ready until February. Actually having the house actually seeing some action makes it more bearable.

Today my cold also felt a little better. I got some napping done. Other than that I got nothing done. I mean there isn’t much for me to do anyhow. Yet doing nothing makes me feel guilty.

I can’t paint in the dining room again until after thanksgiving and probably Christmas. It sucks. Jim says we can set something up in the bedroom for me. I hope so, not being able to paint for 2 months will suck.

Emotionally I’ve been stable. That’s a positive at least!

I Hate Weekdays

When Monday comes around I get lonely, I get sad. This happens almost every week without fail. If hubby is home then it doesn’t. It’s pretty simple.

The fact that it’s been raining since last night doesn’t help. I have yet to buy a UV lamp and there hasn’t really been any sun. Yet I walked outside forgetting that it was a gov’t holiday enjoying the fresh crisp air and smell of decaying vegetation. I found something positive in a negative.

My mother in law didn’t get her loan approval so she wont be moving next door. I have to admit I am pretty sad about it. A legitimate reason to be sad. I can’t think of a way for it to work now. She could sell her house first but then she needs somewhere to live until the new one is built. I can’t take the cats and bird in. She has no where for them to go. Plus another 7 months of not being alone with my husband.

Some things are just not meant to happen I guess.

I’m going to try to not let it get me down. However it is during the week and keeping myself up is already hard.

I must keep my eye on the positives.

The positives are that my house building is moving forward. My marriage is strong and healthy. My mental health is getting better. I am looking toward the future instead of dreading it.

I’m alive, I’m healthy and can healthier. Life is good, even if my moods are the top most, my life can still be good.

Nifty Doodad

Last night hubby snd i got into a fight becausee we were both grumpy sbout not hsving our own. I reminded him thst we just need to keep our eye on the prize.

Now that his bronchitis is better we went out to Gretna for a walk and it made us more relaxed. I really am looking forward to our new home.

I lost my ipad cover and hubby got me a new one that has a keyboard attached which will eventuaslly make blogging easier. Right now I am making a lot of errors as i get used to it. It feel better than actively writing on the ipad though.

image

Neat right?

WE also got costumes for our dogs, Ren will be Wonder Woman and Charlie is Super Girl. They will be adorbs!!

That’s pretty much been my day. We got some time alone which is good. Its been better day thats for sure.

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

I Don’t Feel Like Posting

I hate that I promised myself I would post every day. Most days I want to but today I just don’t feel up to it.

I’m not depressed. I’m not angry. I’m actually ok.

My husband and I went and sat at the beach and watched the waves and talked about our future. It was nice because this is one of those days that I can actually see the future.

Most days I am too wrapped up in some degree of emotional hell that I can’t see anything past the point of just wanting to go to bed a sleep.

Not being medicated is scary. I remember the way I was and I know the possibility of it happening again is high. We leave next Weds and then I have an appt. set up on July first to start working on my mental health. I just need to last that long. I think I can do it.

Course I don’t know if I control my brain or my brain controls me.. We’ll find out.

Packing and Nappin

Today was pretty uneventful. I didn’t go out anywhere and I didn’t have any major mood swings. I spent most of my day packing what we are going to take with us on the road and deciding what we would actually need when we bought a home as opposed to just keeping because we might use it sometime in the future.

I realize as we have almost everything packed, we don’t really own anything, all our boxes fit into our tiny dining room area (if you can call it that). The one thing I own a lot of is clothes and shoes. That took up 4-5 boxes! When we finally buy our home we are going to have space to fill and honestly I am excited about it. Not just the shopping but the making a house a home thing.

I had a short nap it was pretty cool, some vivid dreams. I keep opening doors, I wonder what it means.

I feel weird blogging when I don’t have something to bitch about. No one really reads the good posts and I don’t have much to say to myself either other than atta girl keep going.

So going to keep this short and hope that my days moving forward are all filled with non bitchy posts.  I have a strong suspicion that won’t last with the stress of the move looming over my head.. a little over 9 days, eeeee..  That and eventually the crazy is going to pop her head out, she can’t resist. Am I right?