Month: September 2014

Still So Grumpy

I realize that the moods are going to vary. We are human and I feel that us bipolars are just way more passionate about everything we feel. So much so that we need to be medicated!!!

I was screaming at hubby today as we left to go and try to find a movie to watch. What was I screaming about, I have no damn clue anymore. However a sentence that I said during it caused me to shut up and start bawling. That sentence was …. You know something bad is going to happen right?

A lot of good thing have been happening, I don’t deal well with thing going well and it seems to be causing some mania. As I think about that wonderful high day I had it was definitely was hypo mania. Sure I was happy but I was thrumming with it. It was electric.

I can’t seem to find a level point.

Hubby and I Have decided that I would take on one client for now and see how it goes. I never really thought about it being a trigger for hyper-sexuality, thank you Kitt, that is something I really need to keep an eye on that if I actually get a client.

Thank you to everyone who comments! I’ve mentioned before that I am horrible at responding to comments and then I get to a point where I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I forgot to respond. I try to be sensitive.

However you guys are amazing and supportive and I you touch my heart and give me hope when tiffs ad feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you so much.

I’m Fucking Miserable

Yesterday was filled with flowers and gum drops and everything nice. I thought it would feel that high for at least few more days. Nope!

I woke up sad and grumpy and I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. So I slept a good deal of my day away. My husband was home, I could hung with his sick ass, but no I wanted to sleep.

We went out to the lot and even that couldn’t break my funk. I jut want to sob and eat and eat some more.

I talked Tom hubby about me working at phone sex again so tht I could at least make some money but he is concerned that I would have a sex drive. Currently I rally don’t have all tht much of one. I can see his concern and I also can not promise that it wouldn’t pick up. Being a domina can be very empowering.

Needless to say I need a way to make money and it’s the one thing that I feel tht I am good at. I could work 30 mins a week, making two hundred a month. I hope he’ll rally consider it. I want to be able to help gt us some stuff for the house.

I suppose he will let me know soon enough… Life is hard.

Tra La La

Tonight we met with the builder which was absolutely amazing. We also saw just how big our lot is 320000 square feet. It’s fucking huge, to say the least.

Starting next week they will digging the hole for the foundation and we are so looking forward to going out seeing things moving along. I’ve been high on life all day.

Therapy was also good. I don’t have anything to complain about today. It’s nice to a change.

Positive thinking…. Keeping it going.

Creating and Complaining

I am absolutely cranky every day until I get out of the house. Once out my mood is lifted and I am in a good mood for rest of the day.
We went to Michael’s and I got some pencils and a few mores brushes for creating on my canvas’. I’m excited to start working on them.

My mom in law is thinking of moving out into a home that is the same model as the one that we will live in. It will be interesting to see how we each decorate our homes. We re both very different. She is even considering a lot right next door. You would think that it would bother me but I think it would be kind of cool. Would make holidays a breeze :D.. Ooh we could do an amazing two lawn Halloween decoration.

Tomorrow is therapy, I look forward to it a great deal and even my weekly lunch with my mom in law. Also we meet with the builders for our home, woot. I am so excited.

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t wake up cranky again. However it seems to be the norm. C’est la Vie.

Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

So Many Canvases

Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.

Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.

Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.

It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…

Zoo Stuff

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Tonight I Hurt

Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.

Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.

I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.

What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?

I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..

Am I a horrible person?

Home Coming

Today I went out to the lot no there was this sign imagePretty awesome ya? We are meeting the the builders on Thursday and they are staking the land next week as well. I’m excited!!

Tomorrow we are going out to the lot again me the model so that mom can show it to her husband as she would like to see about getting a similar house in the area.

It’s been a day where I have been out for most of it and I’ve been running up and down stairs and frankly I am exhausted.

Either way it was a mostly good day. The only time I got upset was when hubby said I couldn’t have this adorable hot pink purse and frankly he was right, we need the money for our down payment. It was so cute though

Also I am starting a painting for my sister in law, hope it turns out the way it is in my head.. Anyhow tootles until tomorrow.

Not A Bad Day

Had a pretty good day today. Went to see the therapist and shrink. I got my Latuda increased to 40 mg and then had a really good therapy session. Apparently I had a lot to get off my chest.

I talked about my house, my husband, my MIL, my dad, my daughter, my BFF. A lot of things are causing me stress. I always feel so much better after a session. It’s quite cathartic.

Finding out that my moodiness isn’t just adjusting to the new pills but it being stressed about very real life things. I know that it will be better. Gotta keep my eye on the prize. I can do it.