Bipolar

1 AM But I’m Not Late

I promised myself that I would write my blog everyday, I think the day isn’t really over until you fall asleep.. So I might have almost forgotten. I would have been so pissed at myself if I had of though. This is the longest I have done anything besides being married.

We drove the the Angeles Forest.. Guess what not really much of a forest. Just a lot of totally terrifying roads and drop off. Beautiful mountain views if you can stop white knuckling the door handle long enough to look.

I was kind of pissed though. I wanted to walk amongst the trees. I even wore a hat in case of things falling from the skies.. You know what fell from the sky? Disappointment! Least I got to go on a 3 hour drive to see old burnt up trees!

At least I didn’t stay home all day which is a big improvement right?

So *high five me* woot..

Better Than Yesterday

My mood is better than it was yesterday that is for sure.  I was even socializing in my game, making jokes. Definite improvement.

I have some horrible insomnia again but that’s okay. I sleep so much when I am depressed that I miss out on life and what is going on.

Tonight we had an earthquake in SoCal and it made our apt shake for about 10 mins, it was rather exciting and scary. I had a little bit of a panic attack because of it but didn’t take any meds, just breathed my way though it. I was pretty proud of myself for that. It’s amazing how much I freak out when I don’t have pills, yet some how much calmer I am when I know they are there just in case.

I think if I am up to it I will convince hubby to take me up to the forest. I think the dogs should be fine by themselves for a little while as I want to see a few things before I leave Cali for good. (or until we win the lottery and can afford to live here)

Speaking of which, hubby talked to his boss and apparently we will have the full details on Monday. We’ll see I am not going to hold my breath on this. I mean they need my husband to do his magic so I assume they are going to let us do what we want. We’ll see though. It’s so stressful for me to not be knowing what we are doing. Most would say the worst that could happen is things don’t change. I need a house though. I am so tired of apartment living.  I am sure some of you can relate. I never feel like I am stable or can put down roots, which seems to be so important to our mental health. Stability, yes that would be nice.

Til tomorrow.

 

On The Precipice

I feel like I am standing on a precipice. Just hanging on the edge with a couple of fingers wrapped around the root of happiness trying to hold on for just a few more days or even hours.

I’m right on the edge of being angry, happy and anxiously sad. I hate the way this feels. I had honestly thought the up would last so much longer. It seems like every time I cycle the happy lasts for a shorter and shorter amounts of time.

I was putting the dishes away and I like to wash all my chefs knives in the dishwasher. One of the knives grazed my wrist I was placing the rack and I realized I wouldn’t be incredibly sad if it had sliced me open. I won’t tell my husband that though. He worries enough about me as it is and it wasn’t like I was considering killing myself I just didn’t care if it happened.

sigh

Today I Feel

Today I have feelings, I am not over happy or super depressed. I am however super moody. I laugh, cry or get pissed at the drop of a hat. I hate that, usually because I am so sensitive to things that are going on around me.

I talked to my daughter today on the phone. She is having a really hard time. There was a boy whom she loved very much, he used her and kept her by promising her he just needed time to figure things out. Meanwhile he kept having other relationships and coming to her for booty calls. She’s had a lot of problems, she suffers from depression, (had) given up drugs, lost my grand-daughter. I’m okay with that happening. She got adopted by a great family from what I heard. I never met her face to face but that is probably best for my heart.

I found out today that he is still attempting to ‘get with’ her and that she has started with the drugs again. I also found out that he had laid his hands on her. I have never wished that I some kind of super power to blow his dick right off.. I am so furious. I can’t do anything but be her sounding board and give her advice, but I so wish I was there to support her. She is going to a therapist tomorrow though to see about going into rehab. I know that it is not easy for her to even admit that she makes these mistakes. So I am proud of her. I am sure a lot of people would just think she just needs to get over this guy. I know that it’s not that easy.

On top of that my daughter saw my father this past week. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time and honestly after hearing the things he said to her I am glad. What kind of man talks about his erectile dysfunction to their grandchild? No wonder no one has anything to do with him anymore.

I don’t have a belief system, so if someone who has one could say a prayer for her I would greatly appreciate it. Anything can help at this point really.

Something Wonderful Happened In My Bed!

No it’s not what you think you dirty minded people! LOL

The chemicals in my brain shifted, my world slightly tilted and when I woke up something strange had happened.

I was HAPPY! I know due to my recent almost 2 months of depressions (with slight 1 day breaks) it shocked me. I searched my mind in all the dark corners and came up with nothing to worry about, nothing to stress about. I almost forgot how good happy feels, I mean I always wish for it and romanticize it in my mind but when it finally happens it’s like the clouds open to reveal sunlight. The birds are constantly singing. I feel like a Disney character.

I do have the issue of what normally happens with my happiness. (Let’s be honest it’s hypomania). I even know that it won’t last long but as long as I am feeling it I am going to enjoy it. Now if my brain would just slow down long enough for me to pick something to do that would be amazing. If my mouth could slow down just a little when I talk, that would be awesome. I mean hubby can almost follow me when I am like this, thank goodness!

This is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to do too many things and I don’t really care. It’s the not caring that should worry me but at the moment I again don’t really care.

I’ve been laughing and humming and playing games and cooking and taking care of things. It just feels amazing to feel so damned good. I even like the way I look today, my hair seems perfectly tussled and my clothes looking great.. (This is how I know I am hypomanic) I want to go out in sexy clothes and have people look at me (in a good way).. That won’t happen though, hubby has an issue with my showing off my goods but you know what I am ok with it!

I think I might work on my writing at least while I can, and reading and oh my god I am soo excited.. Crazy excited and I love it!!! Sure makes the last couple of days where I was a complete bitch seem like a year ago.

*twirls with birds landing on my shoulder as I sing and dance about how wonderful things are*

YAY

It’s The Heart

My mood is super bitchy but I need to post so…

It’s The Heart

It’s the heart that makes us blunder,

It’s the heart that makes us wonder.

It’s the heart that makes us put up a fight,

It’s the heart that helps us sleep at night.

It’s the heart that brings us all our fear,

It’s the heart that keeps close what we hold dear.

The heart is in everything we do,

How does your heart control you?

 

Not too bad for a 3 minute poem, meh

 

I Don’t Like Mondays

I thought this very thought today, mid afternoon on a Sunday. Reminded me of the song from the 80’s. The only thing in common though is the hate of Mondays.

I get two full days a week with my husband and then the week starts all over again. Instead of enjoying the rest of our Sunday I started getting bummed out about the fact I would go for a full week sitting alone in the apartment, bored out of my head, likely still feeling crappy.

I tend to always be looking far along the line instead of just enjoying the moment. What a horrible way to spend ones life. I know this but yet I still can’t stop myself from doing it.

I remember when I was un-medicated and could often just go with the flow and be spontaneous. Course this also used to get me in a lot of trouble. I wish there could be an in between that would work for me.

I’ve have already been stressed since Weds. Hubby told me in the morning that the bosses had ok’d the Omaha move and then later when he came home said he had something to tell me he didn’t want me to worry about. The bosses wanted to contact him Monday with the specifics/details. I hate the company he works for and don’t trust them as far as I can spit. So I’ve been worried that they are going to find some way to screw him/thus me around.

I went from being excited to twitchy and tight. I feel like I’ve been working out.

I know that even if we do go back to Omaha I will be worried about something happening to one of us before then. Omaha has been the closest place I ever felt like was a home to me.. I don’t know why. I think it is probably because it’s the longest I stayed in one place. I keep having horrible things popping into my head.. The damn What If’s might literally be the figurative death of me.

So ya that’ll be my Monday, no damned fun.. Hopefully the specifics are good.

I Feel Like An Addict

I finally got my clonazepam and it feels wonderful to not have to worry about not having to worry.. Weird right.  Maybe now I can finally go to the doctor and see what is going on with me since I am pretty sure at this point it is not depression. I have a large swollen area around my spine on my sorta lower back. I am starting to wonder if it might be my kidneys with everything else that is going on.

Hopefully I will be able to start going out again. I was considering not going to the new shrink and staying with this one, even though she makes hubby furious. He thinks that she treats me poorly and doesn’t care about me. I suppose it is true, every time she returned a call she always spoke of money first, then whatever I needed.

I at least don’t have to worry about my clonazepam for a month gives me a few days to sit and think more rationally.  I am torn, stick with what I know and get subpar treatment or move forward and try the new doctors knowing I am leaving in July. Which now hubby tells me is not as positive as I thought it was, he is getting details on Monday.  I actually want to go back so I hope there is no issue. I need to buy a home and settle and be calm.

Staying in this apartment causes me nothing but stress. The constant construction, the inability to just walk out my front or back door into the great outdoors.. I hate it. We can’t afford to buy here unless it is in a bad area, so I wouldn’t want to do those things there anyhow.. Sigh..

Anyhow I’ve bored ya long enough. Though tonight I watched Frozen and if you haven’t seen it, it was absolutely wonderful. Even made me a little teary.. I both love and hate Disney.. Belle she is my girl though. That movie makes me cry each and every time. I even collect Belle things, I have a ceramic table with the rose, I never take it out of the box though because of earthquakes here, pez dispenser, a ring and much more. I feel like a little girl when I find a new Belle thing!

I do ramble as usual

Online Relationships the New Status Quo?

This post has nothing to do with my mood but I am tired of complaining about how shitty I feel. So I thought I would ponder..

I’ve mentioned many times that my husband and I met in an online game, last post even. I know several other couples who met in the very same way and are in healthy loving relationships. My best friend is a person whom I’ve only spoken to online, is also bipolar and we get along fabulously. Do I miss the normality of one on one face time. Yep sure do. I’ll do that again someday but right now I think there are a lot of positives about meeting people online though. Being agoraphobic and suffering social anxiety, this really works well for me.

It seems to be the new dating thing, match.com, e-harmony etc etc..  I think the best part of meeting someone online is that you don’t have to put up a front. Sadly most of these sites convince you to put up a picture to bring in more pokes and prods. I think that is a flaw in itself as we always put our prettiest pictures up. . We aren’t what we are physically. Though a more physical person might be more active, in the grand scheme you will one day grow old with the person you choose for a partner and you are going to be wrinkly and withered (hopefully a really really long time) so that substance of a person should really be something we consider before looks. Pretty doesn’t last forever.

Games (I am sure there are other medias, but my mind is blank) bring people together with a common interest in a very relaxed atmosphere and you get to really talk to people. Yep there are a lot of assholes and some creeps, my stalker introduced me to my husband, LOL. That’s  true for anywhere though, always a mix. I just think it is easier to find your life-mate doing things you love.

Now this might work well in the outside world for many. Not all of us have the luxury though. I think that being online in games, chat-rooms will really give you relationships of substance if you are afraid to step out your door..  *shrug*

World of Warcraft, Can it Help?

My husband and I met through a mmorpg (mass mulitplayer online roleplaying game). We’ve always enjoyed playing them together so much that we played WoW for 7 years before we quit and went to other games. I never really thought I would return as I had burned out on how mean people can be to one another. Plus really you just spent hours trying to accomplish virtual goods.

We started playing again a few days ago and I am trying to enjoy it as a new player. I am trying to cope with my depression and the distraction when hubby is at work is greatly needed.  I just have to much time to think when I am alone. Those of you who have depression of any kind know that sometimes it is just bad to sit and think.

I usually have a very hard time interacting with anything when I am feeling this way. The fact that my ex-shrink keeps lying about filling my clonazepam script is not helping. My anxiety is through the roof in addition to just feel physically horrible.

I’m on the greater side of suckiness right now. I keep waiting for those highs and since taking my meds properly every day I just feel worse. If it weren’t for the side effects of quitting cold turkey I would just give them up. April 6th can’t happen soon enough. However now I am also anxious about it. I had hoped I had gotten past this, apparently not.. sigh.

Still Alive, guess that’s something.