Woke Up Sad.

I hate depression. It makes my body ache, my heart ache and my brain ache. I have absolutely no motivation.

I want an ice cream sandwich and hubby said he would get me one after he made his lunch. He suggested that I get it myself as it might make me feel better about eating it. I just whined that I didn’t want to move like a fricken spoiled child. Yet that is the way I feel.

I don’t want to do anything. Not for myself or anyone else. I just want to sulk on the couch. I guess that is better than going back to bed though. I’ve been fighting that for a few hours as well.

We took our dogs out to the house so they could run around, I felt a little joy at their happiness of being able to run around but it didn’t hold on long enough.

i know I eat my emotions, that’s why I’m fat.. Ah screw it, I’m just gonna try and eat until I feel better. Is this an eating disorder? Over eating?

Depression Day Two

Today we went out to look at the house and because I was depressed it just didn’t make me happy. After the house we went out to lunch and I could barely eat.  I had a bacon burger with bacon baked in and I couldn’t eat it. Food tasted blah.

I’m still not feeling 100%, I am fighting the urge to go to bed. I want to go because I am tired not because I am sad.

I did a painting today though that I rather liked so that is a bright spot in my day.

I feel like I jinxed myself by telling my shrink that I am doing OK. I mean I woke up the next morning sad and depressed.  WTH really? Why can’t it be a nice and happy for longer?  I have no answers…

Fucking Depressed Again

Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.

Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.

later..

New Medicine

Today was ok. I played some diablo and watched some TV. Got no painting done and really didn’t accomplish much. I did go see my shrink today and she gave me a medication that should help me focus more on things. I have a habit/problem of not being able to do anything for more than 5-15 mins. I think I might have ADD, she thinks it might be because of anxiety and the general bipolarity.

So the new medicine is what we are going to try and see if it can help with my general malaise. It’s supposed to make me feel more motivated and less irritable. We shall see. Honestly I am willing to try anything as long as my problems get better.

I trust my shrink. That’s more than I can say for most people.

Today I Hate The Sun

It’s hard to believe that this same sun I was enjoying just the day before yesterday is annoying me so much today. I’m sad, I’m having difficulty focusing and am even having a hard time putting word to blog. I hate the depression, I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a little bit but this morning I woke up slammed by sadness. I just want to curl up in bed an cry. I hurt all over and I am fighting going back to bed.

Why do I have to go from one extreme to the other, the weekend was fucking awesome and today sucks huge hairy balls.. fuck it .. I’m going back to bed.

Painting Again Feels Wonderful

Fe001els really good to be painting again. This is a painting I am working on right now and plan to hang in our guest room.

It feels so good to have paint all over my hands and clothes and be messy. This is my first time trying to paint something that is not weird but I am actually happy about how it turned out.

Today has been pretty good, played some games and painted and killed some time without whining.  It was refreshing to feel like I had something to do with my day.

My mood is still up, not sure how long it will stay here but I will enjoy it while it last instead of asking myself each day when the bad will come. It’s counteractive, it’s basically just wishing the happy away.

I’m going shopping for some paints today and I will paint more tomorrow. I will be happy today and hopefully happy tomorrow.

Zoo, Lunch and Relaxation

Today I went to the zoo and took some pictures and movies. We really have one of the best zoos, actually it was voted best zoo in america so there ya go. I took some little movies of big cats.

it was really stressful because it was so jam packed with people. Honestly a few times I wanted to run for the exit, but I fought past it. The exposure therapy is definitely working. I was terrified to go, I almost chickened out. I find if I push myself to do something I am uncomfortable it doesn’t turn out to be the nightmare I’ve made of it in my head.

I also ended up going to dinner and found a giant hello kitty pez dispenser, it made me so happy. I love hello kitty things. I love pink. I also got a little stuffed turtle cause I love turtles too.

Also I can paint in the dining room again!! Yay that means that I will have some pictures done for the walls when we move into the house and it actually feels like I am going to be able to get through the next 5 weeks and 4 days much easier with a game, painting, ps4. It will make time past so much faster. I’m actually excited about the future,

After freaking out and crying yesterday, I was happy. Today I am happy. I apparently needed to vent and clear my aura.. I feel so much better.

Enjoy the videos!

I Don’t Like Lobster

I’ve been asking hubby to take me to Red Lobster for several weeks now. Even though he doesn’t really like any kind of seafood he finally decided to take me today. I ordered this dish that has everything, shrimp, crab and lobster thinking hell ya this is gonna be awesome. I remembered loving lobster and I normally dig shrimp. However I hated the lobster. I thought it was  fishy and gross. I did love the crap legs though, talk about a lot of fun and damn tasty.

Today started off horribly, I bawled my eyes out for about 20-30 mins and ranted and raved because of how lonely and unhappy I have been during the week when no one is around. I passed blame for my boredom and unhappiness. I yelled and sobbed. I apparently had a lot to get off my chest. It started off as just a bad mood and then hubby poked and prodded until he finally made me break down. I needed to do it. I was holding everything in and just feeling more hate-filled and resentful and it was all towards my MIL.

I love her, but I can’t paint and I am tired of living in her house and feeling like I can’t be me. It just gets to be a bit much. I got a new game tonight though and had some fun finally. Sims 4, living other peoples lives! Hubby is going to talk to her about me being able to paint in the dining room again. Hopefully it will happen cause I really feel the need to create.

Tomorrow I plan on going out and doing some photography. I’m not sure where yet, but I hope to get some lovely pictures. I’ll post anything I really like.

Right now I feel relaxed, that’s the way I am gonna try and stay. We’ll see…

La Dee Da

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is super annoying? I mean I feel ok emotionally but I can’t speak my mind freely and it’s frustrating to not be able to be yourself?

I AM BIPOLAR

I AM BISEXUAL

I HAVE TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AND CHANGED MY MIND

There that is off my chest.

Nuff said.

Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and most are full of shit.

Beautiful Day Today

Today was a beautiful day followed by a gorgeous sunset.

I woke up in a good mood and showered, that’s always a good sign. Later on I took both my dogs for a walk. I didn’t need to wear anything but a sweatshirt. How is that for a winter day in January.

Nothing is typical. The weather is weird, my moods are weird.

They are putting tile flooring in our home. How amazing is that. That’s where we took that picture from.

On a last exciting note I reached 300 followers today. How crazy is that? I appreciate that people like to read what I say. I also appreciate that people take the time to comment. Thank you everyone!