Why I Hate People

I know tht I need to become more social. It would help with my loneliness and maybe I could live a more normal life. I also know that I need to work through the things that make not truth people. I’m gonna lay it all out right now so I can go back and cross things off my list as I go along.

I was beaten daily for many years by several different men.
I have been raped at least 3 times, once by 3 men.
I was molested as a young child and a preteen.
I was bullied and beaten down emotionally and physically almost every day of school.
I was rarely told that I was of any value as a person by the people who were supposed to encourage me and support me.

Needless to say on top of being bipolar 1, with bored eerie personality disorder and anxiety disorde I am a little fucked up.

There’s more, but those are the pretty big ones for now..

I’m lucky that my in laws are good to me. My husband loves me more than I’ve ever even thought was possible and my daughter loves me regardless of the mistakes tht I’ve made. Eventually things will balance out. Moving towards the positive.

So Many Canvases

Michaels is having a sale buy 3 canvases for the price of 1. I love it. I love knowing that I can explore my mind on canvas.

Lately I have wanted to paint more than I have wanted to write and I’ve wanted to paint something pretty instead of creepy or weird. I don’t know what is going on with my mind.

Lately I have really wanted to smoke some pot and just chill but no one shares anymore. Being practically a shut in doesn’t give you much chance to meet other smokers either.

It would make a lot of things Bette that is for sure…

Zoo Stuff

Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.

Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.

I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….

Tonight I Hurt

Today was a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time with my husband ad we had fun. I ate at new places, saw some new things. It was a semi-adventure. Tomorrow we plan to go to the Omaha Zoo. If all goes well.

Tonight I think I made a mistake. I contacted my dad by text. I’ve been feeling really guilty not talking to him, its been a couple of years and even though he was not a great father I still miss him from time to time. I haven’t seen him in 13+ years. Most of his text back to me were quick and abrupt. Once he realized it was me he got a little friendlier. Still it was lacking, he told me that he has been spending time with his GF while she has chemo and radiation. It made me feel bad that I didn’t know but no one knows she is keeping it as a secret.

I feel bad, first that I didn’t know. Second because I have never spoken particularly highly of her, I mean I don’t think much of her now. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her but this doesn’t change the way I feel.

What do I mostly feel bad about is that my dad really didn’t seem to show any interest in me and when I told him I loved him, he said me too. Me too? Really? WE havent talked in 2 years and all I got was a me too. I’m hurt. Really hurt. Why the fuck do I even care?

I just wish I could be curled up in bed watching Nana or Ouran Highschool and getting lost reading the subtitles and enjoying the characters.. Instead I have been painting and I’m not happy with how it is going..

Am I a horrible person?

Home Coming

Today I went out to the lot no there was this sign imagePretty awesome ya? We are meeting the the builders on Thursday and they are staking the land next week as well. I’m excited!!

Tomorrow we are going out to the lot again me the model so that mom can show it to her husband as she would like to see about getting a similar house in the area.

It’s been a day where I have been out for most of it and I’ve been running up and down stairs and frankly I am exhausted.

Either way it was a mostly good day. The only time I got upset was when hubby said I couldn’t have this adorable hot pink purse and frankly he was right, we need the money for our down payment. It was so cute though

Also I am starting a painting for my sister in law, hope it turns out the way it is in my head.. Anyhow tootles until tomorrow.

Not A Bad Day

Had a pretty good day today. Went to see the therapist and shrink. I got my Latuda increased to 40 mg and then had a really good therapy session. Apparently I had a lot to get off my chest.

I talked about my house, my husband, my MIL, my dad, my daughter, my BFF. A lot of things are causing me stress. I always feel so much better after a session. It’s quite cathartic.

Finding out that my moodiness isn’t just adjusting to the new pills but it being stressed about very real life things. I know that it will be better. Gotta keep my eye on the prize. I can do it.

Blog Splog

I don’t feel like writing, finding out my best friends cancer isn’t improving by reading her blog has put me in a foul mood and I can’t think of anything to say. My bipolarity and mood swings seem to be kind of trivial at the moment.

I see my shrink and therapist tomorrow, I’ll let ya know how it goes ……

Rain, Rain Go Away

It’s been storming here all day. Some places are getting up to 5 inches of rain. There are severe storm warnings, flood warnings and just a general sense of unease amongst the animals and myself.

I find it very difficult to sleep during a thunderstorm at night since I became aware that tornados can happen in the dark. For some reason I never thought they could. Yet they do, joy!

I do love the sound of rain though. It is relaxing and makes me think of romance. I’m not sure why. Though living with your MIL is not romantic at all.

I have been craving some romance, I wish that I knew how to teach hubby how to be romantic.

Falling rains, some wine, a fire with soft conversation. Just something simple..

Anyhow rain you can stay but don’t be brewing up any scary ass wstorms.

More Whatifs

I’m seriously getting tired of my mood being all over the place. I’m not ready to give up on the Latuda yet but I’m not feeling hopeful. I am questioning everything.

My husbands and my engagement was unromantic and I basically feel like he was pushed into asking me to marry him. Why do I feel that way? Basically I said you ask me to marry you or I’m asking you. He chose to ask me. We were butt ass naked in bed and well I was probably manic and it’s the only thing I regret about our marriage.

I asked him today if he thought he would still have asked me at some point if I hadn’t of brought it up. He said he would have but I honestly think he might have gotten the fuck out after a couple of years of my crazy. I guess I’ll never really know.

I’m forever grateful for him though and I’m so glad that we are so happily married. Now I wish that he didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. I wish I didn’t have to put up with me being so fucking crazy. Life with would be just fucking grand without it.

I just found out my cousin killed himself. My whole family is a mess…. Sigh

Sad, Mad, Glad

Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?

I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.

I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉

Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.

Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!