I got nothing to write, I am sad. I can’t think of anything but the infinite span of sadness that envelops our world. I’ll do better tomorrow, until then here is a picture of me. At least it turned out nice.
depressed
Tears For Fears
This morning at 7:30 I woke up and couldn’t stop crying. I ask Jim if he was going to leave me. I feel unsafe and insecure.
I went back to sleep and woke up somewhat energized yet still sad. I cleaned the room we are staying in nod no started the laundry and got myself a shake for breakfast. Then I really did nothing else today until it was time to go to the dentist and get the doohickey that makes it look like I have a tooth.
It looks okay I suppose it is not the mot uncomfortable thing and it makes me sound like a drunk but at least I don’t look like wet trash. In four months I will get a new tooth which in the end will cost me about 3500 dollars. Things sure aren’t cheap in Nebraska.
OJ well what are you going to do right? Day after tomorrow I go and see my shrink and therapist, hopefully I can get my shit going cause last night I was thinking a trip to the hospital might be a good idea. We’ll see though.
I’m Fine On The Outside
Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.
I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.
Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.
I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.
Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.
I’m Not Ok
I want to cry, I want to break down, I want to remove this fucking mask that I am wearing.
I’m tired of putting on a happy face so that people don’t realize that I am bat shit fucking crazy.
I thought about throwing myself down the stairs today, that would have been painful. Yet is seemed like a good idea. Obviously not good enough to go through with.
Tomorrow Jim will be at work and I’m afraid.
I’m afraid a lot these days. I drank three days in a row. I am not drinking today which is something. Each day, right?
4 days until therapy and likely a new round of pills, fingers crossed.
Friendly Fire
I am very happy that hubby is home. On his way back from the airport I asked if he would pick us up some donuts. I am giving up junk after we leave LA so I thought it would be a nice treat. He walks in the door with 4.5 dozen donuts. I mean holy shit. I don’t even know what to do with them.
I’m also pissed at him apparently. I don’t know why I figure that it is likely because he left for 3 days. I basically shut myself down about him for those days so it is showing it’s pretty little head. Seemed like a good plan at the time. I didn’t have too much anxiety unless he called me and was able to get through the time alright. Now I am questioning my entire life, which is me being dramatic, which means I am pissed at least on the inside.
I did not want to spend 3 days being stress about him not being here, about what he was doing or not doing was just easier.
To top it off there was a fricken 8 car accident out front of our building and it prevented my dinner from being delivered. I hope everyone is alright though. Stupid LA drivers though, seriously think of someone but yourself!! This is why I don’t drive. I need to though so I can have some independence..
Anyhow.. ya .. I have a good post for tomorrow but for now.. ya bitchy..
I’m Too Old For Romance
So shut up and fuck me. This is the woman I have turned into.
As my husband lovingly strokes my arm I’m just not into it and say this is about orgasms not romance.
I love being touched don’t get me wrong. I could sit and snuggle for hours but I just don’t have the patience in the boudoir that I used to have.
Heck I am usually not in the mood for sex at all. Though in the past seven days I’d had it twice. Why? Purely selfish reasons. My own pleasure.
My husband will go weeks and weeks without anything then all of a sudden I say come here let’s do it. Am I ruining the experience for him and just breaking it down to the way a man wants it?
I so used to be into the romance and the tenderness but I just have no patience for it anymore. I don’t understand why. I honestly feel like a kid with ADD when it comes to sex.
I’m frustrated with myself because I want to want the romance. Not that hubby has ever been that great a romantic. He at least tried from time to time.
On an unrelated note yesterday I was in that super bitchy mood and still went out and took my pictures and something interesting happened. My bad mood went from almost getting out of the car to punch a selfish chick in the face, to being able to watch girls do what I call whore yoga in a park with amusement.
What is whore yoga you ask? It’s when young women dress in skimpy bikinis and the do head stands and other things that pretty much put themselves out for the world to see. Trust me girls that is not the way to get a husband.
Anyhow mood has been better since then. Not sure how it is going to turn out today but I’m curious to find out.
I’m Sad, Has the Woes
And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.
I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing. Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself. I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.
I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day. No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.
The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …
Sleeping Ugly
Last night I didn’t have any sleep paralysis but I definitely struggled with my sleep. I thought I will wait until that moment of feeling sleepy instead of letting it pass. I put on Frozen to listen to, this has sort of become a habit. Listening to Let it Go usually brings a certain calm to me and allows a release before sleeping now this may happen several times a night as I usually play the movie over and over dozing here and there.
Last night though it made me bawl. I was all snotty and watery and trying not to hiccup to hard as to wake hubby. This song that I had thought of completely differently made me think of it as a bipolar. Realizing that even though some people see my crazy I am not ready to let anything go. I’m trying but it sure isn’t easy. Oh yes, I was talking about sleep. After I shut the movie off I tried to sleep.
Anxiety attack. Doze, Anxiety attack. Doze. This went on for a few hours. I picked up my ipad and decided to read. I am absorbed in the book enough that I have forgotten my anxiety and get calm and sleepy. That really nice sleepy where you pull the comforters up around your shoulder and everything feels warm and comforting.
I shut off my Ipad and tried to crawl into the comfort dozing off bit by bit until you guessed it. Anxiety attack. These are happing during my REM, they are bringing me back out of my dreams to experience them. Nasty little buggers. Once I am awake that warmth and comfort is gone and it’s just a cold room where the dogs and my husband are on the other side of a king size bed that feels like miles and I’m achy and feel like shit. Eventually I got so tired I passed out with the help of some Benadryl. It’s 1 in the afternoon and I don’t feel rested at all.
I know part of it is the withdrawal. Right now my focus is so boxed in that I could be on a TV trying to look out at the real world. I feel unreal. I know it’s the depersonalization. I wish the doctors would be helpful with this. I hate it. I find it hard not to do stupid things just to prove I am here.
WTH Is Wrong With Me?
We are going to Vegas in April and I need some outfits because most of my stuff is honestly house casual. I am as I have said before a larger lady and I am very self conscious. I either buy really slutty tops or stuff that is so baggy it completely covers me. I have a four hundred dollar gift card and have even been given the go-ahead to shop from the bank and I still don’t want to shop 😦
I love shopping, I even went to Amazon and filled my cart then I for some reason completely emptied it. Did I mention I love shopping? Ya so no idea what is going on. I am depressed but usually shopping cheers me up.
I have been stuck in a downward slump for quite some time with maybe 1-3 hypomanic days. My mom being here made the depression worse though now that she is gone I am sad. I guess I am a sucker for punishment. I think one of the reasons it makes me so sad, is that I am so sure if we go back to Omaha she won’t come visit me again.
I just keep walking around the house feeling so blah about everything. Hubby should find out something today about moving back which will hopefully be good news and pick me up a little. Who knew moving back to the Midwest would be a positive for me. Anything to get away from these skinny vapid Californians. Though honestly I would move to Alaska if I could just leave here. I hate it, I feel so ugly and fat and gross..
Did I mention I absolutely hate myself? Oh ya I despise myself. I know I am a kind and funny person but I hate everything else about myself. I can’t find one thing.. I constantly am changing the color of my hair, right now it is red and black.. I’m a natural blonde I should just go with it, but I don’t like it. God I can’t wait to see the new shrink. I want to feel better..
I have a cold at present which isn’t helping either but as soon as it is done I am going to start doing my Shaun T’s Rockin Body again.. Maybe once I start that I will post it on my blog to help me stay on track. Meh who knows.
Colleen is a sad kitty..
I Can’t Control Anything
Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.
I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.
I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.
One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.
Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..
Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..
I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..
I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..
Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe
Letters…
A Bipolars Reality 