life

So Wiggly

I havent been able to sit still for two days. Today I was fortunate enough to get out of the house, hit some stores and visit the house. Yesterday I kept trying to find things around the house to do and was going fucking bonkers unable to find one thing to really do. I mean there was a lot to do, but nothing I could really sit down and do, I was way to antsy.

I hate when I am like this, it is the best time for me to create but as I said I am unable to paint anymore and my photoshop is on my computer in storage. I simply can’t yet get access to these things. I have all sorts of things packed. Jewellery making stuff, arts and crafts, computer stuff and more. All of which I have no access to. *sigh*

MIL is giving me even more of our stuff to put in out tiny little bedroom and it’s angering me. I feel so shoved off into the corner with no room to breathe.

Being able to breathe is important. Being able to live even more so. It doesn’t feel like I am doing either very well at the moment.

I want to find one of those spinning things that are in childrens parks and lay on my back and spin until I throw up, cause maybe then my brain will shut up and stop spinning on it’s own.

So Fucking Moody

As you know last night was a really hard one. Today has been a lot better though. I’ve been neutral.

I had a lot of nightmares last night. So I was surprised to wake up feeling non-depressed. I swear I woke up every 30 mins from one terror or another. I haven’t had that happen in a long time. Have you ever had a scary dream that made it so you didn’t want to step off the bed because something might grab you from under it or your afraid to go into the hall cause there might be someone there. That was my night.

Today I’ve accomplished nothing but not being really depressed. I guess that is something though. I’ve just spent my day watching Korean drama’s. At least it is Wednesday and I only have two more days until the weekend when I am lucky enough to have hubby all to myself. I’m basically waiting for the weekend each week. I think once we get into house it is going to be a lot easier as I’ll have access to a lot more things to do. Still a couple months til that happens though. Always counting down to something.

Thanks for the comments, it really helped me feel less depressed!

I Want Beef

it’s crazy, I’m constantly starving and all I want is beef. I am not sure what is up with it. I don’t want steaks or stew meat just ground meat, burgers.. I dunno whats going on, I usually get cravings like this for sugary stuff or even carbs not meat though.

Gonna just go with the flow though.

I got to talk with my BFF tonight and it felt good. I’ve missed just chatting with her. It hurts that I can’t help with her pain but I’m so glad she is in my life. I can’t believe I acted like such a shit out of fear. I love her.

My mood has been mostly bored and hungry today, so I’m gonna go cook up some meat and see if it takes care of the craving, I’ll keep trying til it stops.

Looking After Myself

so this week I got my hair cut me today I went and saw the eye doctor and got some new glasses ordered. It’s time I started taking care of myself. You know how it can be, you get in such a funk that you just stop caring. You stop washing, you stop eating right. No more of that.

i will start taking care of myself. I’m even gonna get a manicure.. Go me!

Moody Yet Again

I woke up in a good mood, still feeling happy about my hair cut.

I played on the computer for a few hours and had some fun. It seemed like a really good kind of day.

Then I got a message from my BFF saying she was upset with me. Rightly so. I haven’t been there for her like I should mostly because I’m afraid. Ever since I found out her cancer came back, I’ve been terrified. I’m afraid of losing the only other person that I love unconditionally besides my husband. I admit it makes me a coward for turtling myself into a shell and hiding.

I hope she forgives me for being so stupid. It hurts me to think that I might have hurt her in any fashion. She is going through more than enough, she doesn’t need my bullshit on top of it.

In a perfect world I would spend every day with her and we would be happy and healthy.

 

Video Blog, Enjoy!

My Brain Is Confused

I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.

My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!

 

A Little Reprieve

Today has been better mood wise. The anxiety was also a little lower.

I’d like to thank sudafed for making my cold more managable.

I spent all day watching survivor from the beginning, up to episode 8. Not a great way to spend the day but at least I wasn’t moping, right?

I am doing well losing weight and have lost 17 pounds so far. It feels a little weird and I’m afraid to eat now. Yet I am craving junk food really badly. I am wonderfuil at self sabatoge. I know this yet I feel like this is a losing battle with christmas and all the sweets and carbs that come with it.

There I said some positive stuff today.. nuff said.

Anxiety is Through the Roof

I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.

I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.

I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.

It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.

Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.

Hope Is Possible

In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.

I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.

Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.

Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.

So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.