moods

Last Night

It didn’t go like planned last night. We ordered two pizza’s and mom in law came for dinner but sis in law could only stop in a few minutes because she had a date. Got to meet him, he seemed nice.

I did at least get to finally get my stone back on. I’m a happier camper. Though honestly my mood has been improving with each day. Also my emotions are all showing, it’s interesting, I didn’t realize just how numb I really was until I cried at a sad video and got angry at a slight done to me. Plus they weren’t over the top and the anger didn’t last long after I got to my punching bag. Best thing hubby ever bought for us. You scream and kick the hell out of it. Very relaxing. Hmm that sounds weird but that is the way it makes me feel.

Today I haven’t done really much at all. I did eat some banana bread without thinking food is yucky, so that’s good. Mostly I’ve just been ‘chillin’ and listening to some tunes. Which is also very relaxing. Feels like a Sunday but it’s only Thursday. I love it when hubby takes the week off work to spend time with me and his computer. *wink*

Blahbity Blah

Today I have been in an ok mood. Not super happy, but definitely not depressed.

I’m still feeling very unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything but get high and listen to music.

I think that’s what I’ll do with my evening.

 

Feelings

Today I have been having feelings, like a range of them. I wouldn’t think much about it except that I have been only really feeling two the last several months. Sad mostly, with a touch of happy here or there. I guess three if you count terror as an emotion.

None of these feelings were out of place. I was hurt because of something someone did. I cried because of a sad story that I read. I got angry because I felt betrayed a little. I also got happy because I listened to some music. It is all rather nice.  It’s better than I’ve felt in a while. I’ll take it one day at a time.

I decided not to go to my doctors. I’m going to see if my shrinks advice, meds and help work to fix my issues first. I promised hubby if things didn’t improve in a month I would go to the doctors though. I’m hoping I don’t have to.

I think I am going to try and get back to my happy place and put on some music and play some World of Warcraft.

My Grief Hit Me Hard

I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.

Some things have been going good. I am spending a  lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.

I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.

I Hate Being Sick :(

I’ve had some kind of stomach virus for close to a week and it feels horrible. I’m sore and achey and really just want to go back to the day where I felt ok. Just ok would be amazing.

It helps with my weight loss though.  I think I can find better ways to deal with that honestly. Like eating good food. All I’ve had over the past week is crackers and ginger ale.

I’m on my second day without smoking anything. It helps a lot with the nausea but you know if you can’t eat when high that you are really and truly sick.

My mood is what I like to call sucky. You know where you just want to crawl into the lap of someone who loves you and be held? Ya that.

I’m working on writing more. Every other day so far. I hope to get back to posting every day again. It helps with well everything to be able to vent and know you have support.

Meds Working Too Good?

I am wondering if my medications need to be adjusted down. I can’t seem to feel things as fully as I should.

I have lost my creativity. I have lost my emotions. I don’t like how this feels.

I am unable to grieve. I can’t cry. I got teary eyed the first few days but I haven’t actually been able to let go and just sob. I really need to. I can feel that at least.

I want to feel an interest in something. I want to feel joy at something. I want to feel grief. I want to feel.

I now understand why so many bipolars go off their meds. Lucky(?) for me the past depression has etched a scar that keeps me from doing that.

I wish Dani was here to talk to.

Folic Acid

I thought folic acid was something that just pregnant women needed. However when my shrink did the saliva test it turned out I was low. Apparently the over the counter stuff isn’t what I need either so when I tried to get my script filled they wanted to charge me a whopping 165 dollars. I said nu-uh and waited until I saw my shrink this week. She gave me a month worth of samples to see if it actually helps. We’ll go from there in a month.

My mood has been pretty good. Like I said before I am feeling pretty normal. Which is kind of a bummer but good at the same time. My shrink is happy with my improvement.

I miss my hypomania so much though. What’s the saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone? Yep ain’t that the truth. I knew it was wonderful but didn’t know how much I would miss it. Needless to say it is taking a lot of adjusting.

The depression has been good. Only lasted a couple of days this month and it wasn’t as bad as it has been in the past. I guess that is something to put in the good column.

Man I Feel Old Today

I’m only 46 but today is my daughter’s 30th birthday and it’s making me feel so much older.

My mood has been pretty steady. I had a couple of days of depression but I accidently missed a dose of my pills so I think that is to blame.

I am still spending a great deal of time cooking, cleaning and hanging out on the computer. I am also trying to get in at least a mile a day, the exercise seems to also be helping with the mood. I don’t know if it’s chemicals or because I am accomplishing something.

I’m down 28 pounds now! I am only creating goals of 5 pounds at a time so that I don’t get overwhelmed, at least the scale is finally going in the correct direction.

I am thinking of applying for a work from home job. I think it would be good for me to do something with my time and bring in a little money as well.

Time for me to make more positive changes.

Last Week Was Hard

As you know I had my father in law in town. He stayed with us for nine damn days! My husband had to work so I was stuck with him for each and every one of them, except weekends. It was difficult because it made my home feel weird. Plus hubby and me got little to no time alone.

This past weekend we had even more family time with a nephews birthday and Easter. It was all so over stimulating, I just want to curl up in bed today. I haven’t though, I still got up and did some housework and ate.

My mood managed to stay ok during it all, but today it is gloomy both outside and inside. I’m feeling kind of depressed and I wonder if my good cycle is coming to an end. Which would be super unfair to have it only last while I couldn’t be alone with hubby.

Fucking bipolar..

Still Raging On

My FIL is still here and I’ve decided that I actually like to be alone during the day. It may get lonely sometimes but I can dress how I like, do what I like and not feel like I am constantly under someone’s gaze.

Last night the top of my back was out and hubby cracked it for me. Sadly it threw my lower back out and I couldn’t move for a good 20 mins at all. It didn’t hurt so much as it was locked. Today it is tender but definitely feeling better.

My mood has been surprisingly good despite everything. I’ve found something I thought I lost which is enjoyment. Hubby and I have been playing on the computers when we can and are having a good time doing it.

I’m still cooking every day and walking at least a mile. The diet is going fairly well despite the fact that someone has entered my lair.

Only 3 more days to go….