moods

A Relaxing Sunday on a Saturday

Today has felt so much like Sunday. Long afternoon nap, watching the series Grimm with hubby and just basically relaxing.

There hasn’t been to much tension today and my tummy is feeling slightly better. I still have heartburn from hell but it will pass, it always does.

Even went out to the house and just sort of hanged around a bit. It makes the time pass a little faster. Also makes daydreaming about what it will look like when it is done.

Also drove around looking at Christmas decorations. They are always so beautiful. Maybe I won’t get sad this Christmas. I got hubby some cool gifts and making him happy makes me happy.

I think I am finally getting over my depression.. fingers crossed.

Not Feeling Hate

I guess that is something. I’m kind of in the middle having moments of happiness and moments of sadness.

It’s preferable to the murderous hate I was feeling yesterday.

I am really hoping that things will pick up before Thursday, yet I do have the option of drowning my woes in wine so I don’t let my intense dislike of my sister in law show. It’s gonna have to be one or the other.

Hubby stayed home today and that was nice, he can often make me smile even when depressed, he is kind of like a magical being.  It made the day easier and I did some cleaning so the day was also productive.

I’m not gonna write much since I really just feel kind of blah.

Music Really

It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.

Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.

I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.

I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.

Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.

Tears Fall Down

I’m incredibly emotional today. I am crying at the drop of the hat.

It’s not like it is even for a reason. I started crying watching anime. I started crying cause my husband gave me a compliment. I started crying because I wanted something sweet.

I realize I am a rapid cycler. I realize that I am obviously not at the perfect dose of medication and may even need a combination of medications to make things more balanced.

I am also bitchy, but the teary seems to be the stronger of emotions.

I hate days like this. I am really looking forward to my therapy and shrink session this week.

Oh! I imagine the mole thing is also bugging me in the back of my mind. Nothing like having an epiphany while writing your blog.

Sorry for the short blog but honestly I am not feeling motivated today. I just know that I must post.

Going to lay back and listen to the rain and try to relax.

Depressed and Insecure

I have no motivation, yet I want to do a million things at once. Once I accomplish something I feel like it is shit.

For example my very first try at a manga drawing wasn’t horrible. I just think it was a big piece of shit.

I havent showered in a week. Tonight was my first one and it is only because tomorrow I am going to the doctor to get a mole checked on my back instead of going to therapy.

I wish I hadn’t of cancelled my appt with the therapist but I’ve already had precancerous moles removed and hubby does a mole check every month. He found a couple new one and is concerned about one. I trust him. It may be nothing but if it is I’d rather another giant scar on my back then death.

I’m stressed out which honestly with everything going on is not surprising. Adding one more thing to the mix just makes things interesting in my head. It’s batshit crazy in there right now.

I’m trying to find the positive, but it is lower on the horizon then it has been the past few days. I feel like I am sinking.

Nifty Doodad

Last night hubby snd i got into a fight becausee we were both grumpy sbout not hsving our own. I reminded him thst we just need to keep our eye on the prize.

Now that his bronchitis is better we went out to Gretna for a walk and it made us more relaxed. I really am looking forward to our new home.

I lost my ipad cover and hubby got me a new one that has a keyboard attached which will eventuaslly make blogging easier. Right now I am making a lot of errors as i get used to it. It feel better than actively writing on the ipad though.

image

Neat right?

WE also got costumes for our dogs, Ren will be Wonder Woman and Charlie is Super Girl. They will be adorbs!!

That’s pretty much been my day. We got some time alone which is good. Its been better day thats for sure.

Introversion Begins

It’s that time when my moods make me start withdrawing. I am moving away from the things that I enjoy.

I don’t want to draw or paint. I don’t want to write all that much. I am cooking but that is out of concern for saving money more then any joy.

I must keep my promise to write my blog.

I am gonna try and be positive, even though I feel like curling up and hiding. I hate the mood swings. Up and down. I would like to be happy longer… Just a little maybe a full month.

Man I don’t even want to shop.. Bah

Right On The Edge

I’m on the edge of a mood. It’s been an up and down day. My prick of an ex-brother-in-law is trying to make everyone’s life a living hell. Mostly my mom in law cause he is so fucking selfish. If I had my way he’d never get a job again and would have to live on the streets.

He and my sister in law expect my MIL to watch my nephews and niece for like 12 fucking hours a day. She in her mid 60’s and should be allowed to relax but she is too good of a woman to tell them to go fuck themselves. It’s making me seethe. At least I have a reason to be pissed for a change.

On the good news front we now have a gigantic basement sized hole on. On our lot. I’ll post pictures tomorrow. For now I’m done before I curse anymore. I’m a regular patty mcpottymouth.

Still So Grumpy

I realize that the moods are going to vary. We are human and I feel that us bipolars are just way more passionate about everything we feel. So much so that we need to be medicated!!!

I was screaming at hubby today as we left to go and try to find a movie to watch. What was I screaming about, I have no damn clue anymore. However a sentence that I said during it caused me to shut up and start bawling. That sentence was …. You know something bad is going to happen right?

A lot of good thing have been happening, I don’t deal well with thing going well and it seems to be causing some mania. As I think about that wonderful high day I had it was definitely was hypo mania. Sure I was happy but I was thrumming with it. It was electric.

I can’t seem to find a level point.

Hubby and I Have decided that I would take on one client for now and see how it goes. I never really thought about it being a trigger for hyper-sexuality, thank you Kitt, that is something I really need to keep an eye on that if I actually get a client.

Thank you to everyone who comments! I’ve mentioned before that I am horrible at responding to comments and then I get to a point where I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I forgot to respond. I try to be sensitive.

However you guys are amazing and supportive and I you touch my heart and give me hope when tiffs ad feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you so much.